One Last Christmas...

Set Fire To The Rain

The Girl With Golden Eyes,

...

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” -Catherine Ponder

Sheldon Cooper,

I Love You.

"She calls me moon-pie because I'm nummy-nummy and she could eat me up!"

take a stand

We all have a certain person or certain people that bring out our weakest attributes. Those are not the people we should be surrounding ourselves with.

He is not worth your time anymore.

She is not worth your care any longer.

Whoever it is, if they were worth anything at all, they would bring out your best attributes.

Take a stand,

for yourself.

Wintertime

the cold

the snow

the lack of sunshine

the bitterness

it all kills me

more and more

little by little

every passing day

and no amount of
The Big Bang Theory

helps.

today,

While coming back from work I saw an adorable doggy almost get hit, and my mind flashed back to Chance.

Chance is a dog we rescued and adopted after seeing him get hit by a vehicle. Hence, his name, Chance, our second chance baby. :)

So I immediately tell my mother to pull over to the side of the road, and she does without argument, I then go into "track team" mode. I ran after the doggy as if my life depended on it. And while running to him he almost got hit by 3, yes THREE, more drivers. He finally made it to me. We finally made it back to my car.

And long story, shorter, without the help of the shelter we found his owners and name.

His name is Bentley.

And he shall be our baby until his owners come to get him tomorrow night. Sadly, we could not find his current owner, and so he is being taken in by the family that put him up for adoption as a puppy. I'm sad, because he brings back a lot of memories of my old baby Sadie Blue. I would keep Bentley in a heartbeat.

Tomorrow, I will definitely be crying.

Tonight, I could be crying to.

For you see, I just found out a certain ex is back to shooting up heroin. It crushed me to find out. This boy just can't grow up. He had so much potential and he lost it. I am stuck between a sick feeling, anger, and extreme sadness. They are crushing down on me.

So for anyone who is reading this:

There is a 20% chance of recovery from Opiate addiction. Just don't start. :(

Day Old Hate.

Thank You Dear Kind Sir.

Tumblr, a beautiful place, full of beautiful people.

well... some beautiful people.

A place where I was told the following: "You resemble Elizabeth Anne Caplan."

which lead me to google the shit out of the name.

Me: "OMG! The actress from Mean Girls?!"

I am quite pleased with this. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

healed.

Besides some needed touch-ups my tattoo is fully finished and healed.

It is inspiration for the mental and emotional parts of myself.

today,

I have chosen to emotionally eat again.

when life hands you lemons, eat the lemons.

:.vous renouveler.:

Renewing ourselves isn't always the easiest thing. I am a person who is always on the journey of renewal.

Without focusing on just physical aspects of a renewal, here are some ideas that I have found help me feel better.

-find alone time occasionally

-read a book

-go on a walk

-write

-meditate

-watch a movie that makes you cry

-watch a movie that makes you laugh

-compliment yourself (this can be really hard for some people; moi included)

Remember, if you can't love yourself how can you expect to find someone else who truly loves you?

Fools Like Me.

125

I want those thighs back right this second.

Realization,

I've spent a lot of time lately feeling bad for myself, it seems like I spend a lot of time doing that.

I've forgotten to mention the good.

I was hired as a Teacher's Aide at an elementary school. Anyone that really knows me, also knows that I have been applying for this kind of position for yearrrrrrs. While it is only 1 hour and 15 minutes a day, it is the best 1 hour and 15 minutes I've had in a while. Children can heal even the darkest of hearts... until they turn into a pre-teen. BUT I'm lucky enough to work with kindergartners and first graders. :) They are THE cutest little beings ever.

I also have an interview, hopefully, coming up as an Aide at a Jr. High. *fingers crossed* I really, really hope that I can get both of these jobs going.

therapeutic laughs.

Life is ours,

never forget that.

I've spent the last few days in limbo of moping and angry feelings; all while wondering if I did the right thing.

Today, I'm happy. I know I did the right thing. And I will continue to do so.

Followers, on October 30th I was fired from my job. For what? For sticking up for myself. Yes, I did choose to use a "naughty word", but even after that I continued to do the right thing, by apologizing to the very person that had been hurting me for months.

We often forget that we all have the right to be treated fairly and nicely. It is the right of being human.

I will continue to fight for not only my rights, but the rights of the workers left behind.

Oh, and today, I shall be dining at Chuck-A-Rama.

Smile.

My 21st birthday was amazing. It lasted over 2 days and I enjoyed every minute of it.

~~~

Thank You to all who spent that time with me. xoxo

here and now

What goes up,

must come down.

Gravity.

Reality.

Vindictive,

After putting up my last post I have been thinking a lot about how being vindictive comes to be.

I realize that I am no person to talk.

And that bums me out. I used to be so happy, and bright. Now I constantly feel like I am walking under a cloud of doom. And this makes me realize that to be vindictive is to spread it. Others have made me this way and keep me this way, and if I don't try to stop, I could be causing it for someone else. I need to not allow the world to get to me so much. Yes, a lot of people suck. Yes, Utah sucks. Yes, religion sucks. But there is not a damn thing I can do about it. What I can do is smile and wave, because one day I'll be living in a big city or a small town or an in-between of that. One day I will be a mother of a child, or 2, or 3. One day I will have a fuzzy faced, 6 ft. 3 in. man, who wears plaid, button up shirts (this I can not take anything but, it is how it is), and maybe I'll be a teacher, or a counselor, or a stay at home mom who has a side job of selling jewelry out of the house. It doesn't matter what it is, I'll do it. The world is my oyster. I will not be at Golden Corral at 30 years old, with no schooling to my name. I will not be settling for the ghetto. I will not be settling for any man that pops into my life. And I will one day be genuinely happy again. As my dad has been telling me lately when he's noticed how down I am:

"This is all means to an end. You are not going to be here forever."

my life...

... and shit go hand-in-hand.

How is it that I am expected to keep my head up when things keep stomping down on me?

My job.

My "friends".

My living situations.

My dating life.

And now, my license is going to be taken away for a year.

I feel REALLY, REALLY shitty right now.

Like, what is the point?
I have no reason to be in Utah right now besides my family.

After court I think I'm going to pack up and leave.

The only thing is, when you are alone, you have no where to escape.

And without a license, I'm even more stuck.

I have not felt so completely stuck for a long time.

And this all leads me to wanting to drink. It's a vicious cycle.
For all of those who literally questions Liberals' political beliefs.
I just... can't comprehend that. We are never taking rights away. We are never putting someone in a spot that literally could destroy their spark called life.

It's Conservatives that take and take and control.

It's Conservatives that hate and judge and corrupt politics through religion.

I am so done right now.

I just need to go organize my room, cry, and then sleep.

When did being vindictive and hateful become acceptable??

When did this state get so far gone?

There is literally no hope for the state of Utah.

i

often

find

myself

thinking

this

Golden Corral: Mass Producer of Waste and Food Poisoning

"You are not Server material."

Miss Tracey of Golden Corral in Orem, Utah:

Your Servers are not BOH material. I, however, can do it all.

It's My Time,

once again I find myself wishing for better treatment.

I have not yet figured out why it is that I end up at the bottom while so many others end up at the top. It's as if my past friends, past and current managers, and past boyfriends have all sensed something about me. I have no fight left in me.

Where is my fight? It's been gone for a while. But I'm trying to bring it back. And I can honestly say I deserve respect. Respect that I have not been getting in a work place or life for a very, very long time.

It's my time.
And I meant what I said.

"I can't do it anymore."

But once again I have gone ignored. So I shall continue on my quest for a better job.
I have hope it will happen. Universe, don't let me down.

crash.

No one really puts much thought into what they do to others. It's one of the biggest flaws we human beings can have.

...but we don't have to be flawed in this way.

handle it.

I dreamed a dream...

and in this dream I became pregnant. By a man with a face I never saw. And my tummy grew. And then I gave birth. To a beautiful daughter. And my love for her was so deep. It was a love I'd never felt. My family was there as the doctors had placed her in my arms. And I named her Kaylee. Don't ask me why. I've never even thought of this for a daughter's name. But it happened. And I began to raise her. And all of the dirty diapers in the world couldn't take my love for her away. She was my everything. My hope for a better tomorrow. Then I woke up and literally missed my daughter.

I think I really want to have a baby. I'll do it on my own. God knows a man wouldn't make things better or easier.

Grandfather Moomchi,

it will be my pleasure to spend a day with you.

Wallah:

"The star-shaped morning glory is symbolic of a single day each year in which the Chinese lovers, Chien Niu and Chih Neu, are allowed to meet. According to Chinese lore, Chien Niu was a boy star who was entrusted to take care of water buffalo in the heavenly kingdom. A girl star named Chih Neu was put in charge of seamstress duties. They fell in love, and the romance caused them to neglect their duties. In anger, God forced the young lovers to be separated on both sides of the Silver River and allowed then to meet only once during the whole year...The morning glory is aptly named, as the flower blooms in the morning and dies by the afternoon."

It had begun.

It hurt a lot.

It was still hurting a lot.

It still hurt a lot. But it was done and beautiful. I guess I should say is beautiful. I feel pretty vain, I keep looking at myself in the mirror.

...LOVE...

"Writing is a means of carving order from chaos, of challenging one's own beliefs and assumptions, of facing the world with eyes and heart wide open. Through writing, we declare a personal identity... and we find purpose and beauty and meaning." 

-Jack Heffron

"Sometimes remembering will lead to a story, which makes it forever. That's what stories are for. Stories are for joining the past to the future. Stories are for those late hours in the night when you can't remember how you got from where you were to where you are. Stories are for eternity, when memory is erased, when there is nothing to remember except the story.

-Tim O'Brien

the truth about my nose dreams,

they ruin my real world.

For you see, sometimes I have these very real, vivid dreams. In them I get a nose job, and I am pretty. And I am happy. And boys like me for more than my body. And everything is peachy. Like, really peachy.

Then I wake up.

...

"You are capable of much more than just being looked at."

May this quote effect more than just me. We women need to get this in our heads!

one of those nights.

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”

As it is,

I am ready to fall in love.

I am ready to give my all to another person.

I am ready to believe in a future.

I am ready to smile every morning when I wake up to find the love of my life laying next to me.
I am ready to pay every bill, shop for my own food, and clean my own kitchen.

I am ready to argue over stupid things and then kiss everything all better.

And I am ready for it all to not be with him.

Brooke Button.

Sometimes I literally feel like I'm Benjamin Button.

My body should be young and alive, but instead it's like an 80 year old woman's body.

What 20 year old gets ulcers?
What 20 year old has arthritis in their fingers and hands?

What 20 year old is ready to go to bed at 9:30?
And I know I should stop complaining because things could be worse...

I could be bald.... *shudder.

In other news,

Grandfather Moomchi may be coming to see us next month. I am so excited to meet the man that gave me my Iranian blood. Like, REALLY excited. I don't think anyone gets it. My family thinks I'm weird for already naming the grandfather I've never met. Psh, I think it's lovely. Does it get me some points Grandfather Moomchi? Because I would LOVE a nose job. *smile&blinky eyes*.

Also, my mother bought me a sort of... "self help" book. All because I found this book at the Orem library called: My Big Nose and other natural disasters THIS book called out to me. Really, it did. But I can't say I hated getting the "self help" book, I was ready to high light the sh*t out of it.

And last, but not least... for anyone that is a facebook friend you may have noticed my profile-ish pictures. As much as I cannot accept my big nose... I also can. It's become easier for me to be okay with a picture of me. Now, don't get excited, I will NEVER love or even like my nose, but this whole knowing for sure that I am Iranian has made my nose more... exotically acceptable. Too bad I'm in America...

i hate this town.

alcoholics anonymous

i should join.

because right now, i want alcohol.

all of the time i want alcohol.

i can't handle life like a normal person so i drink.

THIS is what he did to me.

THIS is not how i want to live the rest of my life.

THIS could be it.

i don't like this knowledge.

‎"If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim." - P.S. I Love You

Anniversary of Fucked Up.

Tomorrow will come, and hopefully I will handle it just fine.

I've been having some problems with anxiety the past week or so.

Followed by dreams that leave me frustrated with my brain, get over it already.

There is nothing left to sort out yo.

maybe, probably, sort of.

Cops, Po Po, Pigs

So, tonight I decided to go out on the corner by my house and jokingly put my leg and thumb out just to see what any passersby would do. A cop just so happens to be the first car to go by. And what does he do? He decides to STOP in the lane, OBSTRUCTING traffic, get out of his car that is OBSTRUCTING traffic, and then come over to me threatening to give me a ticket for.... are you ready?...... OBSTRUCTING traffic. :P hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. What a DOUCHE. Anyway, so I'm obviously not taking this event seriously, so he has to go on and on thinking he has important things to say. He is annoyed with me for not thinking he is some sort of God and I am annoyed with him for existing, so we are not going to be friends, it is obvious. But it doesn't end here, another DOUCHE has to show up. Because you know, Lindon cops have nothing better to do with their "skills". They are now BOTH blocking the street, OBSTRUCTING more traffic flow. Two cops, one girl.... hmmmm. Also of importance is the fact that cars go 45-mph hour down our street when it is supposed to be a 25-mph zone and that he wasn't busy pulling over those cars he was busy OBSTRUCTING traffic and badgering me. So yes, the moral of this story is:

Cops are full of douchebaggery, and douchebags are bad for our vaginas.

Douchebaggery is not a friendly color on you my friend.

forever.

today will forever be the day that a selfish, lying, shite person got away with murdering her child. what has this world become? when a mother can kill her child, the person who she should unconditionally love, and then get away with it there is something terribly wrong with our belief system.

i am disgusted.

please someone take care of this monster....

my light, my aura

I keep hearing that I have this light about me and that is why certain people are drawn to me. I don't see it.

I am really, really tired.

Blue Valentine

...is a depressing movie.

I can't say I recommend it to anyone because it's so damn depressing. But if you are into that kind of stuff, watch it, sure.

Where does love go over time?

Pleasant Grove, UT

I've always known that I hated the place, but it wasn't up until today that my hate was finalized.

For you see, today I went to the Orem library! My heart was full and checking out my loot was an adventure. There were many, MANY, MANY books. There were many movies, books on audio, and 3 stories to fit it all. Oh, 3 stories and 2 sides to the library. Why does anyone want to live in Pleasant Grove? Really? They can't even give the citizens a good library. Which doesn't surprise me. What religion wants their people to educate themselves on literature that is not their own?

kind words from a friend/follower,

Brooke...

Your blog has inspired me and opened my heart so much. Your blog helps me to never regret my feelings. I am allowed to feel...I have realized a lot about my life and self after reading your blog.You use your blog for so much more then others, your blog is a diary. It has ups,downs and you write what you want don't matter what. you write how you feel and you share with others so deeply.

So broken, then renewed.

So real.

I feel honored to have been able to read it through out your journey.

Thank you for being an inspiration.

wow. this made me tear up. thank you so much.

the truth is,

the unknown scares me,

and everything in life is unknown.

Spooky.

Youtube feels I must not share a certain video with anyone. We wouldn't want to offend Mormons. Which further proves...

money is power.

and the "leaders" have nothing but profit.

So, now I'm left to describe what this video showed....

Women trying to enter the veil AKA enter into heaven. They are chanting and putting their hands up, and doing some sort of secret handshake, and the whole time you watch this you think, oh my lord, is this a cult? But no, it's the Mormon "religion". They are wearing their own veils/hoods, some green apron thing, and an Amish type dress. And after it ended I felt like throwing up. THIS is what my parents are a part of?! THIS? How? Why? I mean, they raised me to think and educate myself. Yet they do this? So it doesn't make sense to me. I am confused. I am hurt. I am sickened. I am worried...

If Mormons are this controlled what is stopping them from going into a big camp and committing mass suicide? What is stopping them from believing it is God's will? I feel like I need to protect my family. I do NOT want my siblings to be a part of this.

**EDIT** Good news! Someone helped me out via Ex-Mormons Worldwide on facebook. Thank you dear kind sir. You may watch the video HERE.

cowards.

I understand why the online world is so full of cruel people.
It's simple,

the real world is full of cowards.

Gentleman or...

So, after a horrible day of being proven right about a "friendlolololol"... my new friend took me on a date. A real date. He started by coming to my house to pick me up (already headed in the right direction) but he didn't stop there, he brought me roses! We then started driving South, only to end up at dun dun dun duuuun: Goodwood. AND THEN, he took me to Pirates of The Caribbean 4. We arrived back at my house at 11:00 where he ended the night by walking me to my door. :) Did I mention he opened every door for me... EVEN his car door. Ahhhh. Who is this mutant? He never tried to force a smacker on my lips, or shove his tongue down my throat, or his hand up my shirt, or his fingers down my pants...

it was just a lovely night of being respected. I am still waiting for the world to implode or something...

...

"Human bodies are amazing. They don't have to be whole to work."

the family,

When you break up with someone and you have grown fairly close with the family it's sort of like... BAM. The hurt I mean. For you see, Eric was a pretty crummy person, but his family was great. And today, as I'm sitting here with just my thoughts I can't help but miss them.

I texted his mother. I'll admit it. I just wanted her to know I think about them and miss them.

And the text back made me wonder, "What has he been telling his family??"
It wasn't a mean text by any means, no, his mother is too sweet. But I feel like she has some emotion directed at me for "hurting her baby". I would apologize if I had done something wrong. Ugh. Maybe one day she'll happen across my blog. Wishful thinking, I know. But if she does...

Tricia,

I would like you to know that I couldn't let myself "settle" again. I deserve more than settling. AND honestly, your son didn't respect me, at all. I just wanted him to do something with his life. ANYTHING. Guitar lessons, voice lessons, art lessons, part-time job, go to college part-time, do chores around the house. But he literally did nothing. And I had already dealt with a person close to being like that, I couldn't do it again. There is so much I would like to tell you, but it would come off as me bad-talking Eric. So, just know, there is so much you choose to ignore about him. But it was IN MY FACE always. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was beat. :/

I hope one day Eric gives you guys the respect you deserve. I hope one day he learns how to say "thank you". I hope one day he realizes he takes you all for granted and all he has been given isn't normal for someone that has done what he has. And most importantly I hope one day he gives you a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, and normality. You told me once he was the one you had high hopes for. It hurts so much to know he can't give you anything that a mother deserves. I've vented to my mom for many moons about this. You deserve so much from him, and he can't even give you a fraction of that.

I am frustrated, and sad. But also happy, because for once in my life I made a good decision, for myself. Although I miss you, I know we are better off now then if I had waited a year to fight for my happiness. I hope one day you fight for your happiness. You are the parent, always remember that. It's your house, your money, your rules. You are capable of being more in charge than you believe.

believe.

"Believe that heartbreak can heal, and that there will be a better tomorrow."

May every girl find the hope, one day, to move on.

Random Question:

Am I the only person that gets sad at the thought of finishing a book?

addictions.

You hear of people being addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, getting that high...

but no one ever mentions the addiction to feeling wanted.

It has hit me today, as I'm reading a book on addiction, that I have a problem with that.

Not only will I always want to turn to alcohol for relief. I'm going to always feel like I need that "PROOF" that I'm wanted in the world. But just so every girl can find hope...

you do NOT need to give yourself to a male to be "wanted".

I am aware that I am going to have many struggles to overcome. And maybe I'm a stupid head for piling them all on so close to each other... but here is my promise to not only the world, but myself:

"I will not let depression, alcohol, and sex destroy me. I will prove to my family, friends, and myself that I have a reason to be here, that I have a reason to be at my best, and that I have a reason to go on, healthily."

I thank the random people that have popped into my life as of lately, surprisingly I've become friends with some Mormons. Ahhhhh, crazy I know. They have given me a look at what I would like to achieve. Not so much because they are Mormons, but because they have goals. These 3 girls do not know what they have brought me to feel. I just wish I could bring them to fully understand that I will be forever grateful for just meeting them, talking to them, and hearing their life stories. You can be a girl that makes bad decisions and still turns her life around. You can be a girl that follows her beliefs until she meets that ONE guy that she gives everything too. You can be religious while still being accepting. You can have hope in something better even when you've been cursed with a broken heart. (that WILL heal by the way.) We all just need time. Time; be patient ya'll.

Strength. I have it. I'm going to use it. Saying goodbye to those that will get me no where, saying goodbye to those that have gotten me no where, and saying hello to a new today.

Dear You,

Sincerely, Me

disgust.

i can't stop being disgusted with myself.

i was made a fool of, again. i specifically said i believed i was making a better choice in my last boyfriend. i was wrong.

very, very, very wrong. i keep trying to be okay with that.

but how can i keep being SO wrong with who i date?? i am starting to lose hope in ever finding someone good and worthwhile.

only bums like me. :( not even like me... more like, want to use me.

they use, and they use, and they use. BUT i am a human being. i am a girl. i have had my heart broken. i have dated an abusive jerk. and the last guy knew this and STILL only thought of himself. i lose hope in people more and more every day. i need to sleep...

and maybe cry.

but i don't want to cry anymore.

i don't want to know me anymore.

i'm a fucking idiot.

It's sort of sad when...

1. Both of your parents are down because bums keep coming into your life.

2. You are down because you keep allowing bums into your life.

3. Even your dad (an asshole) tells you, "You take in these 'projects' in hope to better their lives and then end up sorely disappointed. But you only leave this 'project' when they push your final buttons."

4. Your dad (an asshole) also says with much despair, "Where are all of these bums coming from?!"

5. Your mother agrees with you when you say, "I have dated THE WORST choices in men known to womenkind."

6. You never get an apology for all of the horrid things they do.

7. You become the crazy bitch.

I have to laugh at the last one, I sort of do it to myself, but at the same time... use your brains people! Why do you think no one else tries anymore? They are doomed. So for my projects I give myself a score of

F+

You Lost Me.

so much emotion in one little song.

le sigh.

Is it too much to want a guy that says,

"Babe, tonight, don't plan anything. Because it's going to be me, you, and a dinner under the stars."

I've NEVER had a guy that takes me on a date. A real date. Not a: "Hey, we should go to dinner. What do you think?"

I'm definitely not saying that I didn't enjoy the time I spent with a person.
But I am saying that since him... I've had nothing even close to acceptable.

And that is sad.

That is pathetic.

Because come on, even someone never took me out for a nice date.

Boys are really.... lazy these days.
Get up and move you ass hats!

I mean.... *cough....

please someone special, come soon.

actually don't.

I'm not ready for you.

my last kiss.

No one ever thinks their last kiss with their love is going to be a planned last kiss, but ours was. Now, looking back, I'm thinking his plans were a little bit different than mine. You see, I didn't think it would really be our last. I think he knew the whole time. I'm kind of angry he asked for it now, ya know? Yet...

I wish I could remember the feelings more.
I wish I had treasured our last hug.
I wish I had treasured our last hang out on the same bed.
I wish I had treasured our last little disagreement.
I wish I had treasured his last laugh with me.
I wish I had never helped us get here.
I wish I could get away from myself.

I wish he knew.
I wish he cared.
I wish he understood.

I wish that I didn't care.

I'm glad I do.

Blame It On The Rain.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back the fuck up off it creepers!

PSYCHO! (trigger warning)

The other night I had one of one THE worst experiences of my life. No joke. I really don't want to have to type this out, but this needs to be shared...

I had finally decided to catch up with an old friend. This old friend obviously had a peeked interest in me... I just didn't know how much. We hung out for a few hours with some other people. After a while he asked if he could talk to me upstairs.... this is where it gets scary... WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This is pretty much our conversation: (imagine a creeper trying to kiss you on and off the whole time, grabbing your arms when you say you just want to go back downstairs and try to do just that, and THRUSTING your face upwards saying: "Look at me when I'm talking to you.")

HIM: "I've had many opportunities where I could have kissed you tonight, but I didn't because I didn't know your thoughts on the matter. I cannot deny you are physically attractive. But it's more than that. You are mentally and intellectuality stimulating. Sex is not my word of choice. I prefer "mating" or even better "sexual reproduction". I can neither deny that I would very much like to sexually reproduce with you if given the opportunity. What are your thoughts on this matter?"

ME: -my face was literally something like this :S- "Ummmm... I mean... that's... just... not going to happen. I'm sorry. But no... just... no."

HIM: "But why?"

ME: "First of all, I dated your older brother a while back. Second of all you are younger than me. I NEVER date someone younger than me. It just wouldn't happen." (I was trying to be kind with my reasoning because in my mind he was this little boy that I had once adored... whom had just happened to turn into a CREEPER.)

HIM: "Intellectually that just doesn't make sense."

ME: "What sort of answer are you wanting here? I mean... it's just not going to happen. That's my answer."

HIM: "What would your thoughts be on me kissing you?"

ME: "That is also not going to happen." -us going back and forth on him trying to get his way and me saying NO WAY YOU CREEPER!... except in a nicer way. But just when I thought he couldn't make it anymore scary.... 

HIM: "Biologically I am the perfect choice for your age. My sperm count best matches up with your fertility cycle. You are ready to be a mother. Did you know that Brooke? There are very few who would have my offspring and even fewer who I would want to have my offspring."

ME: "nooooo.... I'm not.... ready... to be a.... mother. That's just... hahaha... not true." (at this point I was almost in hysteria, hence I finally let out some laughter, but it was like scared laughter... and I kept waiting for someone to rescue me... but as always I had to save myself)

...Some of the guys came up and said they were heading to Wally World, I decided then that I was getting the hell out of there. And I did. And I am still in shock about this whole thing. Random pieces of this time haunt me when I am trying to go to sleep. People, there are creepers out there. Beware.

Sorry,

I apologize for getting down again.
I'm trying to be a happier person outside and inside my blogs.

But damn it's hard. :P

I'm going to continue trying though.

"People must first discover happiness with themselves before seeking it with another." -ME

hahaha.

I'm outtie.

Miserably Still Loving Him.

aggghhh. laughter only lasts so long.
it's like i'm determined to be miserably loving him forever.

stupid. stupid. stupid.

Single Female

him: "You're cute, just so you know."

me: "Define cute...."

him: "Cute.... attractive? It wouldn't hurt my eyes to see you."

My single status always brings many stories.

but I'm so sick of guys just wanting me for sex.

last night

I had a dream

And in this dream I was back in a small town in Colorado. It looked as if it was going to rain. My mom was driving me through this busy street and I was trying to find this little diner that he and I had gone to. I couldn't find it. And I couldn't find him. So I started crying. My mother said to me, "Brooke, everything's going to be okay. It really is. You can stop crying now." We were then put through this almost... hot wheels track... type of road. And I was scared we were going to fall off. It felt like a roller coaster, only nothing was holding us to the road. I started to panic even through my tears. My mom said, "It's going to be okay. I can get us through this. We are almost across."

Then I woke up.

I can't tell you EXACTLY what this little town looked like now.
Or what it was named.
But in my dream it was so clear.

The landscape.
The buildings.

The grocery store with healthy food.

The name.

Sometimes I hate my dreams.

Learning Not Mourning

I am in a "take everything as a learning experience" stage.

So, when I receive a text from my ex that goes as follows:

"haha you're ridiculous. You don't care about anything but yourself. And if you did... you would notice the effort I've made and am still making. You act as if you know what I'm thinking and am doing when I'm not around you, when all I've ever done is try to be the best friend/boyfriend I can be. Sometimes things are hard for me but that doesn't mean I'm not giving my all. But you know everything so why am I even talking."

Well, first of all ERIC, you haven't talked to me, you are texting. May I point out that whenever I tried the whole serious talk thing YOU started to raise your voice and act like a little emotional whiny butt.

Second of all, (and this is my learning experience) I am taking this as my Karma. I often sent angry texts, most MUCH worse than this, to a special someone. I'll take this. I'll let it sit on my shoulders for a bit. I'll move on.

I am Scorpio, feel my sting.

Scorpios hate with the same passion in which they love.

Scorpios are all about curiosity.

These folks are super-keen on learning about other people and figuring out what makes things tick. They are helped in this by their keen sense of intuition. Part of what makes Scorpios seek information is their understanding that knowledge is power.

Scorpios like to be in control and they use secrets to get it. They can also be quite pushy when it comes to making sure they get their own way. This makes them valuable at work, but some people will be intimidated by them.

Scorpio folks are intense, passionate and filled with desire. However, this is not easy to see because suspicious Scorpios are expert at hiding their emotions. Scorpios make deadly enemies because of their terrible tempers, and they will certainly seek revenge on anyone who does them wrong. They also can take a trivial matter and turn it into a huge deal.

That said, Scorpios are very perceptive about other people's feelings, and they are usually in the know about who is doing what and with whom. Some Scorpios can tune in to ever wider vibrations.

We Are All Going To Be Okay.

We just have to allow it.

I may have treated people badly, I may have made HORRIBLE choices.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I have a job.

I am going back to school in the fall.

I have my family and my kitty.

I have a few close friends.

That's all you need!

fate is fate.

I am not going to mess with it.

What I am going to do is live life to the fullest. I am going to be happy with myself! No more distractions.

I, Danae Brooke Conley, will make it.

I'm going to be okay.

Possibly,

just possibly...
I could be pissed off.

For you see, when your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend contacts your ex-boyfriend via Facebook that just might be a button pusher. Really? Who does that?? Stay out of my life. A psycho has found a psycho. Awwww, it's adorable. Now leave mine and my own the hell alone.


I could not possibly be more annoyed at this time.

When anxious:

I clean.

Is that bad? I have done laundry, cleaned the laundry/cat room, AND boiled eggs for yummy egg sammiches.

Sadly, my room and bathroom have already been cleaned by moi during another of my anxiety attacks.

Someone give me something to clean!

Or money to shop... yes, that would be even better.

True Story.

Him: "Do you even believe in love?"

Her: "I used to."

If only I could put the emotion felt. Then maybe it would be better understood. Sometimes I wish I could share my memories with another. Sometimes I am glad I can't.

Sometimes I hate another him.

Sometimes I hate that I can't hate him.

Honestly, I have this huge fear that I will never be able to love again, and there is nothing that will be able to change that. I constantly feel like a part of me is missing. A part of me that I haven't been able to find. I don't even know if that part of me is out there to find anymore.

I literally don't feel. There is nothing more I can write or say to try and help anybody understand. I can only reach this certain point and then there is... nothing.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I know there is someone better out there for me. 

I gave it to the wrong person. Can I please have my heart back?

I don't want to be numb anymore.

Who Says?

yes, this song does lift my mood.

thou hath been beat.

The nights like these are when I WISH dearly for Xanax.

I feel all uptight, sort of nauseous, and like I'm ready to attack at any given moment.

Just a random thing: I hate the word "nauseous". Who really knows how to spell it when put on the spot?

Anyway, I feel very... antsy right now. I need something, but I don't know what! I need... calm. I need... peace. I need... care.

Help.

Men!

damn them.

damn them all.

if hell exists, go there.

you selfish, horny, lying, ignorant creatures can leave me alone.

starting NOW.

My Advil better start working.

By the way,

My father is for sell. Want him? He is going for $275. It will help me pay my rent in two months.

:(

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad.

I have not been this sad since, well, you all know who.

Except this time, I am not angry along with sad.

So it's sucks so much more.

Anger where are you when I need you?

Oh, that's right...

Thank You Pristiq.

You do wonders, I would much rather be sad than angry. ;)

Gahhhhhhhh, I just want to scream. It's so much easier to be okay when you are out doing stuff. But now I am stuck with my thoughts, my heart, and food. Food that I could emotionally devour right now, but I shant.

I still haven't really, really cried. Except for this space of 30 seconds that was really pathetic, and I am glad no one walked in on me. I think I need to weep. Does anyone want to watch The Notebook with me?

please. :/

...

Today I:

1. Broke up with my boyfriend.

2. Broke up with my job.

3. Should be breaking up with my parents.

clickaclack.

the sound of the imaginary bullet i just put through my brain.

i feel like no one will ever listen to me. why do i even try? no one wants me to be happy. they want themselves to be happy.

they want me to be mormon.

they want me to be their girlfriend.

they want me to put out.

they want me to clean up kid shit day after day.

well i want to leave.

leave you all.

& lose some more.

So what if I turn to alcohol to be happy. At least that is what my mind is saying. My body has other ideas.
I am sick.
I am also sick of being sick.
My kidneys suck.
My ovaries suck.
The health of my body overall sucks.
Physically & mentally, I am beat.


The good side of all of this is that I have lost a significant amount of weight. I enjoy how my stomach looks, once again. :)


p.s. You don't have to count calories when you are eating close to nothing.

fuckin' perfect.

I wish I could backspace my life.

I just backspaced the hell out of this post.

My freedom was taken long ago it seems.

I miss not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. 

Now I am stuck with my own thoughts. Wanting to shout them to the world. But never doing it. And I know I don't have any REAL friends. So that's a bummer. I have to go to work in about an hour. I'm afraid today will be the day that I scream, "FUCK THIS JOB!" and then throw down whatever I am holding and head to the nearest exit. My dad would never allow me to stay in his house. My dad is a douche. How many days can a father ignore his daughter's existence? I don't know... I think I'm going on 2 weeks now.

Here is the truth: I blame parents for fucking up their kids. Maybe if I had a good, strong, firm relationship with my father I wouldn't constantly FUCK UP the kind of guys I allow into my life. Maybe I wouldn't trade sex for some hope of "love" "caring" "honesty" "companionship". Here is the truth: I blame religion for fucking up parenting skills. Unconditional love can not exist when religions are pounding down conditions. "Jesus Said Love Everyone" -a Mormon song. Well, read the fine print:

unless they are gay, black, speak their mind while also having tits, want nothing to do with religion, have pet unicorns, walk backwards while sucking on a rainbow lollipop...

I backspaced the hell out of this post again.

I guess that means I am done.

sad&tired.

I knew it couldn't go on forever. Where do I start...

My relationship is failing. And I am sad. It's crazy... I truly believed after Nick that I just wouldn't care like I did with him. But this is getting pretty depressing. I don't even know how to explain how I am really feeling. The closest I can come is this:

It's a mix of Camron and Nick. I'm fed up but at the same time the idea of losing him makes me want to cry. And I probably shouldn't say Camron... just because this fed up is different. I am fed up with being disappointed. Camron was just a douche.

I really feel sick. It's like all of this stress is tearing my body apart. I have been soooo tired these past few days. And my head won't stop hurting! I am also biting my nails again. "yippee".

I was looking forward to Spring Break because it meant no work for me, but I am now worried that is just going to lead me to sitting around dwelling on my depressed state. Also, I have discovered the joys of opiates. This is not a good thing. Codeine you started me on a path that could be destructive.

Oh, I'm taking the ACT on Saturday. Wish me luck! I have not taken a math class since 11th grade. :S I am just a tad worried. Anyway, this will lead me to... dun dun dun duuuun:

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL IN THE FALL!!!

hungover... again.

am i an alcoholic? perhaps.

Run My Life...

There are those that can't be responsible for one second and make horrible decisions. 

There are those that can't have fun and end up miserable.

There are those that ruin the happiness of others.

There are those that let their happiness be ruined.

What is living anyway?! Be nice. Be good. Be honest. Be ethical. Go to school. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Who decides the way life is supposed to be run?! Can't I be happy my own way?

one of those nights...

I am once again having one of those nights where I would much rather stay curled up in my bed with the laptop then go out. I am enjoying not wearing a bra. I am enjoying having my pants undone. I am enjoying my messy hair. I am enjoying snacking on food that I shouldn't. Okay, that's a lie. I fear I will gain weight. Le sigh. Damn you calories.

 

I want a break from the same-old, same-old.

I want to get in a car and drive to California.

I want to sleep on the beach.

I want to run around in a bikini and not care what the fuck I look like, because I'm never going to see any of the people around me again.

I want to buy a souvenir that I can wear around my neck.

I want to tan in the sun... well maybe get a sunburn.

I want to come back with another tattoo.

I want to smoke weed while watching the sun come up.

I want to make love in the cool breeze.

I want to walk around barefoot and not get frost bitten.

I want to know that my life is going to turn out okay in the end.

I want to not have a job for a month or two.

I want to tell my dad that he is mean.

I want to move out again.

I want to get shit-faced every night, pass out, wake up, and then do it all over again.

I want to not have a care in the world.

I need to stop wanting so much.

FIGHT.

life effect

Sorry for wasting your time
Five long months on the telephone line
Hours of asking if you were fine
And saying I was fine, too
Sorry, but I've got to go
The birth was quick but the death was slow
There was so much I didn't now
So much I never knew about you

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
It's called the life effect
Will it always surround us

Who made you happy last night
I don't know his name, but christ can he fight
As I fell, he told me you had a light
A light that shone inside you

I found myself a decent man now
I love him because I can
The bravest that I've ever been
Was when I ran away from you

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
It's called the life effect
Will it always surround us

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
Nothing left to protect
The end has finally found us

The day is almost over
It's almost time for bed
So now you've finally lost me
Rest your weary head

good&bad.

I had THE coolest dream EVER last night. I was at a rave that lasted for days, but there were also comedians there performing. So maybe it was more of a festival of awesome. But anyway, in my dream I met Chelsea Handler. We were all partying it up. It may have also been some form of Las Vegas.... Anyway, I wish I had dreams like this EVERY night.

I awoke to find my buhbay Brewster sick. :( His tail is literally dead. And his back legs are not working normally. Paralysis? Stroke? I just don't know. We are taking him to the vet tomorrow. I handled it pretty well... until I was driving home from work. It was then, as I was jamming Taylor Swift on my iPod, that I wept like a little baby. I don't know what I will do if it's something that will just get worse... and then I have to put him to sleep. MY CHILD DYING is NOT something I can handle. I haven't decided if I should contact his father yet. Most of me thinks he wouldn't give a shit.

Happy Birthday, Mister Ephebophile!

Happy Birthday to you, 

Happy Birthday to you, 

Happy Birthday dearrrrrr Mister Ephebophile!!!

Happy Birthday to you.

:]

hugs&kisses.

A Lesson Learned...

"Hold your head high,
don't ever let them define the light in your eyes."

Dredg.

I'm so sick, infected with where I live

I am back from the doc and dun dun dun duuuun:

I have influenza. Jealous? You should be. It's awesome.

Thank you children who can't wash their hands!

Thank you parents who send their sick kids to school!

In other news,

I was pretty much told I am too skinny and too stressed.

Hence, I have not had a real woman "fun-time" in over 5 months.

Here is what I have to say to that:

"There is no way in hell I am going to allow myself to gain any weight. In fact I plan on trying to lose more weight."

The meds are making me sleepy. The doc gave them to me so I can actually sleep. My fingers are getting kind of numb and my eyesight is blurring. Nice, very nice.

Goodnight moon.

Three Is The Charm.

Wish me luck.

Today will be my third visit to the doc in 3 weeks.

MAYBE I will actually find out what is wrong with me,

AND MAYBE I will get better.

Or is that too much to ask for in this time and age?

I mean, after all, doctors' salaries are "suffering" so it's not like I can expect them to actually focus on the job at hand.

I mean, who becomes a doctor to help people anyway.

I mean, this is only America.

I mean....

fuck it.

GO NURSES, GO!

Sick. So sick. Help!

I am one NOT, hot mess right now.

IF someone were to be watching me right now this is what they would be seeing....

1. My best friend, Mr. Toilet Paper Roll getting yelled at every time I have to use him. But the joke is on him, he is almost out of existence.

2. Me using all sorts of profanity before and after I sneeze my guts out.

3. Me grumbling about stupid things that an 8-year-old would probably be complaining about. I should know, my 11-year-old brother even made fun of me.

4. My hair making me look like I just had my life rocked in bed, sadly, it isn't so.

5. Pills, pills, and more pills. Pills that are not doing a damn thing.

6. Water, that I want to drink, but can barely drink.

And now Mr. Toilet Paper Roll is gone. R.I.P.

Time for Mr. Toilet Paper Roll Jr.

This blog post is stupid.

I should go to bed.

I wish I could breathe!

-tear-

Oh wait... no, 

I just have a cold.

Someone didn't like that I told the truth about him.

Your dishonesty is not my burden to hold.

My Bully

Well, one of too many.

Anyway, I get on Facebook to discover some friend requests.

One of which is:

COREY  FUCKING LARSEN

*gasp!*

Now if anyone is wondering why that is so "gasp" worthy, let me explain.

He made fun of me nearly EVERY day in 9th Grade. One day I actually ran out of class crying. I never got an apology. I never even felt like he had remorse. And NOW he wants to be Facebook "friends" because?! What has this world come to? It seems as though bullies literally don't comprehend the pain they cause. It will never go away. He is one of the main reasons I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

Hey Corey! How about you pay for a nose job and then "big nose", "grudge girl", "Pinocchio" will accept the friend request...

Deal?

blegh.

It has now been 3 weeks of me being incredibly sick on and off.

My mood is suffering.

My optimism is suffering.

And my head is going to explode.

I am missing a party right now.

Oh vodka, why?

I will think of you all night.

:(

xoxo

Another 3-day weekend destroyed.

I hate my job.

I hate how unappreciated, and underpaid I am.

...

He was always my gold.

I will always be bronze.

The Truth

Dearest followers,

I have something to confess. As someone who prides herself on honesty, I must tell you...

I lied.

I lied with my words and pictures. And I feel horrid about it. The truth is my last relationship was anything but picture perfect. I haven't been too upfront about what happened. Which is weird, I know. Since we all know I love to vent the truth out to the online world. So here are the facts:

1. While I was smiling in any pictures I posted of Camron and I, quite often I was feeling down and exhausted.

2. He was a bully, and when he drank, he was an even bigger bully.

3. He threatened to cheat on me/break up with me in the first week of dating. All because I was hanging out with friends without him. Yet I stuck around.

4. That trip to Idaho I posted about quite a while ago... complete fail. I spent too much time weeping in the hall of the motel. Two months in and he was acting like my father on his worst days. Yet I stuck around.

5. He would make fun of my nose.

6. Every time I would find a way to hang out with my friends he had to come along. He would then drink, and decide I was a cheater in waiting. He then would make me upset in front of my friends, embarrassing me, and making me worry I wouldn't get invited to go hang out anymore.

7. The biggest smack came at one of these get togethers. (The 80's Bus Party) He drank A LOT. Treating me more and more badly with every chug. And by the end of the night this is what I heard from the person that "loved me"

"Now I can see why he left you."

He brought up marriage and I knew I had to get out.

Anyone reading this is probably wondering why I decided to write about this now. Well, my sister is the only one that knows about him and who he is. I feel like this is something that needs to be talked about. People need to know. Women need to know.

I have got to stop doing this to myself.

The Great Discussion...

After having a great discussion, I have realized I've never experienced unconditional love. My hope is that one day I will be good enough for someone.

Root Beer

vodka.

Mmmmmmmmmm.
Numb.
Numb.
Numb.
Being numb feels good.
Feeling numb is being good.

In a bad way.

...

"When you live with another person for 50 years, all of your memories are invested in that person, like a bank account of shared memories. It’s not that you refer to them constantly. In fact, for people who do not live in the past, you almost never say, “Do you remember that night we...?” But you don’t have to. That is the best of all. You know that the other person does remember. Thus, the past is part of the present as long as the other person lives. It is better than any scrapbook, because you are both living scrapbooks."

-Federico Fellini

Break Even

Things He Called Me

"heartless bitch"

What kind of men refer to women as bitches?

Why You Always Lyin'

have fun lying to everyone, and yourself.

Time to drop a quote: "How about you stop lying about me, and I will stop telling the truth about you."

My Siblings:

The day has finally come...

Keith II- He just turned 16 years old; and boy oh boy can you tell his age. Was I that cranky when I was 16?? :P He has some things to figure out in his life. I try to help him but... that doesn't go very well. But here are the good things about him: He is VERY artistic. I think one day with some practice and self discipline he could become a tattoo artist. What a cool job that would be! He could hook his sista up!! :D Right now he is taking drum lessons, we all hope it helps him take out some of his aggression. He likes to design video game levels? Pardon me, I do not know the lingo. But he has gotten good feedback, and I believe he could even decide to go into graphic design if he wanted to.

Kaitlyn- She is 12 years old; turning 13 in March. She acts much older than her age. I often turn to her for advice or just a friendly reminder that I am not alone. She is VERY popular and pretty. Can you say cheerleader type? ;) She hates when I say she could/should be a cheerleader. (as long as she doesn't take on the bad habits they sometimes have *coughcoughskanks) Anywayyyy, She is boy crazy; VERY boy crazy. I can't believe how early it starts these days. So boys, I've got my eyes on you....

Among her many talents, because she is good at so many things, sigh* Jealous, are gymnastics and dance. She has taken a break from dance though. She had been in it since she was 2 years old and was burnt out. But really, she can pretty much do anything she sets her mind to.

Donovan-He is 11 years old and is the baby of the family. While he can be quite the little "brat" at the end of the night he is usually the one making a wise crack that has us all laughing. He's good at breaking a bad mood. He is a sweet heart. Sometimes I worry about him. He is so easily walked on by others. :/ He LOVES anything about World War II. While it's hard to get him to read and write give him something on war and he's reading to do both. He was not a "planned" child; which I mentioned in an earlier post. But to go further on that. I believe he was sent to us for a reason. His health conditions have brought our family closer, who knows, he may have even saved my parents' marriage. We don't know what is in store for his future but he will have our love and support all along the way.

What I Believe:

Ask me again when I'm a happier person.

But in funnier news, here are some of my not as important beliefs:

1. I believe Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly are phonies.

2. I believe the LDS church is not true; in fact no religion is true. If any church were true God would be a judgmental, pervert, jerk.

3. I believe I HATE living in Utah.

4. I believe I need a nose job.

5. I believe one day... if I make it... I will find people who treat me right. I will live somewhere great; hopefully California!

6. I believe I am not crazy. Although if someone had asked me even a month ago I would have said I was. But really, as my one day counselor said; summarized: "I've just been dealt too many bad cards." I believe anyone in my shoes would have lost it a LONG, long time ago.

7. I believe patience is the best thing for me right now. *smirk

but you're just a boy...

intimacy.
honesty.
commitment.
you.
me.
us.

...

-A Moment-

A moments is all it takes to lose your mind; your spirit; your hope.
A moment is all it take to be ruined.
A moment is all it takes to have your pride trampled on; your name disgraced.
And a moment is all it takes to decide to push forward after all of this.

understand me. please.

"Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive; look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand."

Kaitlyn,

My sister, my best friend.

We can be dweebs together.

this once was perfect...

This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect

Give your immortality to me; I'll set you up against the stars

The sea is wine red, this is the death of beauty The doves have died, the lovers have lied.

-The Hush Sound

Jar Of Hearts.

God this is so my song. But sometimes I just want to scream, because I don't want this to be my song.

a lil' bit of Karma...

Green Bay Packers-21
Chicago Bears-14

:]

Today is a good day people. A very good day.


p.s. I just love watching teammates run into each other. hahahaha!

My Parents:

My parents, hmmmm, what is there to write...

My father was born on August 19, 1962. His parents went through quite a few divorces which led to an unstable homelife. After graduating he decided to join The Marines. He went out, leaving a fiance at home, returning to learn she had cheated. So he broke the engagement off. He then went on a mission for the LDS church; although not raised in a Mormon home. After returning from his mission he attended BYU. Where he met my mother. (surprise, surprise.)

My mother was born on September 23, 1965. She was raised in a VERY religious, Mormon home. She attended Ricks College (now BYU-I) where she met her love. After he left on his mission for the LDS church she soon decided to go on one as well. But while gone, he came back, finding another girl and then leaving my mother. Heartbroken, she then attended BYU. Where she met my father. (surprise, surprise.)

They got married after around 7 months of dating. (surprise, surprise) My dad didn't want to have children until school was finished but after 2 years of marriage my mom was VERY baby hungry. One day there was a storm and the lights went out... VIOLA! Here I am. When I was almost 5 years old they had my little brother, Keith. After that the doctors said my mother should not have any more kids due to almost dying. But my mom wouldn't listen. She knew she was meant to have one more child. Bam, Bam, Bam... here came my little sister, Kaitlyn. She once again almost died, as well as almost losing my sister. But in the end, all was well. And my parents were satisfied with life. But the universe had other plans, there came my other little brother, Donovan. This is a popular saying from my parents: "Dad wanted 2 kids, Mom wanted 3, and God wanted 4." I won't so much disagree here. Whomever/whatever was responsible for sending Donovan should get a big thank you... but I believe another day is about siblings. So I will save that for later.

All in all, my parents and this family haven't had the best things thrown at them. But we are still together... Moving to Utah definitely wasn't the best thing for our family. But maybe one day we won't be here anymore.

So Yesterday.

You can change your mind.

You can change your clothes.

If you change your mind, well that's the way it goes.

You can say you're bored.

You can act real tough.

You could say you're torn, but I've heard enough.

Thank you, you made my mind up for me.

When you started to ignore me.

Do you see a single tear?

It isn't going to happen here.

Haven't you heard?

I'm going to be okay.

I'm just a bird that has already flown away.

-Hilary Duff