March 3rd, 2022

I always made excuses for why he let his uncle and aunt treat me the way they did. They helped him when he was just a kid. They were there when he was alone. So of course, he has to choose them. They helped us move our 5th Wheel, maybe I should just let it go. They helped me with the car. They're his family and I can understand how that's something you hold on to. I mean anything and everything went through my mind.

The first thing his uncle said when he met me was, "So you're both not drinkin', huh? The sex better be good." First, he told me I heard his uncle wrong. I wouldn't agree. That didn't work so he moved on, he told me he didn't hear his uncle say it even though he was right there. I pushed it down.

Every time we'd see them his uncle would offer me a drink and smirk, I'd always say no. Sometimes he'd ask me again an hour later, knowing I was now surrounded by people drinking. He knew I was an alcoholic and had been sober for some time. Even worse were the days when his uncle would pass me over and offer him a drink and look at me, that same smirk resting on his red and bloated face. Writing this out is making me feel so sick, I almost threw up earlier. I don't know what's going on with me today. I just don't feel well. Fuck. I keep telling myself to figure it out and stop distracting myself. No amount of attention is going to make this feel better. I can't though. I can't fucking do this. I smoked today, and if I'm being completely honest, I am about to do it again.

This can't be my life. I can't finish writing about his aunt and uncle right now.

**Sidenote: After writing this I had a real bad time, and well that bad time hasn't ended yet. Nightmares and I am smoking again. I've felt nothing but shame, but the words of my therapist do enter my head: I don't always see a victory as a victory. I didn't drink on March 3, and I didn't drink after that. I'm still not drinking.