Trauma Bonded Relationships

When I signed us up for Couple's Therapy for some sort of lifeboat as our ship sank, I never could have imagined how much worse I would feel. Therapy is supposed to help you, right? This is incorrect. Couple's Therapy is not helpful if one or both partners are abusive. This information is not well known. So let me repeat myself: Couple's Therapy is not helpful if one or both partners are abusive.

There would be days when we would get out of a session, and he would go back on something we had discussed. As soon as the laptop shut his character changed. He said what he knew she wanted to hear. He said what he knew I needed to hear. At the end of the day, nothing was improving. When I decided I was done I didn't even discuss it with him. I just emailed her and told her we would not be continuing due to his constant complaints of attending and needing to send me money for the payment. I had started my anti-depressants at this point, and I found myself feeling more able to handle my emotions. Things were starting to feel less foggy. Those meds on top of the fact that I had continued tracking what set me off and when, made it clear: I still needed therapy. So I signed myself up.

In my first session I showed up a mess. I had plans to get ready, but as with most any other day I really didn't have the energy. I told her I think my boyfriend is a Narcissist or I am crazy. She asked me if I was making any sort of safety net. Did I reach out to friends? Did I have money set aside that he had no access to? These questions alarmed me. However, I had been doing these things for a few months. She said that was good. We continued from there. The more I talked to her and my friends the more I heard things like: "that's not normal", "that's not okay", or "he seriously harmed you/he could have killed you". I still wouldn't leave. I had the money. I had built back up my support system. I had Kathy. I couldn't leave. I wouldn't leave. I truly believed he and I were meant to be and that I needed to get better in my head.

Now I am thinking about how our therapist from Couple's Therapy threw out the term Trauma Bonded Relationships. She knew I was reading a lot of articles and following different studies. I see what she was doing now. She was trying to help me see what I refused to see. I emailed her after leaving him to let her know I got out. She told me she ethically could not tell me to leave. I was angry. Another system set in place to protect abusers and exploiters. However, I've had some time to reflect. She has a job. She has a family to care for. Why risk losing her job for me? Who the fuck am I? She left me a trail to follow, and I eventually followed it. I really need a few knocks around before I get a message.

Please watch "8 Common Patterns in Trauma Bonded Relationships" by Dr. Ramani on YouTube.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You are here. You are safe.

-Danae Brooke