November 17th, 2021

I went to sit on his lap facing towards him. To cuddle maybe kiss, but he got upset about me possibly messing up his hair. He does this every time, pulls away for his hair.... pulls away because I'm being annoying.... Basically, he doesn't want me touching him or loving on him. Attention is only given to me when he's horny. I've realized this is how it's always been. When I drank and did drugs it was easy to go with the flow. Ultimately, I had no cares, and when I did say no, he still got a yes in the end. It was why I first got upset and started drinking instead of going home to him. I resented him as soon as I realized he saw someone he could take from as he pleased. When I tried to get sober, he would drink in front of me after getting me to another bar. He bought cocaine. I resented him for not wanting better for me, or us. He let our roommates disrespect me, he let them lie about me. They were telling people I shaved their dog. It hurt to know he didn't have my back because he didn't want to lose that shitty fucking place where I was miserable and being mistreated.

Everything was too much. I was so angry. I wanted out. Then all of a sudden, I didn't. I was a drunk. It was my fault. I fucked up. I could do better. I would do better. I could get sober. I would get sober FOR HIM. 

That must have been the ultimate high; knowing every day I didn't choose a drink, that it would be for him. At least, that's how I see it now.

-My Phone-