Solitude vs. Loneliness

I have often found myself alone throughout my 31 1/2 years. So as I sat here sad, disinterested, and unable to remain focused, I asked myself what has changed for my alone time to once be appreciated and now to be feared.

I will be trying to turn this swirling mess around me into a healthy dose of solitude and not the despair of loneliness. It is said that our brains remember bad things over the good. That we as humans will stop being happy over winning the lottery before we ever let a bad grudge go.

I feel alone. I am in a room alone. I am not alone.

For the first time in 3 years, no this isn't just about him now, for the last 16 years I have tried to fill a void with the attention of others. I have fit myself into the square of "friendzoned" aka fuckzoned. I am the girl who believes no man can value my friendship so it must be about something else, right? So here I sit realizing that we don't need that. We need friendship, which I have.

When I left Salt Lake City, I left my circle. I left the people that knew me more than anyone. I left the people that loved me, all of my parts. The longer I stayed away the more lost I became. I no longer had those closest to me and I got so very far from myself. I did bad things to people. I accepted horrible treatment from others. I did illegal things. I was taken advantage of by many men. By the time I tried to stand back up, I didn't even know where the fuck I was or how to get back.

Love was and is my higher power. I can't hear God without being triggered from my time in Mormon Corp. so I had to search deep. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to find anything strong enough to pull me through that first day, then the next week, and so on. I chose love; for him, for my inner child, for my siblings, for my friends. I got sober for love. I am not alone.

I will be working on showing my friends I appreciate them. It cannot feel great to constantly hear me say how alone I am. I will work on making it clear that when I am saying it that I mean "physically alone". I've never been without their love and support. They have gone without mine.

They say we remember the bad more than the good. I rebel against that, starting now.