You learn a lot about men throughout your daily existence as a womxn. Personally, I take most of my lessons from when (to their dismay) I've had no interest in having their existence enter my bubble and when I have had their penis inside of me whether I wanted it or not. However, the greatest lessons come from those that you once had sex with but no longer entertain. How the treatment changes when the chances of getting sucked off dissipate. You're no longer a good buddy, and arguably never were.
During my relationship with Z, I started to wonder if I was perhaps Asexual. That's how blurred my reality had become. I believed it had to be about me and not about how I was being touched or the fact that I'd had maybe a handful of orgasms during our violent and toxic sex life.
As I sit here pissed off and on the brink of yet another attack of tears and fears, I question the sanity in myself and all of the other womxn who continue to have sex with cisgender heterosexual men. I have never been pleased by a man in any way that outshines my own grit and smooth vibrating toy. The world makes us mad. I can't name one reason I'd need a man in my life. I can only repeat back what I've heard since I was a child. Who will open that jar? Who will reach the top shelf? Who will protect you? What about true love?! Twin Flame & Soul Mate! You'll find your missing puzzle piece, one day. I call bullshit. I am a 10,000-piece puzzle all on my own. There are no missing pieces and there never have been. Some assholes have just tried to shake up any progress I've made. I can open my own jars... or not. I have a chair and I can buy a ladder. There are no soul mates and twin flames.
I was born into an abusive home, raised in a cult, and proceeded to be emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abused so many times that I have to remind myself that it's not acceptable and not to be normalized. Men do not protect us. I've seen this in who my peers have chosen to associate with. I've seen it in the men appointed by "God". I've seen it within the eyes of the man pointing a gun at my head. I felt the full weight of this burden, as I held a crying child behind my body while I screamed for help. Too many men walked by that day, a security guard with a taser even ignored my pleas for help. I heard a lot of: "If I had been there, I would have *grumble grumble grumble*". Well, I was there, and I did do something. Proving once again, that men do not protect; men destroy, they claim things then stride around the biggest thing they've tried to grab hold of: Earth. They are so far convinced that they are "The Knight" in armor just waiting for their time to shine. They believe they are nice guys.
I shouldn't have to apologize for harming the ego of a man when I write, "men are trash". That man should maybe just shut the fuck up and figure out what he needs to fix about himself. This isn't our responsibility. Men kill womxn and children. They start wars to prove they've got the biggest balls. We are raped and assaulted, then put in a place where we have to convince everyone that it happened; some of us stay silent because it is far easier to wage a war within our very being than it is to simply talk. Men recover in their careers, as we become smaller.
We become unwilling side-characters in the tales of crazy, spiteful bitches, while they ride in on a tank disguised as a chariot. So I'm digging trenches and covering them with Mother Nature. Their tanks will fall and they will never make it up to my fortress again. I am prepared to get myself off in multiples, buy what I want, watch what I want, wear what I want, and to never again hear someone make fun of my love for music. I will live for myself. No man shall take that from me again and then get away with it. Maybe it's time we do instigate something. May we gather around our cauldrons. Let us unite and set fire to every organization, group, and person that enables and willingly participates in the damage we are hit with every time we leave the house. Oh fuck, the monsters even come into our homes.
I end with this question: "How many men are actually a friend to womxn?" I look around and I can't see a single thing that makes me confident in any cisgender heterosexual man I meet and know. That's on them.
I'm done.
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