Jerry Springer

   My X had many a tale that he loved to tell, over and over and over again. This one in particular was in regard to Jerry Springer and the show that follows behind. He said he'd had an opportunity to go on the show but didn't end up going. I remember thinking this was fucking cool, while almost certainly high on cocaine. Let us pretend for a moment this is a fact and not a spun-web-of-deceit; possibly the experience of someone near him and not himself at all. I no longer think it's "fucking cool". For many reasons, but most prominent being that he could have just gone to a family gathering and had a good show. I could tell when I first met them that they were holding back on being their true forms, but even when they held back that never prevented me from witnessing their racism, misogyny, internalized misogyny, enabling of child abuse, and poor treatment of service industry workers. Throughout those 3 years there were numerous occasions where I'd have to throw some extra money on the table to make up for something he/they had done or said. They knew I did this for a living. I can't lie, it really put me in my place amongst the bunch. I didn't like talking about myself around them; by the end I didn't like talking at all. I dreaded even being around them. I took that dread and placed the blame on myself.

I thought I was crazy. Then one day his sister made the mistake of opening up to me about the one-thing she had no idea would start to turn my gears. She was talking about the person she had started dating. She said she hadn't told their older sister about the relationship yet because she didn't know how she would handle it. I was very understanding because I can only imagine what coming out as yourself can feel like. Then she said she wasn't worried about her partner being a woman, she was worried because her sister would tell her she could do better. It was like a punch to my gut. I need to take a moment to tell you about this person we shall for the sake of anonymity call: Tina. Well Tina is pretty great. She is kind, thoughtful, patient, understanding, and worthy of anything she so wishes. So when his sister said this I just thought: "What in the fuck?" I couldn't shake how uncomfortable it had left me.

They don't see value in kindness and compassion, they see a target. They see value in what can be given to them. They care about what can be seen by others, how much they can take, and what they can get away with.

So yeah, Jerry Springer.... super fucking cool, bro.