Nicotine

At around 4:45 pm I threw away my last vape. Do not smoke. Just don't do it. I had quit. It was but a distant memory. That didn't matter once he put a vape in my hand. Misery loves company. He had me convinced that I had gotten myself hooked again. I'm still blurry on it. I could have sworn I said no over and over until one day he said, "I hate this flavor. You might like it. I don't want it." Then I tried it and BAM: It was tasty, so why not finish it instead of wasting it? I HATE WASTING THINGS. HE KNOWS THIS ABOUT ME. Then the next day and the next he would threaten to throw it away (holding it over the garbage can) to which he would get a reaction. He would then say that I am the one who did it to myself because I wouldn't let him throw it away. Then I was like just one more for the stress. Then he was buying them for me, even when I said I needed to quit again. Now here I am. Fucking pissed off.

He does that. I don't fucking know what it is. He fucking surpasses the answer no. He avoids accountability for any-one-fucking thing in his life. Then he says he's going to take care of this or that and never fucking does. When I looked around this place after I had first told him he needed to leave all I could see were fragments of things started and not finished. Fragments of things he'd never had any plan to complete.

Then I started thinking about how he had the fucking audacity to tell me he had always known we would get back together before that night. Thinking of all of the fucking times I almost left but was then convinced that he was the one leaving me. How I went from being fucking done to begging for him to come back. I just...... don't fucking understand. He admitted to knowing we would always get back together. So what was different about that night. Did he see the light in my eyes again? Did he know I'd met someone else? Did he notice that his touch now repulsed me? Did he notice that I had no love for him any longer? Did he realize that I knew exactly who he is? He must have known the gig was up, and I fucking hate him for it. I was a gig. I was a shrug of his fucking shoulders before he inserted his penis into me for the first time. I was never going to leave him because he knew I was fucking miserable and broken. He picked me out. He had me on layaway. I was a reliable enough source for validation, sex, and attention. For 3 years he sucked from me. For 3 years I let him suck from me. So yeah, I'm fucking angry. I'm a mad woman. I'm something and someone I'm not supposed to be. Haven't you heard? I'm crazy. Only someone crazy could love a fucking Narcissist.

And hey, it's what I'm good at; being fucking nuts.