"It wasn’t the cocaine and alcohol that heightened his appetite for
causing me pain. I told myself that was it until we no longer used those substances.
After that I told myself it was “hot”, that it was kinky. I enjoyed pleasing
him. But then he choked me so hard that my face was a bluish grey, the
blood vessels in my eyes had popped and I had black eyes for a week. You could see where he'd placed his hands around my neck. I covered
myself in layers of make-up and wore sunglasses when I could get away with it.
When I took them off I just hoped nobody would say anything. Nobody did.
After that I remember thinking… what if he had killed me? I shoved it down."
Kathy said he would have eventually killed me. Hearing her say that made me defensive for him. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. Zackary could never kill me. I am the crazy one. I've said crazy shit. I've threatened and yelled. Then she asked if he could have possibly been hurting me more after I had said or done something that bothered him. I asked her if she meant was there a pattern of punishment without me realizing it? She said yes, that was something to think about. So I've been thinking. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the night I got back from the Silent Disco, when I returned to his sister's house. I was happy for the first time in so very long. I went into the kitchen. He followed me. He took his belt off really fast, looped it, and started towards me. I said, "Don't". He paused as if to decide something. Was he deciding whether or not he should listen this time? Did something about me seem stronger that night? Whatever it was that caused him to not follow through with putting his belt around my neck, I am grateful. That could have been the night I bopped him over the head with the nearest kitchen item. Does that make me crazy?
Kathy said he would have eventually killed me.
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