Living For Myself

After ending a nearly 3-year-long relationship living more fully keeps happening. I feel like I've come full circle or maybe I'm restarting but with better people and a better head on my shoulders. I don't know shit from shit. What I can say, is that it feels like I am heading in some sort of correct direction for the first time in my life. All I needed to do was dance like no one was watching and be hugged without malicious/alternate intent behind the embrace. Healthy human touch is something I haven't had enough of in my life. I am devastated for that part of myself, but also so proud of the resilient part that has somehow brought all of me, my pieces and scars, here. I think Kathy (my therapist) may have been right when she said I am strong. I sure as hell haven't felt like it, but if I weren't strong then how would I be jotting this out right now? I should be dead. Not because I am an awful person, but because I have done awful things to my body. Others have done awful things to my body and mind. I don't know if I'm a soul or a ball of energy or a random occurrence, but whatever I am: I'm coming for you world.

Words have power. My voice matters.
I won't hand my will over to another human ever again.

I can't change what has been done to me I can only make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else on my watch. If I see something, I will say something. If that gets me killed, then I hope someone shares my story and brings attention to the fact that women can't stand up for themselves without the fear of being wiped off this planet. People want to take our light and they will take it if we let them.

Today was a good day. A really good day. I didn't smoke weed to get through it because I didn't need to. I drank water. I went on a hike and explored Sacramento with someone I love in a way I can't quite explain. I ate food in a fairly normal manner. I went to karaoke by myself. I asked to sit next to 2 friendly looking faces only to find out they left Mormon Corp. 5 years ago. I was invited to a birthday party next month. We exchanged numbers! They didn't pressure me to drink once. They even bought me a soda water.

Today is a reminder that I can fight for good in my life. I do not have to sit in the muck that I have repeatedly been thrown in. I get to stand back up and walk out. More than once if I must.