Tory Talbot Hall (trigger warning)

I think Tory took more than my trust the night he did what he did to me. He made me both feel and not feel. I guess that's what trauma is. Sometimes you feel too much, and sometimes you feel nothing at all. Nobody really thinks their friend will try to rape them. I mean, women know it's a possibility, but I feel like we tell ourselves there is no way that particular friend will make you a statistic. I can't even remember how I ended up in his room. I don't know how long I lay there. Was it before or after everyone left? Two different stories that I can't possibly know. I can only hope that nobody there that night saw him walk me, drag me, or carry me to his room. That would make them complicit. So I hope every day that he was not allowed to take me up there, and undo my pants, and start trying to finger me while he touched himself and breathed like a fucking swamp monster. That's what I do remember. My eyes trying to open while I heard him breathing. I didn't even know anything else was happening. My body wouldn't catch up to my brain. How long did he fantasize about that moment? It must have driven him crazy that no matter how drunk I was I would not accept his advances. It must have pissed him off that I wouldn't be his. Afterall, he was man, and I obviously couldn't make that decision myself as a woman. I just didn't know how good he was. "Nice Guys Finish Last" and all of that jazz, ammiright? I guess what really confuses me is how he had the audacity to cry as if he was the victim. As I stumbled to my car by only the grace of an inner strength I have never felt since. As he knew he'd fucked up because I woke up. As he decided it an appropriate time to spill his alligator tears and act like my safety mattered to him. I would have rather crashed my car and burned to death than ever be near him again.

But now I am moving back to Utah, and although I hate the idea of being near him again, I also understand that he needs to know he will never get away with what he did to me. ACAB of course, but in this case, I think I will be making a report. Nothing will come from it for me. He however will have his name in the system. Tory Talbot Hall, how many women have you sexually assaulted and raped? How many before me, and how many after? How many women did I not protect by remaining silent? Their safety automatically on my shoulders, another burden to bear. So much weight gifted to me by such a small, pathetic, weak coward. I can't carry the guilt anymore. That guilt doesn't belong to me.