October 13th, 2022; what was supposed to be three years without alcohol and my drug of choice. To understand today, I need to understand what led up to October 12th, 2019.
So I'm starting with him. Before him, sure I had dealt with boys wanting to have sex with me. My second "boyfriend" cheated on me because he knew I wasn't ready to have sex. So did my third "boyfriend". Nick though, he was my first relationship. He discovered me when I was 15, quite close to being aged like a rotting egg. He saw me before I ever saw him. It was before my sophomore year had even started. Me and my best friend at the time had shown up to find our lockers and get our schedules. We were so excited and definitely goofing off. I remember us laughing. That's what caught his attention. The senior boy across the lawn was drawn to my innocence and my fun. So he waited.
In my first few weeks of school, he'd stand outside the band room. The same place where he first saw me. He'd watch me. I noticed this but didn't think much of it. I was busy with my friends. I was enjoying what little time I had with them before I'd be required to arrive home. I was free, but it never could last. My "dad" kept track of when I got home from school.
The day he first came over he ignored me and talked to my best friend. He later told me he was trying to make me jealous. It didn't work. So jokes on him, he had to work harder. He used MySpace to do just that. We began to send messages back and forth. It was his playground. His personal obsession (whom we shall call Nicole) became my obsession. He constantly told me why I could never be her. She was also younger than me. This went on for all of my sophomore year and into my junior year. The back and forth. He liked me, but I was his fourth choice in his ranking system. Yet, I stuck around waiting for his breadcrumbs. I can't explain to you what that poor part of myself was allowing or why. It doesn't make sense to me even now. He'd never date me, just absorbed my affection. So I started talking to other boys, and he didn't like it. When "my virginity" was coerced from me in the back of another older boy's car, he decided to make sure I knew that I was a slut and not pure enough for him. He would send me this dude's picture randomly via Instant Messenger. He knew I was having a hard time processing what had happened to me. He didn't care about that. He only cared that it wasn't him. He resented me for something that I never wanted in the first place.
He went away to college, failed out, moved back to Utah County, and then all of a sudden: he wanted to date me. I was finally chosen. And I had to make up for the fact that I was "not a virgin". Him dating me was a gift and it was made very clear that he was better than me. I believed him.
I believed him for a very, very long time. Years after, I would still think: If I could have just been enough. If I could have just figured out how to be better.
That’s all for tonight… fuck.
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