from the attic

I watch them from the window
Dark figures never know how to properly end
Always leave a signature as they depart
Caution to the wind

His shadows were invited
Up to the view
Permission to strike up pleasure
An ever-present nonchalant attitude

I gave him my safe place
He wanted to own the whole cafe
I gave him my heart
He wanted to toy with my brain

He's a dirty dime in a plastic bucket
A wavering no pump chump, with nice hair
I count the change out
My copper renaissance love affair

Ask myself to breathe in then out
Beg myself to move
I stand amongst my fellows in a musty basement room
Admit my weaknesses and pain

Shoulder the shame I was given at three
Growl out the anger from when I was first seen
Tear apart my rib cage in the name of eve
He and they cannot have me

**NEED TO EDIT** 

to remember

He talked of putting down the bottle, whiskey near his arm
I believed in him then
Around the cafe; a cloud of smoke to the side of his charm
He wore that same hoodie
One syllable behind my closed mind
An open mirror to welcome the sound
He could never avoid the need for long


(TWO SEPARATE OR MAKE MORE COHESIVE?)

An evening to meet his friends
Then some backlash to his backout
Under a neon moon, a charismatic force felt smackdown
The same night I'd see him switch out
Had to jumpstart his car
His reflection left town
Reconciliation isn't one with the crowd

I tried to exit through the alley, shadows to my side
His whispered promises clasped my mind
I thought we'd be just fine
Afterall, he had said I was alright
We were a December to remember
...... (NEEDS MORE HERE)
He is a year I can only hope to forget

**NEED TO ADD/EDIT**

Emotional Irrationality

What is the truth?
There are no rules for thee
Those all seem to belong here, with me
Now holding heavy resentment for the word clarity
Late night musings bring up something, but I won't retreat

I muster laughter
at the expense of irony
Take it back
Take it back
Take me back to before that passenger seat

Do you know where I've been?
Did you listen at all to our shared dreams?
Eliciting a response from a barstool
Featuring the written words of a melodramatic dead-fool
I'm not the beast you've driven me to see

I've never been one to go down on my knees
Gifted me quiet desperation, not defeat
Do you know what I've found?
Did you see who we could be?
Everything's now familiar terrain 

There are ones who impact everyone they meet
A heavy burden and responsibility
Without heart and soul
Plausible deniability
Even while sitting in the driver's seat

Do you fear what I see?
Can you taste what I breathe?
There are those who choose
to avoid accountability
They break through doors and smash our walls
Leave us a mess, rinse and repeat

**NEED TO EDIT**

Hole in The Ground

I watch your name slide
further and further down
I keep my promise
I won't make a sound
I build conversations that will never be read
Like I miss you even now
Even now that I know my true pal
Or why your world blurs
Why words are used to burn
You steer that deranged ship
I beat in the sense of it,
with each and every rip
We were never meant to fit

You're a wild card with a hot rod
I am a body in someone else's bed
I build conversations that will never be said
I thought I'd never spill
Our secret love affair
I'd see things from your point-of-view
Anonymity
Respectfully
You're a lost guy, simple nod, a quiet fret
So go find your solace
Time in a church well spent
Build conversations, while spoon fed
You're in hindsight, no longer a threat

Two worlds collided
Needed a drink,
just to pretend you can think
I am who I need
and what I strive to be
I build conversations to reconnect
Can't pretend to know
Why through a tragic rage
This cycle always finds me
Terror of proximity
To come upon another blank page
Admission for one
No entrance fee

You sipped your tea until I walked down the street
A liquid substitute for who you pretended you could be

**NEED TO EDIT**

Exhaustive Time Out

I have been struggling with who I am and the things I have done to others. I can say, "Well, it was the alcohol and the drugs."

That would be a lie, and it is uncomfortable to sit with the realization that it is who I am capable of being sober or not. I am me and I am bits and pieces of those who have harmed me. I've gathered my own toxicity along the way.

When I was a little girl, I would put myself in time out when I felt I had done something wrong. I'd be way ahead of the adults in my life, maybe as means of survival or avoidance of the wrath that would surely rain down on me. I'd head to my time out chair, my bedroom, or the closet. I'd punish myself.

Is that what I'm doing now? Have I put myself in time out for being with monsters and being a monster myself? When can I come out?

Most days I don't want to return to society, but then I have these moments of heavy loneliness. My therapist has been trying to teach me about intuition and trusting myself, while also stating that I have a negative outlook on others. Who is left to trust when those who were supposed to protect you instead harmed you? Where can I turn when those I have loved and been completely devoted to, have manipulated that love and devotion?

That struggle has entered into my recovery. There is a correlation between substance abuse and Narcissism/Sociopathic tendencies. There are manipulators, users, and predators in the room. They've replaced alcohol and drugs with people. They appreciate the hierarchy (which we are gaslit about the existence of). They find a usefulness in a system put in place by white men for white men. It is in the language of everything we are supposed to read and devote ourselves too. For obvious reasons, I withhold that devotion. I've been there before, many times.

I wish there were a different way to find healing within recovery. A way that doesn't involve placing myself back in the very cage that causes harm.

As I come closer to reaching one year without alcohol, I can honestly say coming back from my relapse has been hard the entire way. I wish I had never picked up that drink in June of 2022. This time around I am unwinding myself from programming that began the moment I took my first cry in this world. It has involved a lot of pain, anger, frustration, and sitting in the discomfort -no matter what-.

So yes, I suppose I am in a self-enforced time out, because not only do I not trust others, but I also do not trust myself.

Get Out of Me

I signed the invisible contract of his
In small writing it read that my hair was too wild.
He hated it frizzy.
Flannels were meant for donation and not for wearing.
I wasn't in the world to make friends.
I wasn't funny anyway.
My laugh must be quiet or not at all.
I give people headaches.
My taste in music must not be shared.
I sing the same 5 songs, oh come what may?
My writing wasn't real so that must be halted immediately.
I swallowed my words until they exploded within me.
I was to be grateful he chose me.
I couldn't show I questioned him choosing me.
I wasn't like the other ones.
Was I pretty enough, or just enough mystery?
I would look forward to saying yes.
No must mean yes.
My voice became silence with no remedy.
I must give up my happy thoughts;
Turn them all into a future enemy.
I can't feel energy.
I can't move freely.
Repeat the cycle unquestioningly,
Tell my therapist it is me who is not thinking clearly.
Choking meant love,
bruising meant joking and loyalty.
I could be part of the family, but not be the family.
I was an odd duck in a room full of heavy dishonesty.
The monster was allowed to devour me.
I must say thank you and sit on the couch.
Accepting my crazy identity.

Tory Talbot Hall

We were sitting outside of your mom's back door drinking beer. You had somehow convinced me that you'd finally accepted we would "just be friends" so I came over to hang out. It had been a bit since I had pulled away. I remember laughing and joking, and me asking you where your other friends were. You had said you'd be having some friends over, yet I was still the only one there.

You texted some people and they started showing up not very long after. Were they ever actually coming? When did they leave? How did you get me into your room? A room you normally shared with your little brother.

I'm still confused about what I drank and how I ended up so completely lost on time and location of my body. Was it the beer? How many did I have? I don't remember having that many. Did you convince me to take a shot? Or was that another night? How did you get me into your room? Your little brother was at your dad's house that night.

How long did it take for you to undo my pants and start touching me? Was it before or after you began touching yourself? How long had you been touching me before I woke up? Did you expect that? Did you think I'd find the strength to stand then stumble my way down your hall?

The note on my car, when I was home. The roses on my car, when I was at work. Did you watch me? Plotting until you could make me yours.

Why were you so worried about me waking your mom up? Would she have been so easily able to explain this away if she had seen me? Does she still explain you away?

You tried to cry. Were you aiming to confuse me further? Making me think you cared about me, and that I had it all wrong? You were the victim after all; things with me were different and you just wished I could see that. Why can't the girls you love ever see that? Those things you would say about her too. Did you rape her? How many times have you done this since?

The Pelican

every note we scream his name
each times it's differently
a spoken spell of who he'd be
a quarter turn from who we'd see

a character with multiple parts
a tourist through his own self rot
taxi, it's time again
to leave his mess for us to tend

call my friend
call my friend
call my friend again

this time I'm too far gone
I've seen his stance, I've felt her charm
heard him coming home too late
certain then, he found the take

a character with stolen fate
a tourist through his own self hate
taxi, it's time again
to leave his mess for us to mend

he'll wear her clothes and steal her twirl

she'll call a friend
tell the world
we'll scream out
fear has no hold

we see their stance
feel their rot
face these men,
the broken tots

call us then
call us then
always as it should have been
we are friends
shake them out
we're ours again

WORK IN PROGRESS

Da Hui

    He came into the bar on the day I was covering a bartending shift. Normally he was loud and abrasive; he'd chug shots and do blow in the back bathroom. That day though, he was different. He was sad.

He had a book with him (a book I also owned) and he just wanted an adult hot chocolate with whip cream; lots of whip cream. I felt badly for him. That was the day things really started to change. The disgust and annoyance I had for him turned into empathy and friendship. I thought back to how he had told me about his childhood. He said his dad had hit him in the face with a hammer and his teeth never looked the same. We were drunk. I felt awful; and that was the point in which my hate for him had turned into that very disgust and annoyance which was dissipating. He picked me. Then he worked on me. He is a Sociopath.

Some of us he chose for sex and drugs. Others for a roof over his head. He loved to be seen with hot girls, so status was a known go-to. Then there were those of us that he chose because of who we represented to him. The drugs, alcohol, and attraction were there too, but he sucked our life-force from us. Of those womxn some of us were told he would kill us. Some were drugged and boozed up beyond cognition.  Some of us almost died. All of us were assaulted.

It took me until far too recently to be able to say, "He raped me." I fell in love with a monster. That's the healing that I can't get through.

I can work through the choking, the twisting of my arms behind my back, the fear of being stabbed; what I can't work through is how in the fuck I went from hating this person to losing my consent, my health, my sanity, and my self-worth. How did I fall in love with this man?

I got off work that day, and I started to sit with him more and more. He told me he was pretty sure his girlfriend was cheating on him. He loved her so much and he just wanted her to be happy. This always happened to him. He was always cheated on. And I started to trust her less and less.

Another thing I can't seem to move on from. She had tried to warn me, but I didn't understand how good he was at lying. I didn't think I would ever date him. I was dumb before I ever loved him.

I'm sure my therapist wouldn't like me writing that, but it's the only thing I can think.

I'm a fucking idiot. It's the thought that always comes back no matter how much time passes. Especially when I'm bombarded with memories, and I see them as they really were and not how he wanted them to be seen.

I Write

Too much coffee

Too much weed

Whatever can keep me from thinking of you

Coming to the end of the sugar from our home

Nights and days, they're all the same

No longer on that bench,

just another couch

Someone pushed my shoulders up the other night

Asked me what I was reaching for

So I'm going to write something

something about you

maybe one day it will be a song

my stage and lights up bright

for you

thank you

thank you

thank you

allowed to be free is now my choice to see

all of that anarchy

gave me glory

love got me sober enough

gave me a story

got me back, to here and there

back to you again

I rip up the pictures, walk to the next home

thank you

thank you

thank you

allowed to be free is now my choice to see

you never would have loved her

you never loved me

free, free, free

love got me sober

never about you

it was me

thank you

thank you

thank you

no need for your permission

now my choice to see

that I was always free