I started saving up money before I even knew I was leaving Z. We had talked of a future that included SLC but he talked about a lot of futures. I saved and saved. Every time a package arrived with his name blazed across, or he came up with some new, big idea or purchase that he needed, I just saved a little more. So when my therapist asked if I had any money saved up, although alarming, my answer was quick. I had money. I didn't have much anything else, but that I did have. She told me going No-Contact would be the best route and that it would be when I was ready not when everyone else told me so.
Then I sold my home. I sold my car. Those things should have been "ours", but he couldn't drive and everything adorning that 5th Wheel which made it a home had come from me. Once I packed up his shit, it was my home. I miss that 5th Wheel every fucking day. I used to think I hated it, but what I hated resided inside. So deeply engrained into my being that I couldn't see or think straight. I didn't hate the 5th Wheel, I despised him. To say my dedication to that incubus was twisted within his toxic grip would be the understatement of the century.
Love isn't harmful, and he loved to harm.
I remember asking myself and jotting down "If you don't like this person right here, right now? Why are you dating them?" I didn't get out for another year.
I went on to give my attention to someone that didn't believe I would, nor could leave Z. That didn't stop him from trying to gain me as another follower. Then someone who left a chewed-up piece of gum on my comforter. Then a guy who truly thinks he is better than me because he has more. Through those lessons I discovered something about myself. I haven't loved me enough. Maybe I did when I was a little girl, I can't be sure. What I can tell you is that my inner child is currently wrecked. I haven't had a moment to come up for air. I need a home.
One of the quietest places I have found was a little AA circle built amongst a gym for those in recovery. It's the first Agnostic AA Meeting I've found since leaving Portland. They had these pebbles where you could write a message, then exchange it for a message someone else had left. I found this little gem:
I am womxn; hear my roar.
I am enough. You are enough.
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