forgive Him bishop, for She has sinned

    I broke his toothbrush on the same day that I first uttered the words, "Fuck You." The target was my mother. I don't know if this was before or after he'd looked at my body. I know it was in the same house in that same time period. I was getting angrier and angrier. Everyone made sure to let me know how disappointing that was. I'd hear, "where's that sweet little girl we used to know"? I think they should have asked that question while staring in their fucking mirrors.

I used to be well-behaved, sweet, quiet, and a good care-taker of my siblings. What they said I'd become was angry, bitter at such a young age, rebellious, and troubled. I realized at around 11-12 years young that I did not agree with what I was being taught at Mormon Corp. I tried to understand. I wanted to understand. They had no answers. I was ordered to pray and do what the big boys wanted.

I grew up with a very unhealthy outlook on my body. I was told to cover it, and frankly I had very little reason to stray from that order. I believed I was ugly. I wished daily that I could get in a car accident so that my face could be fixed. Beauty standards are twisted already, but then top it with Cult-Frosting and you've got yourself a Mental Health Crisis.

Imagine the confusion of hating your body while finding out your father wants to see and control that body. I was his daughter and his property. He knew he could do whatever he wanted to do, and he'd face no repercussions. He was right. He told Bishop Denboer. He was told to repent. Bishop Denboer never even talked to me.

To this day I can't tell you what repentance is. In my mind it's a right to abuse womxn and children and then have it covered up by a higher up. So all of this confusion with complete and utter turmoil started to come out in anger. I broke that fucking bamboo toothbrush. I would do it again. Once I'd heard myself say "fuck" I rolled it around in my soul. It felt good to take my voice and scream vulgarity. It wasn't allowed. I did it anyway. What were they going to do? Cut out my tongue? Cut off my middle finger? They would have if they could have. There are versions of Handmaid's Tale already occurring. They have been there all along. Just ask all of the womxn who don't look like Utah's warped reality of beings.

I am well-behaved in the name of ethics and common sense. I can be quiet and sweet. I can also be loud and inquisitive. I am great at taking care of kids. I just don't fucking want to do it. I love that I can say I got here without healthy love. I feel like shit right now, but I must be fucking strong to have not yet put a bullet through my brain.

Fuck The Patriarchy.

-D