Mother's Day

    Today I find myself sitting outside, just a few blocks from where I temporarily reside. It is Mother's Day. I have The Salt Lake Tribune strewn by my side with "Is access to abortion in Utah about to end" in bold, my anxiety is screaming within me. My food doesn't seem as appetizing now that it sits in front of me. Online I am reading that it is the fault of all of those who didn't vote for Hilary Clinton. I am reading that this isn't a big deal, and everyone is blowing this out of proportion. There are wives who suddenly have discovered the man they've been married to for 15+ years isn't quite as great as they once thought. 

If you find yourself sitting across the table from a man, ask him what his thoughts are on abortion. There isn't a "too soon" only a too late. Having just wasted 3 years of my life with someone who refused to ever get a vasectomy because it was a surgery, and it would hurt yet said if "it" mattered that much then I should just get my tubes tied; I must plead with anyone reading this: do not be me.

He and I both knew early on that we did not want children. Through the ups and downs of birth control, the pain experienced after intercourse, the worry that my IUD had moved through my insides and that I was exploding; I finally pleaded with him to please get a vasectomy. He refused. Let me repeat myself: he did not want children. He also did not know how many women he had impregnated previous to our relationship. When he brought up that there could be a chance we (he) would be contacted anytime down the road for child support I nearly lost my shit. Still he refused to get a vasectomy. He hated using condoms. I can't make sense of it even now.

I've had an abortion. Some may see that as wrong, selfish, or murder. Today is Mother's Day and I sit alone. My mom is somewhere in Utah County. For me personally, I knew I wouldn't be able to give a real, actual living being what that being would deserve. So before the thing inside of me became a life I put a stop to proceeding. My mother gave birth to 4 children, with an abusive man dictating our whole existence. There are days where I resent her for bringing me into this world. Who has the right to tell me and any womxn that our purpose is to be a mom. What does that even mean? I look around me and I see shit parents everywhere.

My abortion is not a dirty secret. It is a success. I did the right thing. So no, we aren't blowing anything out of proportion. My choice over my body shouldn't be something voted on, especially by men. My body and the healthcare needed is a right. Hilary Clinton is owned by men. This isn't about voting for a Democrat over a Republican; they are essentially the same force.

Fuck that shit. Fuck this shit.