Hold Your Head Up.

10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self:

1. You are not ugly.
2. You deserve good friends; find some.
3. Don't be afraid to speak up for what is right.
4. Falling for the seemingly nice guy shouldn't happen so easily, let it take time.
5. Do your f*cking homework.
6. Spend more time with your siblings.
7. Hug your mom.
8. Don't feel bad if you want to spend a day in bed reading.
9. You don't need that ice cream, eat some veggies.
10. You are a good person, don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

Obligation; No more

There is a girl I work with. And her parents love her very, very much. The relationship they share makes my heart ache. I've never had that with my own parents. There has always been this word in the air, my parents never tried to hide it much, "obligation". That's what we were to my parents. The children they had made. The children that should have been made out of love, alas, were not.

As I watch from afar, the life of families that pass me by, I realize that I never would have found a sense of happiness with those that share my blood.

I also realize that The Szugyes give me more of what I have ever wanted from parents. They hug me, and let me cry, then hand me a glass of wine and tell me jokes. They let me talk. They let me believe. They let me learn, search, and most importantly: fly through this world as if it's my own adventure, my own story to write.

My blood gave away the title of "Mom and Dad". And in turn gave me one of the greatest opportunities I've ever been handed.

Breathe in, breathe out.
The world has so much more to offer than we could ever think possible.

Heartwrenchingly Honest:

http://marynshope.blogspot.com/


I just discovered this mother's story of her little girl's journey, and it has broken my heart.

I've been so scared of becoming a mother and failing my children, but what happens when "God", "The Universe", or Science fails you both?

I just want to hug this woman and tell her she did everything right.

Artificial Nocturne.

Pursuit of Happiness

Nightmares.

Pretty much, on the daily, I've been plagued by nightmares. I wake up either in panic or wanting to cry. But these nightmares are not like the nightmares many others experience. These nightmares are filled with different versions of real-life experiences I've had with "my family". Those people are always causing so much contention but there is never resolve. And that my friends is just plain sad.

Why is it that they believe me to be "the bad child", the "angry child", the "selfish child"? Yet no one else seems to see me that way. And when I'm not with them, I'm the better version of myself.

I've realized I have no interest in ever seeing anyone of them again.

And that my people, is in a way, a huge weight off my shoulders.

I am only moving forward.

...another realization, it is only when I have really been seeking the love of a father that I've made horrible decisions. Since letting that -badness- go, I've been making much better decisions. What does that say about not only me, but any girl like me?

We live in a really sad world, and if I ever become a mother, I'll do it as close to right as possible. WITH THE RIGHT MAN, that is ready to be a real father, and I'll be a real mother.

Love: one of the most important things in this world. Yet we don't see enough of it.

College, Parents, Crapload of Suckfest...

As of 10 minutes ago I am officially unregistered for college. I put that I would be returning in the fall of 2013, but let us get real people. My life never works out that smoothly. I cannot even find a job. I have no criminal past, I am a hard worker, and I have had a variety of jobs. But I am not finding a job.

My phone bill was due on the 13th.

I still have $125 left to pay off on my credit card.

And I honestly cannot sale anymore of my clothes. My closet size was already cut in half. HALF.

I've been telling myself that it's okay because worldly items don't matter in the end. I mean, what is better:

A backpack of things that you really depend on?
Or a closet of shit you never wear?

But really, my parents left me to rot. They don't care if I have to sale my possessions or sign up and become a test puppet for the flu vaccine.

If I become a zombie...

Things that make me smile...

 

My cat helping himself to some strawberries.

Wide Awake.

This is literally my life via music video.

Movie with Mom.

Any people that want to go around and keep saying things like: "Who brings their 6 year old to a movie at midnight?!" need to actually go eat a bar of soap.

I know that if my mom had taken me to a movie when I was 6 years old, and it was just us girls, together, laughing...
I just know it would have been a good thing for my mom to have done.

She was a mom who spent her weekend with her child, and lately I've noticed young moms don't seem to do that as often as they should.

I imagine she is a lovely lady, and her loss hurts me.

Parents should never outlive their children.

I hope the monster who took her away from her mommy gets what is coming to him.

A Violation

A great article to describe the extent of this betrayal: READ

A piece of that article...


"...And whatever identity you enter with into the dark, welcome coolness of the movie theater disappears; you simply become a member of the audience. This is why we go to the movies. For that anonymity and that safety. It's the one place parents of teenagers everywhere let go of the worry for at least a few hours because you know where they are and nothing bad will happen. And that's why this horrific assault on the people gathered in Theater #9 in the Century 16 complex in Aurora, Colorado is so painful and a violation of epic proportions.

We sink into those spongy, salty seats with sticky floors to get away, turn off and tune in. Our guards down, we thrill to the chases, the explosions, the punches and narrow escapes, the love, the lust, the morality plays and the lessons learned, the good guys always win and the bad guys get it in the end. The guns and the blood aren't real but we pretend with all our hearts it is. That's the fun and the guilelessness of sitting there in the dark -- give me all you got, I trust you, I'm yours.

That's why we agonize over the long moments when these true innocents -- moviegoers for god's sake -- realized something terrible was really happening."


Words I couldn't express until now.

Cold

I've just had one of the most disgusting conversations of my life.

People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because no one tried to fight back.
People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because they didn't protect their loved ones.
People accusing US, victims of gun violence, of being cowards for not fighting back when a gun was in our face.

How dare anyone speak or write of these things.

I am shaking in fury.

Anyone that believes this should try having a loaded gun pointed right at them.
And to make matters worse, this loaded gun will be firing rounds.

Get real people.

These victims did all they could in the situation that was presented upon them.

I feel like I should weep for how cold many in this country have grown to be.

Tragedy

Tragedy is something to be thought of silently, not exploded upon the world like a movie.

What disgusts me almost as much as the monsters that go out and shoot humans that are just living their lives, is the people that talk about it afterwards like it's some "exciting, hot story".

I makes me want to stick my face in a pillow and scream, all to avoid gagging.

You're giving this monster what he wants. You've made it a popularity contest.

This country is sickening. It is breeding monsters and little monsters.

A good night was ruined for so many people, it cannot be looked back on with smiles and cheers. The ticket stub is like a hot coal in your hand instead of a piece of happiness.

Monsters, so many of you.

Aurora, Colorado

My heart aches so deeply right now.
I cannot fully imagine what anyone is going through.
The idea that these monsters live among us, day to day,

it's sickening.

I can't stop my mind from going a million miles per hour, and I just want to kill the coward who did this. But that wouldn't be solving much of anything, it would only further carry on the violence that this country seems to so easily accept.

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people."

yeah, yeah, yeah, and

"Toasters don't toast bread. People toast bread."

This world is depressing.

Figure Me Out.

My nightmares consist of realistic moments that have or could have happened in my life.
When people read about the dream/nightmare I am about to share they are going to wonder how that is considered a nightmare. But all in all, I guess it shows that the majority of my life with my "family" was indeed a nightmare for me. 

...

I am at the mall with my siblings and mom. We are going school shopping. I really need no-show socks, and that's all I really went in knowing I needed. I find no-show socks with all the colors I love. And I'm like, "Mom! I found some" and I am about to grab them to be purchased when my mom is like, "No, you don't need those. We're on a budget." I begin to argue that while yes, we could very well be on a budget how are no-show socks going to ruin that budget?! She makes excuses, my siblings are like come on, whining and arguing as usual. I end up getting extremely pissed and frustrated, so I walk away from my family, I need to cool off.

I'm walking around, doing my thing, breathing in and out.

I run into them again. And Kaitlyn has a BUNCH of bags of purchased merchandise. So I'm like, okay, and I couldn't get no-show socks?! Then Keith is like, "Yeah, and she got a vest too." This makes me see red. I don't "need" no-show socks, but she needs a vest?!

All of a sudden we're at a food court and I'm throwing all of their food in the garbage can while screaming about how much they have ruined my life, about how sad I am, and how I wish that they could just get how fucked up they are.

...

I'm wondering why I even woke up.
I feel like shit, sort of wanna cry.
And I just want my mom to buy me no-show socks without arguing about it like always.

I think I'm close to going into that mode my therapist told me about. After a traumatic experience the mind feels as though it is healing, and then BAM something bad will happen and you will break.

I haven't seen my therapist in weeks.

And obviously the problem is bigger than no-show socks.

A Stain On The Carpet.

My Victim Impact Statement:

The judge asked me to state my full name to the court...

I then proceeded to read the following:

On April 4th my world changed. I was working at my job in Springville when he walked in with a gun. At first I thought it was some sick joke, I mean who robs a tanning salon? It became very clear it wasn't a joke when he put the gun in my face. My immediate thoughts were: beg for mercy and maybe even cry, but I realized it was up to me to protect the customers. When I had given him the money from the register he should have been on his way. But no, in his sick, twisted mind it wasn't good enough. He demanded that I get the money out of the safe. I explained that I had no way to open the safe. He quickly became very angry and aimed the gun at my head. I thought he was going to kill me. I begged him to please believe me and to look at the safe. When a person believes they are staring death in the eyes so many things change.

Healing from something like this has been hard. The dark scares me. I must have all of my blinds closed at night. I randomly go into panic when places get too loud or crowded. Falling asleep is a chore. And trusting that I can walk by a stranger without meeting harm no longer exists for me. He took away my peace.

And the worst part is, he seemed to be gaining pleasure from the whole thing. I will never forget his eyes. They told me everything about him. He's a selfish, coward that needs to hide behind a gun. A boy who likes to refer to women as "bitches". A boy who wreaks havoc. I hope he is put away for a very long time, so he cannot do this to anyone else.

I was just a girl working at a job that paid minimum wage. I was trying to pay for MY own life. A life I will never fully have back. And all of this for just $230.

When A Daddy Loves His Baby; When A Baby Loves Her Daddy

"Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain." -John Locke

Alejandro Guadelupe Alcantar,

I hope you enjoy your 10-12 years in prison. (Harshest Sentence)

I gave my Victim Impact Statement. I was the only person to stand up and face him. Without his gun, he was nothing to me. I called him out, and it felt good. I may type up my statement at some point, to give y'all the full effect.

Although his girlfriend gave me a look of death while he eyed me like he would lunge and strangle the life right out of me, it was a good day.

Oh, and I will be there when he tries to come up for parole.

Hugs & Kisses.

Somewhere In Massachusetts...

Going to Court

I'm not doing too well right now. And to top it off my court appearance as a "victim" is on Monday. If I think about it too much I start having extreme anxiety attacks. I am about to meet my monster face-to-face. And I will not have my family there with me. I'm out of clonazepam. And to everyone else the robbery is long over. But with this happening I just feel beat.


I sort of wish he had shot me in the head.

Fathers...

“The kind of man who thinks that helping with the dishes is beneath him will also think that helping with the baby is beneath him, and then he certainly is not going to be a very successful father.”


-Eleanor Roosevelt

Dos Equis XX

I don't always carry on,
but when I do,
I keep calm.

And get drunk.

Always remember,

For a while now I've found myself believing that without family you have nothing, this however is NOT true.



"Friends are the family you choose for yourself."

. . .

"Children begin by loving their parents;

 as they grow older they judge them,
sometimes they forgive them. -Oscar Wilde

White Blank Page...

I Miss You...

Camille...

And also my cat, Brewster Baby.

No Improvements.

As scattered as my thoughts are it is so very clear to me that I need to leave. For a week, two weeks, a month. I just need to go. I yearn for the ocean and sunshine. I yearn for understanding. Of myself, and life. But life as it is, keeps me rooted in the very place that sucks away my light. Jobs and my parents. It makes me angry that I can't make a choice to leave because of anchors. Holding me down from flying free. My self discovery shall never happen if I cannot be light as a feather. Right now, my anchors are my enemies.

I wish I was brave enough to just go. And say fuck these jobs that I hate anyway. And parents that will get over it in the long run. I am starting college in the fall, and after that I will never have the chance to be free. Why can't my parents just understand.

I need to go before I lose it. That robber took from me, but he also gave me something. The realization that I have not done enough to die happy.

The truth is,

You don't just have to fear monsters under the bed and in your closet anymore.

Today, I'm Not Recovering.

My anxiety is VERY bad right now. I think the empty house is getting to me.
I can only take care of the chickens, cats, and dogs for so long.

Which is what led me to run a little over a mile. That is my only improvement/good thing I've done today.

1. Ran about a mile.

There is so much I want to express right now, but I was told to write of good things. I'm breaking the rule today.

It seems as though people think it possible to replace certain memories with new ones, but a new face is added. It's like taking a picture and cutting out the face, then putting in a new face. And Viola! The old memory never happened. That's not right. It's not. It just isn't.

I want to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love. Is that too much to ask for? And it's not like I'm on the prowl for anything that walks. No, I've just been waiting. But it's not happening. My serendipity isn't approaching. It's almost as if I had that one chance, but that one chance meant so much more to me than him. And now I'm royally fucked.

Everyone keeps saying all of these things. Things to help me, or things that they believe will help me. But I just want things to be quiet for once. I want my brain to shut up as well. He didn't shoot me. That's what I know. And I shouldn't be like, "what if this" and "what if that".

I just want a vacation. Today is awful. It's like I can't avoid these moments. And they eat me alive. And now they are bringing back past heartwrenching traumas to help eat me alive.

I want to destroy that boy who did this to me. I want him to know that he is evil, and I hate him. I was just a girl doing her job, expecting to head home in few hours, maybe grab some grub, or a coffee. I had really, REALLY wanted a coffee that day. I remember that. What if I had never enjoyed another coffee? Now, I want a coffee now. But I don't want to drive. It's pathetic, but I haven't driven since April 4th. And I don't want to do it alone. My brain won't stop buzzing. And my heart won't stop hurting.

I am taking a clonazepam. Maybe I'm taking two.

Vegan Soup For The Soul

It's after 1 in the morning and a friend brings me soup.

Can you say splendiferous?

I feel like crying; happily crying.

Somehow I have gone through so much sh*t and ended up with this small support system that beats any other system.

I feel horrible for not seeing it sooner. I have often wondered if anyone would notice if I were gone... aka... dead.

And I now truly feel that I would be missed. Maybe not by 100 people. But 10 is enough for me.

You know those Chicken Soup books that used to be all the rage? Yeah,

soup really does help heal the soul.

New Tattoo.. and My Improvements...

I went and got some ink. My original plans were something else all together and I had my appointment set up in advance. But after this near death experience I came up with a whole new design. (The other design shall be completed at another time.)

The swirl represents "crazy life, or crazy things that may be thrown at you" the swirl then goes into a sort of tree "which represent life, notice the one leaf growing off of it" then there is the sparrow. Yes I know, everyone and their dog gets a sparrow. But I looked up the meaning and it goes as follows: "The sparrow is ever vigilant in her goals. She is a reminder that idle hands and idle minds should be avoided in order to live a full, healthy life. The sparrow speaks of higher thoughts and ideals. She beckons us to keep our burdens as light as we can in order to avoid a heavy heart."

Yup, so that tattoo pretty much sums up everything that entered my thoughts as death was at my door aka head.

My Improvements For Today And Yesterday:

1. I got out of sweat pants.

2. I went out to eat at a VERY crowded restaurant with my mother's friend and her husband. (thank you by the way, it meant a lot.)

3. Obviously, I went to a tattoo shop... in the city known as SLC. This did mean I had to take half a Clonazepam.

4. My biggest achievement and the one I will forever be most proud of: I went back to my salon. I sat in a chair in the lobby and just sort of got the feel of things. This led to me needing to take a whole Clonazepam.

More updates to come...

My Improvements For Today...

My Victims Advocate suggested that since I enjoy writing I could write of my improvements on any given day.

Today I:

1: slept without a pill
2: showered
3: went out in my backyard for over an hour and played with our baby chicks.

Today I believe I have smiled and laughed more. But I can't be sure. I do know I haven't had any major anxiety attacks.

Although I'd like to go into details about yesterday, I was told to write only of the good things. Just know yesterday I was very angry with life.

Life.

Not just life, but -living-.

Tonight, I realized I didn't want to die.

As I had a gun pointed at my head and chest and saw my life slow down right there in front of me I knew I wanted to live. Live. Live. Live. My life would not be taken away from me by a boy that will never grow up. A selfish, mean human, that didn't care if I had children, a husband, a boyfriend, or a mommy and daddy waiting for me to get home.

Nobody gets to take my life away from me.

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.”

I am going to be more.

Child Abuse.

I think one of my kids is being abused at home. It makes me feel so sick inside. Part of me wants to take her into my arms and tell her that not all boys are like that, and I am going to save her. The other part wants to KILL him. Why would you ever hit a child? I know how this will play out though: "She fell into his fist and gave herself a black eye and bruised up face." What is wrong with this world? Abuse is a virus, and we just can't stop spreading it. I am literally sick, I'm going to bed.

Monster

There will come a point in every girls life
Where she must decide:

Man or Monster?