I can only take care of the chickens, cats, and dogs for so long.
Which is what led me to run a little over a mile. That is my only improvement/good thing I've done today.
1. Ran about a mile.
There is so much I want to express right now, but I was told to write of good things. I'm breaking the rule today.
It seems as though people think it possible to replace certain memories with new ones, but a new face is added. It's like taking a picture and cutting out the face, then putting in a new face. And Viola! The old memory never happened. That's not right. It's not. It just isn't.
I want to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love. Is that too much to ask for? And it's not like I'm on the prowl for anything that walks. No, I've just been waiting. But it's not happening. My serendipity isn't approaching. It's almost as if I had that one chance, but that one chance meant so much more to me than him. And now I'm royally fucked.
Everyone keeps saying all of these things. Things to help me, or things that they believe will help me. But I just want things to be quiet for once. I want my brain to shut up as well. He didn't shoot me. That's what I know. And I shouldn't be like, "what if this" and "what if that".
I just want a vacation. Today is awful. It's like I can't avoid these moments. And they eat me alive. And now they are bringing back past heartwrenching traumas to help eat me alive.
I want to destroy that boy who did this to me. I want him to know that he is evil, and I hate him. I was just a girl doing her job, expecting to head home in few hours, maybe grab some grub, or a coffee. I had really, REALLY wanted a coffee that day. I remember that. What if I had never enjoyed another coffee? Now, I want a coffee now. But I don't want to drive. It's pathetic, but I haven't driven since April 4th. And I don't want to do it alone. My brain won't stop buzzing. And my heart won't stop hurting.
I am taking a clonazepam. Maybe I'm taking two.
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