Blue Valentine

...is a depressing movie.

I can't say I recommend it to anyone because it's so damn depressing. But if you are into that kind of stuff, watch it, sure.

Where does love go over time?

Pleasant Grove, UT

I've always known that I hated the place, but it wasn't up until today that my hate was finalized.

For you see, today I went to the Orem library! My heart was full and checking out my loot was an adventure. There were many, MANY, MANY books. There were many movies, books on audio, and 3 stories to fit it all. Oh, 3 stories and 2 sides to the library. Why does anyone want to live in Pleasant Grove? Really? They can't even give the citizens a good library. Which doesn't surprise me. What religion wants their people to educate themselves on literature that is not their own?

kind words from a friend/follower,

Brooke...

Your blog has inspired me and opened my heart so much. Your blog helps me to never regret my feelings. I am allowed to feel...I have realized a lot about my life and self after reading your blog.You use your blog for so much more then others, your blog is a diary. It has ups,downs and you write what you want don't matter what. you write how you feel and you share with others so deeply.

So broken, then renewed.

So real.

I feel honored to have been able to read it through out your journey.

Thank you for being an inspiration.

wow. this made me tear up. thank you so much.

the truth is,

the unknown scares me,

and everything in life is unknown.

Spooky.

Youtube feels I must not share a certain video with anyone. We wouldn't want to offend Mormons. Which further proves...

money is power.

and the "leaders" have nothing but profit.

So, now I'm left to describe what this video showed....

Women trying to enter the veil AKA enter into heaven. They are chanting and putting their hands up, and doing some sort of secret handshake, and the whole time you watch this you think, oh my lord, is this a cult? But no, it's the Mormon "religion". They are wearing their own veils/hoods, some green apron thing, and an Amish type dress. And after it ended I felt like throwing up. THIS is what my parents are a part of?! THIS? How? Why? I mean, they raised me to think and educate myself. Yet they do this? So it doesn't make sense to me. I am confused. I am hurt. I am sickened. I am worried...

If Mormons are this controlled what is stopping them from going into a big camp and committing mass suicide? What is stopping them from believing it is God's will? I feel like I need to protect my family. I do NOT want my siblings to be a part of this.

**EDIT** Good news! Someone helped me out via Ex-Mormons Worldwide on facebook. Thank you dear kind sir. You may watch the video HERE.

cowards.

I understand why the online world is so full of cruel people.
It's simple,

the real world is full of cowards.

Gentleman or...

So, after a horrible day of being proven right about a "friendlolololol"... my new friend took me on a date. A real date. He started by coming to my house to pick me up (already headed in the right direction) but he didn't stop there, he brought me roses! We then started driving South, only to end up at dun dun dun duuuun: Goodwood. AND THEN, he took me to Pirates of The Caribbean 4. We arrived back at my house at 11:00 where he ended the night by walking me to my door. :) Did I mention he opened every door for me... EVEN his car door. Ahhhh. Who is this mutant? He never tried to force a smacker on my lips, or shove his tongue down my throat, or his hand up my shirt, or his fingers down my pants...

it was just a lovely night of being respected. I am still waiting for the world to implode or something...

...

"Human bodies are amazing. They don't have to be whole to work."

the family,

When you break up with someone and you have grown fairly close with the family it's sort of like... BAM. The hurt I mean. For you see, Eric was a pretty crummy person, but his family was great. And today, as I'm sitting here with just my thoughts I can't help but miss them.

I texted his mother. I'll admit it. I just wanted her to know I think about them and miss them.

And the text back made me wonder, "What has he been telling his family??"
It wasn't a mean text by any means, no, his mother is too sweet. But I feel like she has some emotion directed at me for "hurting her baby". I would apologize if I had done something wrong. Ugh. Maybe one day she'll happen across my blog. Wishful thinking, I know. But if she does...

Tricia,

I would like you to know that I couldn't let myself "settle" again. I deserve more than settling. AND honestly, your son didn't respect me, at all. I just wanted him to do something with his life. ANYTHING. Guitar lessons, voice lessons, art lessons, part-time job, go to college part-time, do chores around the house. But he literally did nothing. And I had already dealt with a person close to being like that, I couldn't do it again. There is so much I would like to tell you, but it would come off as me bad-talking Eric. So, just know, there is so much you choose to ignore about him. But it was IN MY FACE always. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was beat. :/

I hope one day Eric gives you guys the respect you deserve. I hope one day he learns how to say "thank you". I hope one day he realizes he takes you all for granted and all he has been given isn't normal for someone that has done what he has. And most importantly I hope one day he gives you a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, and normality. You told me once he was the one you had high hopes for. It hurts so much to know he can't give you anything that a mother deserves. I've vented to my mom for many moons about this. You deserve so much from him, and he can't even give you a fraction of that.

I am frustrated, and sad. But also happy, because for once in my life I made a good decision, for myself. Although I miss you, I know we are better off now then if I had waited a year to fight for my happiness. I hope one day you fight for your happiness. You are the parent, always remember that. It's your house, your money, your rules. You are capable of being more in charge than you believe.

believe.

"Believe that heartbreak can heal, and that there will be a better tomorrow."

May every girl find the hope, one day, to move on.

Random Question:

Am I the only person that gets sad at the thought of finishing a book?

addictions.

You hear of people being addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, getting that high...

but no one ever mentions the addiction to feeling wanted.

It has hit me today, as I'm reading a book on addiction, that I have a problem with that.

Not only will I always want to turn to alcohol for relief. I'm going to always feel like I need that "PROOF" that I'm wanted in the world. But just so every girl can find hope...

you do NOT need to give yourself to a male to be "wanted".

I am aware that I am going to have many struggles to overcome. And maybe I'm a stupid head for piling them all on so close to each other... but here is my promise to not only the world, but myself:

"I will not let depression, alcohol, and sex destroy me. I will prove to my family, friends, and myself that I have a reason to be here, that I have a reason to be at my best, and that I have a reason to go on, healthily."

I thank the random people that have popped into my life as of lately, surprisingly I've become friends with some Mormons. Ahhhhh, crazy I know. They have given me a look at what I would like to achieve. Not so much because they are Mormons, but because they have goals. These 3 girls do not know what they have brought me to feel. I just wish I could bring them to fully understand that I will be forever grateful for just meeting them, talking to them, and hearing their life stories. You can be a girl that makes bad decisions and still turns her life around. You can be a girl that follows her beliefs until she meets that ONE guy that she gives everything too. You can be religious while still being accepting. You can have hope in something better even when you've been cursed with a broken heart. (that WILL heal by the way.) We all just need time. Time; be patient ya'll.

Strength. I have it. I'm going to use it. Saying goodbye to those that will get me no where, saying goodbye to those that have gotten me no where, and saying hello to a new today.

Dear You,

Sincerely, Me

disgust.

i can't stop being disgusted with myself.

i was made a fool of, again. i specifically said i believed i was making a better choice in my last boyfriend. i was wrong.

very, very, very wrong. i keep trying to be okay with that.

but how can i keep being SO wrong with who i date?? i am starting to lose hope in ever finding someone good and worthwhile.

only bums like me. :( not even like me... more like, want to use me.

they use, and they use, and they use. BUT i am a human being. i am a girl. i have had my heart broken. i have dated an abusive jerk. and the last guy knew this and STILL only thought of himself. i lose hope in people more and more every day. i need to sleep...

and maybe cry.

but i don't want to cry anymore.

i don't want to know me anymore.

i'm a fucking idiot.

It's sort of sad when...

1. Both of your parents are down because bums keep coming into your life.

2. You are down because you keep allowing bums into your life.

3. Even your dad (an asshole) tells you, "You take in these 'projects' in hope to better their lives and then end up sorely disappointed. But you only leave this 'project' when they push your final buttons."

4. Your dad (an asshole) also says with much despair, "Where are all of these bums coming from?!"

5. Your mother agrees with you when you say, "I have dated THE WORST choices in men known to womenkind."

6. You never get an apology for all of the horrid things they do.

7. You become the crazy bitch.

I have to laugh at the last one, I sort of do it to myself, but at the same time... use your brains people! Why do you think no one else tries anymore? They are doomed. So for my projects I give myself a score of

F+

You Lost Me.

so much emotion in one little song.