Slurp, slurp

It is the best treat to... treat... yourself to on a cold day,

When it's oh so glummy, and you have a runny nose, and a sore throat, and must be to work -2 minutes ago- but instead are blogging give yourself what you deserve,

HOT CHOCOLATE.

Days Go By...

What I have learned since my last post:

1. Apparently I can get shitfaced on 2 Mikes Hard Lemonades, 2 small shots of Vodka, and some sipping of a Cranberry Juice, Vodka mixed drink. Hmmmmm.... Anyone that knows me must see how fishy this is... 

2. So much sadness can fit in a shoe-box. And even after you stuff it full, there is leftover sadness.

3. My boyfriend really wants to marry me.

4: I am probably on a downward spiral to somewhere bad... I keep wanting to organize and clean. REALLY badly. So badly in fact that I help myself fall asleep by thinking of a room and imagining how I would organize it. It relaxes me....

5: My dad is sort of acting as if I don't exist... and it's not making me sad this time... well, anymore.

6: Mormons cannot handle bumper stickers. R.I.P. Pride sticker. I bought that with Trevorachu. ]:

Better Than Revenge

When I Look At You

"Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a soul

A beautiful melody

When the nights are long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me

Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me

All I need

Every breath that I breathe

Don't you know you're beautiful

Yeah yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

I look at you

Yeah

You appear just like a dream to me."

-Miley Cyrus

4 Months.

Tuesday was the day of being with Camron for 4 months.

It's crazy how time flies.

And it sucks how shitty I can be sometimes.

Because I forgot.

He showed up with delicious chocolates and I just thought:

"Oh look, my boyfriend showed up with chocolates."

Mean

It's as if she has met him.    It's as if she has met him.

Sundays.

No unhappy person in the world looks forward to a Sunday. A day where sitting around is more likely to occur. I wonder if suicide rates are higher on this day of SUNday. I don't see the sun. In fact, it's quite grey outside.

"I am never going to be good enough for you am I?"

A sentence that haunts me. A sentence that repeats itself through my mind. Twisting and curling. I asked him this. And now I'm asking my parents...

You see, I once told myself that if I was just Mormon enough maybe they would love me fully. I once was a good little Mormon girl. Going to church every Sunday. Going to Young Women's activities. Being there for Family Home Evening. Wearing my modest clothes. (which I still usually do; my boobs just don't fit in ANYTHING.) Even then it was never good enough. I'm sort of worried that eventually I won't even be good enough for my boyfriend. A fear that will be sure to push us apart if I can't stop being a depressed loser. That's right. I am admitting I am a loser. But there doesn't appear to be anything I can do. My doctor told me it would be a process.

Everything I read tells me it will be a lifelong struggle. You see people, there is a difference being being depressed and HAVING depression. Pristiq just doesn't cut it anymore. And I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

Not Good Enough To Be Her Friend

I just found out that the girl who was supposed to be the last bestie I have in the world had her baby. And guess who wasn't told? Her mother also didn't invite me to her baby shower. But some people were invited. The people that gossiped about her and judged her. While me, her friend; the one who loved her no matter what was excluded. I am angry. I am sad. I am disappointed. I was supposed to be there when she went into labor. I was supposed to be there throughout her pregnancy. But I was cut off from her many times since meeting her because I was thought of as a bad example.

I miss you Camille, and I hope you're happy and safe.

You feel tired all of the time. And never rested.

You ask yourself a thousand times, "Will I ever be happy?"

You're trying to co-exist with your nerves.

You're always looking for something that you don't get depressed about.

At times you may go without feeling depressed, but you never feel truly happy.

And the worst part is that no one gets it.

Grenade

My favorite song right now.

My Horoscope.

"Your philosophy of life comes naturally, Scorpio. Others need to study, listen to experts, or sign on to various allegiances. You, on the other hand, already have a profound outlook on life that you surely inherited from your past experiences. It would be interesting for you to expand on your philosophy a bit and try to turn it into something concrete."

I love horoscopes. Just because they are fun to read. But tonight my horoscope really stuck out to me. So I'm sharing it with the world. :)

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

I finally watched it.

After having a conversation in an old time at an old place I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Now that I've watched it... I just don't know what to think. Boooo to sad movies. Most people probably believe that it is a happy movie. I would have to disagree.

Think about it, going through heartbreak and disappointment and then... RISKING GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN. All the while with a blurred brain. An ending exists for a reason. So don't go back to that person. That is what I have learned.

On a side note, I blame him for the ruined relationship.

This Is Insanity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

...

“The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.”

Random Thoughts

High school never ends for some people.

Halloween could be non-existent in the state of Utah within a year or two. Thank-you Mormons. You have completely ruined my favorite holiday.

Do not get into serious relationships in High School. Be young and free and grow into yourself so you are better prepared to find the love you deserve.