...

A house is made of walls and beams;

a home is built with love and dreams

Compliments or Something Else?

"Soooo really I think you're lucky that your hair isn't straight. Straight hair is boring. Of course since you don't have straight hair it's extra-special when you straighten it and so it's amazing then too. Always amazing. Is it as easy as you make it seem?:P" -NP

"Look at how short your bangs are. Crazy. If you do cut them, don't cut them any shorter than they are in this picture.:) You should do this kind of stuff allll the time. Then girls will be like, "That's the girl I'm jealous of." Not that they're not already....but why not give them more reason?" -NP

"How amazing can someone get? If only you also had "that look." You have it in the picture I took of you today. WHICH I sent to my e-mail and is now on my computer forever and ever. So if you wanted to delete it from my phone, I GUESS you could, but then I'd have no background.:)" -NP

"Brooke. This picture, I am probably in love with. Which I can be since I am not in high school. Really, this is just a really really adorable and amazing picture. You are soooo cute.:)" -NP

"Sooo I'm still up and to pass the time away even though sleeping would be the best option I figured looking at your pictures is the best option. Assuming we can't even hang out today I might as well sleep until tomorrow. Annnyway, this picture will probably always be my favorite unless you find some way to top it which I could understand since you only get more and more pretty. I'm NOT sweet talking you. So don't say that.:)" -NP

"This picture still is one of my favorites!:O Your hair never everrrrr looks like this! I say that when you come pick up my licenseless butt that you wear your hair this way. I would be sooo much more inclined to buy you some yummy food for dinner if this were to happen.;)" -NP

"A normal person would stay in their chair." -NP (hahahaha, this one makes me laugh to this day.)

"SKIN!!!:@ And putting it on the internet. Psssshhh. Ohh well. idk if it's because you're in PJs but this is a reallllllly cute picture. Of course it's easy for you to have cute pictures. This one is just excessively so." -NP

"So you gave me that cd with pictures and this was on it. And I was like why is this not on her page? Cause it is just lovvvely. Flawless Brooke. :)" -NP

"I have THE biggest crush on you PROBABLY in all of history." -NP

"Welcome back depressed Brooke. It's okay that you were depressed then. Without this picture I wouldn't be able to see just how happy I make you. :)" -NP

"Gorgeous, gorgeous. I really dig that shirt. My favorite part of it is the all black part that hugs your body oh so deliciously. This picture gives your giant boobs no credit." -NP

"I way way way loved your outfit that day. You really rarely wear those things.:) And must be cool now makes no sense since you were born cool. idk how often I use sense and since back to back like that. Some silly people say them the same way. silly silly. But anyway, your eyes more so the one that is more visible is outrageously gorgeous. This picture really does accent what is most physically beautiful about you which would be your face.:)" -NP

"I enjoyed the morning after a lot more...and we went to CHURCH!!!:O Anyway, you really look just unbelievable in that dress. It makes me question how I was such a lucky person. Oh welll, you should find other times to wear that dress.:) I'm glad you chose this picture cause it is for sure adorable. How does your hair naturally be so perfect?:P" -NP

"Anyway, this is some hotness. You are the reason short shorts were created! Nice legs, short shorts makes a Nick go (whistle). The toilet in that bathroom is like mid-shin on me. FTL!" -NP

"My oh my g*$r&fr*$nd (censored). This is probably my favorite picture of you since the one in your Senses Fail shirt. Anywayyy, I don't think you've ever worn this outfit with me!!! Is your necklace backwards? I turn that one around a lottle! I know that hidden in this is a PEACE sign! At least I THINK so! My little scene g*r^fr&*nd(censored).;) Anyway, I think that it's wonderful everrryday." -NP

"Awwww, this IS cute. REMOVE THAT QUESTION MARK! I always liked things in your hair. AND I always liked you in band tees, ESPECIALLY The Medic Droid one. And I like the natural curl in your hair. haha, so many things to enjoy." -NP

"Most awesome outfit ever. You probably were the most awesomely dressed person at that dance. After me of course.;) I'm glad we decided on those tights they really made the outfit all the more awesome! Though you will never wear them again haha. That was a very good hair day for you.:)" -NP

"My laptop is kind of dim, so you have some nose, but at work you really have no nose at all. Regardless of your no nose you are absolutely beautiful. Those shiny pennies in your head.;) Your lips look lovely in this picture. Really I am so glad to be with you, not just because you're oh so very pretty, but because underneath that shell of beauty is the most splendiferous person in the world." -NP

And I am bored. But there are many, MANY, more of these.

In the end I just wasn't splendiferous enough I suppose.

Ty

The summer before my senior year I was reading the newspaper like I so often did/do. I came across Ty's picture in the obituaries. It did not say how he had died; just that he had returned to his Heavenly Father. And right away, for some unknown reason, my heart ached. Ty, I didn't know you. But I was sad you had left this earth. When I later found out that you had taken your life I went home and cried. As someone who knows exactly how you must have been feeling, I want to say I am sorry. I feel as though I failed you. That maybe if I had said hi to you in the hall, or become your friend I could have shared my own feelings with you and maybe that would have been what you needed. Someone feeling the same way. Someone who also could have been "just another picture in the newspaper". But you were and are more than a picture to me. I've heard and read so many great things about you. Maybe we can be friends one day.

R.I.P. Ty Mckinzie

Lifting My Spirits.

Quotes are amazing mood boosters for me. So in an attempt to pull myself out of this hole of crappiness...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

"The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." -Ayn Rand

"I do believe that the single most important thing I could ever share with you with regard to maximizing the health, harmony, and happiness in your life can be summed up in just two words: -Love Yourself-" -Mike Dooley

"Everything we have and everything we enjoy, including our very life, is due to the kindness of others. In fact, every happiness there is in the world arises as a result of others' kindness." -Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

"There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate le petit bonheur (the little happiness) until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow." -Ardis Whitman

Slurp, slurp

It is the best treat to... treat... yourself to on a cold day,

When it's oh so glummy, and you have a runny nose, and a sore throat, and must be to work -2 minutes ago- but instead are blogging give yourself what you deserve,

HOT CHOCOLATE.

Days Go By...

What I have learned since my last post:

1. Apparently I can get shitfaced on 2 Mikes Hard Lemonades, 2 small shots of Vodka, and some sipping of a Cranberry Juice, Vodka mixed drink. Hmmmmm.... Anyone that knows me must see how fishy this is... 

2. So much sadness can fit in a shoe-box. And even after you stuff it full, there is leftover sadness.

3. My boyfriend really wants to marry me.

4: I am probably on a downward spiral to somewhere bad... I keep wanting to organize and clean. REALLY badly. So badly in fact that I help myself fall asleep by thinking of a room and imagining how I would organize it. It relaxes me....

5: My dad is sort of acting as if I don't exist... and it's not making me sad this time... well, anymore.

6: Mormons cannot handle bumper stickers. R.I.P. Pride sticker. I bought that with Trevorachu. ]:

Better Than Revenge

When I Look At You

"Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a soul

A beautiful melody

When the nights are long

'cause there is no guarantee

That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

When I look at you

I see forgiveness

I see the truth

You love me for who I am

Like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart

When there's no light

To break up the dark

That's when I

I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me

Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me

All I need

Every breath that I breathe

Don't you know you're beautiful

Yeah yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home any more

That's when I

I look at you

I look at you

Yeah

You appear just like a dream to me."

-Miley Cyrus

4 Months.

Tuesday was the day of being with Camron for 4 months.

It's crazy how time flies.

And it sucks how shitty I can be sometimes.

Because I forgot.

He showed up with delicious chocolates and I just thought:

"Oh look, my boyfriend showed up with chocolates."

Mean

It's as if she has met him.    It's as if she has met him.

Sundays.

No unhappy person in the world looks forward to a Sunday. A day where sitting around is more likely to occur. I wonder if suicide rates are higher on this day of SUNday. I don't see the sun. In fact, it's quite grey outside.

"I am never going to be good enough for you am I?"

A sentence that haunts me. A sentence that repeats itself through my mind. Twisting and curling. I asked him this. And now I'm asking my parents...

You see, I once told myself that if I was just Mormon enough maybe they would love me fully. I once was a good little Mormon girl. Going to church every Sunday. Going to Young Women's activities. Being there for Family Home Evening. Wearing my modest clothes. (which I still usually do; my boobs just don't fit in ANYTHING.) Even then it was never good enough. I'm sort of worried that eventually I won't even be good enough for my boyfriend. A fear that will be sure to push us apart if I can't stop being a depressed loser. That's right. I am admitting I am a loser. But there doesn't appear to be anything I can do. My doctor told me it would be a process.

Everything I read tells me it will be a lifelong struggle. You see people, there is a difference being being depressed and HAVING depression. Pristiq just doesn't cut it anymore. And I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

Not Good Enough To Be Her Friend

I just found out that the girl who was supposed to be the last bestie I have in the world had her baby. And guess who wasn't told? Her mother also didn't invite me to her baby shower. But some people were invited. The people that gossiped about her and judged her. While me, her friend; the one who loved her no matter what was excluded. I am angry. I am sad. I am disappointed. I was supposed to be there when she went into labor. I was supposed to be there throughout her pregnancy. But I was cut off from her many times since meeting her because I was thought of as a bad example.

I miss you Camille, and I hope you're happy and safe.

You feel tired all of the time. And never rested.

You ask yourself a thousand times, "Will I ever be happy?"

You're trying to co-exist with your nerves.

You're always looking for something that you don't get depressed about.

At times you may go without feeling depressed, but you never feel truly happy.

And the worst part is that no one gets it.

Grenade

My favorite song right now.

My Horoscope.

"Your philosophy of life comes naturally, Scorpio. Others need to study, listen to experts, or sign on to various allegiances. You, on the other hand, already have a profound outlook on life that you surely inherited from your past experiences. It would be interesting for you to expand on your philosophy a bit and try to turn it into something concrete."

I love horoscopes. Just because they are fun to read. But tonight my horoscope really stuck out to me. So I'm sharing it with the world. :)

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

I finally watched it.

After having a conversation in an old time at an old place I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Now that I've watched it... I just don't know what to think. Boooo to sad movies. Most people probably believe that it is a happy movie. I would have to disagree.

Think about it, going through heartbreak and disappointment and then... RISKING GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN. All the while with a blurred brain. An ending exists for a reason. So don't go back to that person. That is what I have learned.

On a side note, I blame him for the ruined relationship.

This Is Insanity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

...

“The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.”

Random Thoughts

High school never ends for some people.

Halloween could be non-existent in the state of Utah within a year or two. Thank-you Mormons. You have completely ruined my favorite holiday.

Do not get into serious relationships in High School. Be young and free and grow into yourself so you are better prepared to find the love you deserve.

Awwwww.

One of my fellow workers called to check up on me. :)
Thanks Jacob. You just rocked my day.

I now know...

Words really do make a difference. 

A text from my boss made me cry. Yes, I am on pain meds; sucky pain meds. But still, knowing that he isn't angry that I have not been able to come into work takes away soooo much stress. I feel like I am a balloon and I am being blown up too much and I am going to pop. Now there is just a little less air in me. 

Oh, and universe/God/Satan/whatever is out there... if you plan on killing me. Please get it over with. I am about done with this pain.

Dear Body,

I am sooooo tired of being in pain. The meds only take off the edge. When will this end?

Back to bed I go. This took too much energy.

Sometimes...

a quote is all you need.

..."Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you;
they're supposed to help you discover who you are."...

-Bernice Johnson Reagon

Ha. Ha. Ha.

In less than 24 hours three cars that I have driven have died. Sometimes I just have to laugh at my life.

The Walk

Inside-out, upside-down, twisting beside myselfStop that now 'cause you and I were never meant to meetI think you'd better leave, it's not safe in hereI feel a weakness coming onAlright then, alright then, I could keep your number for a rainy dayThat's where this ends, no mistakes, no misbehavingI was doing so well, could we just be friends?I feel a weakness coming onIt's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at allI don't want to feel like this, yeahWas not meant to be like this, not what I planned at allI don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your faultInside-out, upside-down, twisting beside myselfStop that now, you're as close as it gets without touching meOh now, don't make it harder than it already isAnd I feel a weakness coming onIt's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at allI don't want to feel like this, yeahWas not meant to be like this, not what I planned at allI don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your faultBig trouble losing controlPrimary resistance at a critical lowOn the double gotta get a holdPoint of no return, one second to goNo response on any level, red alert, this vessel's under siegeTotal overload, all systems down, they've got controlThere's no way out, we are surroundedGive in, give in and relish every minute of itFreeze, awake here foreverI feel a weakness coming onIt's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at allI don't want to feel like this, yeahWas not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't needI don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your faultFeel like this, it's all your faultFeel like this, it's all your fault
-Imogen Heap

There is only one me...

While at work this past little while I have been passing a sign put up by a teacher. On this sign is a sentence that keeps grabbing my attention.

"There is only one you."

Every time I pass by this sign I stop, think to myself: "There is only one me.", then continue on with my required tasks.

There is only one me.

I thought that I had finally fixed myself only to be sorely wrong. So this time world, I am doing it right. I am going to make something of myself. Even if it's a year from now, two years from now, or ten years from now.

And I plan on starting with college.
UVU are you ready for Brooke Conley? Because I'm coming whether you are or not.

Cold As You

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing, honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody
If I died, died for you, died for you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made

Now that I'm sittin her thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

-Taylor Swift
________________________________

The perfect song to describe it all.
The perfect song to end it all.
I will not be writing about YOU again.

Logic:

They were addictions.
She is the newest addiction.
I was really ever just a Nicotine Patch.

I Just Don't Get It.

How do some people go through this world being amazingly cruel and yet everyone thinks they are good people?? I know, lets erase ourselves. Not exist. For what reason??

I am not a bad person. I am not a perfect person either.... and right now I am feeling really.... drained. I am now known as the irrational, angry, crazy, ex-gf.

Let us all take a minute to think (think clearly). What could have pushed me to do what I did?? It was definitely not nothing. It was something. It was more than something. It was everything. 4 years of pain, betrayal, and anger.

So I snapped.

"God, f*ck you."

No Nicko Karkolov, fuck you.

"She said she would leave me if you were in my life. wa wa wa"

Oh, I'm sorry...
Didn't she already leave you??


P.S. How much have you cried in self-pity the past few months?



“The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing”... and I understand you too much. You dirtbag.

Hmmmm...

It seems like I can never please everyone.

My Freddy Krueger

I had -HORRIBLE- nightmares, featuring him
Red-orange hair a warning of his dangerous side
All I see is an evil monster
A weak, pathetic, ugly monster who can only hunt while you're sleeping

I'm renewed.

"Stand up and walk out of your history. Breathe. Let Go. You have not lost anything; you have escaped."

My Prom Dress Looks Better On Me Now.

I HATE KETCHUP!!! He couldn't, for the life of him, remember that I hated ketchup. 4 years and he couldn't remember that? What does that say about him? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?! I stuck around. :/

Buzzzz.

I have gone from thinking about suicide all of the time to thinking about alcohol all of the time. I'm quite sure my doctor would say that is not a good thing. I know it's not a good thing. I want that numb feeling every second of the day. And I can't get it. But maybe I can today... But I know I shouldn't.

"Hey. Is Brooke Here?"

hahahahahahaha! hahahahahaha! hahahahahaha! hahahahahahahaha! YES. I sat around. Waiting for him; to show up at the expected time. (because he never wakes up for work) I had nothing better to do. I wanted to wait for him to show up at my door. I wanted to hug him. Talk about the good times. Laugh a little. Be good ole' buddies. hahahahahahaha! hahahahahahaha!!!!

...

The key that unlocks energy is desire. It's also the key to a long and interesting life. If we expect to create any drive, any real force within ourselves, we have to get excited."    -Earl Nightingale

Sorry For Possibly Offending You

Texts between my mother and a twat: 

Nick: Since your daughter has been paid today, I would appreciate if I recieved the 55 dollars that she owes me by tomorrow.

Mom: She does not get paid until the last day of the month. And my daughter's name is Brooke. She will pay you.

Nick: Oh, I thought it was the last Friday of the month... Sorry for possibly offending you.

So, after 4 years he can't remember my name? Hmmmm.... Well.... I feel great! And he still can never own up to being a jerk. (He possibly could have offended my mother, but just possibly, probably not though.) He really does have himself convinced he is a great guy. Oh the world he must live in. All sorts of wonders to behold... Now, let's clear this up.... I get paid on the last Friday of the month IF it's the 29th or 30th. Since today is the 27th would it make sense for me to get paid? Now, after a year of living together you would think a smart human would know this. But he is neither a human, nor smart. Soooo... I guess it's to be expected. AND the money I "owe" him is for MY phone. We are on a family plan together. So, yes, I will give him the money I OWE T-MOBILE.

Walk Away

Music. Lyrics. Calm Me. Please & Thank You.

___________________________________________

I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I apologize for the cruel things that I did,
But I don’t regret one single word I said.

Just walk away (make it easy on yourself)
Just walk away (Please release me from this hell)
Just walk away (there’s just nothing left to feel)
Just walk away (pretend like none of this is real)

Please forgive me
If I told you that I cared.
Would you be sorry
If I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall.
I’m so sorry but I never cared at all!

Just walk away (Make it easy on yourself)
Just walk away (Please release me from this hell)
Just walk away (There’s just noting left to feel)
Just walk away (Pretend like none of this is…)

Just walk away (Make it easy on us both)
Just walk away (There was never any hope)
Just walk away (You already know the deal)
Just walk away (Pretend that none of this was real)


-Five Finger Death Punch




to your fucking face

Camron Jesse...

The man who came into my life by accident; but stays on purpose.

:)

It's Nights Like These...

I hate it when my brain won't let me sleep. Maybe it's also my heart... sending the bits of pain back up to my brain. Reminding me constantly of allllll the many disappointments I have had to deal with. Oh, also, I talked to Jordan. He may have meant well (not that I think he actually gives a shit) but talking to him just made me realize that NO ONE understands how I feel. "Move On!" "Move on, Brooke." "Move on, let it go." It's what I keep hearing and reading. I AM OVER US BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP!! Have been for about a year. But it's only been about ONE GOD DAMN MONTH since he finally proved to be nothing more than a horny, porn addicted, loser, jerk face. I just want to be able to sleep without dreams/nightmares. Without anxiety attacks. Without crying. Without angry thoughts day and night. NO ONE wants to know they wasted a lot of their life. But when the actual amount is 4 years it's a little fucking hard to "move on". I am worn out. I am. And not in the emotionally wrecked sort of way that I was. Although there is still some of that. I am drained in the mentally wrecked sort of way. Because when you are given meds to help you stop being so depressed they don't really stop you from thinking. And thinking is all I do. Yup, that's me. Jealous?

Chuck E. Cheese Memories...

I found pictures of Nick and I in one of my books when going to read.
Pictures from when we went to Chuck E. Cheese for a birthday party.
I didn't/don't know what to do with them. Sure, I would really like to crumple them up, scream a little, then BURN them.
Instead they had been sitting on my "cuddle bag".
I had just been passing by the them; occasionally glaring...
Then Camron saw them.
My first thoughts were: Oh shit, he's going to get all upset.
Instead, he said, "Oh I like this one (referring to the one of us kissing). Where should we put it up? *laughing* How about here. And this one can go here..." I replied, "Oh thanks, you know how happy seeing his face makes me feel." So now my room has 3 Nick faces, just sitting around randomly.
The big thing about this is, he didn't get rude, he didn't cry, he didn't yell at me. All of the reactions I would have expected to come. Because my expectations of boyfriends are pretty low at this point. He always proves me wrong though. :)
And he made me realize something. I am not property to him. I am a human. A human who has lived other adventures/disappointments. A human who has made choices NOT involving him. And he accepts that. It made me feel even more as if I was only ever property to Nick. A body to be seen around with. That's what girls are to him it seems. Something he can shine up real nice (with compliments, hugs, kisses, the right twists in his stories) then when they start to appear less shiny to him he can move on to other girls. Other online girls. Other "projects" to call his own. Well Nick, I give you a big, fat F- on the "Brooke Conley Project".

Somewhere, I have other Chuck E. Cheese pictures with him too. From another time. Another time of him fucking me over. I'm never going to Chuck E. Cheese again.

Dear Doctor, that is one place new memories will not be made.

Boredom leads to bad, bad thoughts...

One day my blogs will no longer be about Nick. But until that day comes...

"No morals are instilled in me, so remorse, I really don't feel any."

-Nick Piepenbrok

Ohhhh, thank you for finally explaining why you were always such a complete ass to me. All I wanted was an explanation. I feel much better now. :)

p.s. Those are actually Eminem lyrics. Nick doesn't know how to take responsibility for anything. I can only dream.

My Dad's Birthday... and Camron.

Yesterday was my Daddy's birthday. He turned 48! I'm sure he won't be pleased with me announcing his age. haha. But wow. How time flies. For my Daddy's birthday we went to Ma-maw and Pa-paw's house. Where we had a delicious dinner and then cheesecake. Mmmmmmm.

Camron came, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. My grandparents, although very nice, are also VERY Mormon. But it went so very well! They loved him. (Which leads me to wonder why no one ever told me how they were not fully supportive of Nick and I... it would have saved me from soooo much heartache and disappointment.) Anyway, Camron was a big hit with his "Yes mams" and "Yes Sirs", and he helped prepare things and clean. It was so... different. And SO MUCH better. My grandparents couldn't get over the fact that he was in the Army and was considering going into law enforcement. The big bang came when Pa-paw showed Camron his indian artifacts and Camron starting talking about it with him. My grandpa was so impressed. Camron, you rock my world. :)

The night went grandly! My dad was much warmer towards Camron. And everyone got along. It just felt... right... you know?

I hope you had a great birthday Daddy!
Camron, I am so happy I have someone as great as you.

It's funny.

That day at the pool when I was going to run away because he was there. You made me go back. And that's how I met Camron. You have brought so much bad into my life. But you also sort of brought him into my life. I guess in a funny way I owe you a thank-you.

One big thank-you.

Brooke isn't coming... is she?

Fuck You.

How is it I let you hurt me still?
Your words, and lack thereof.
Well let me tell you something.
Having sex with a 17-year-old. ILLEGAL.
Giving alcohol to a 16-year-old. ILLEGAL.
You think you are the shit? You are not.


You claim you are "The Best Guy Ever". My sister and I have been laughing about this a lot lately. You are actually "The Worst Guy Ever" because you used me more than any other guy has. So know this, You ARE worse than Scott. You did the same thing to me, but in a relationship.

Circle The Drain

This is the last time you say,
After the last line you break,
It's not even a holiday,
Nothing to celebrate.
You give a hundred reasons why
And you say you're really gonna try.
If I had a nickel for everytime,
I'd overbank.

Thought that I was the exception,
I could reroute your addiction,
You could've been the greatest,
But you'd rather get wasted.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You say you have to write your rhymes,
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise,
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll,
But you're really just a joke.
Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won't remember in the morning.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.

-Katy Perry

Space Bound

Eminem has been my savior this past week. A week. The slowest, hardest week of my life.
There is so much I could write, but it's just going to be repetitive and more painful to me. So I'm going to try to write the good that has happened since he left me to rot.

Places I have made new memories:

1. Dennys
2. IHOP
3. Pleasant Springs
4. Victoria's Secret
5. My car
6. My room
7. My parents' house/backyard
8. Movies 8
9. Arbys
10. My bed
11. Maceys

The doctor said I need to make new, better memories. That is how I will start to feel better. So bring it world.

Now, a song that I listen to a lot, a song that was written for people like me, who have known people like him.

"We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
Cuz you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cuz if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cuz I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'soever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coaster;
Somethin' I won't go on till yu toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova
And I'm a...

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with yu, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with yu, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same
You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, now that you're goin jus git.
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

And I woulda did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our
Love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250,000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you"

I'm pissed off, get murdered.

We are not friends because "I got mad and yelled and then wouldn't talk to you".

Why are you always lying?

How Is Brooke Doing... Is She Okay?

How am I doing?
Well....
that information is for friends only.
Which you so obviously are not.

If my mom were to be honest, this would have been her reply:

"Well you see, after leaving her in the dirt all broken and defeated she sort of snapped. Mental breakdown would be more exact. She has panic attacks all of the time. She cries a lot, although that has started to cease. Is that a good thing though? Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, she is on meds now. We felt doping her up was the best way to go. The doctor was so worried about her he told me to take her straight to a "Crisis Team" at the Provo hospital if anything were to happen. Yup, there is such a thing as a "Crisis Team". You know, you really hurt my daughter. And I don't think you can even start to comprehende what you have done. Oh, and thanks for the beads, it's the least you could do for her. Asshole."

She said she replied with:
"She's fine."

Now, I'm pretty sure fine can not even begin to describe how I really am. *shrug

On a good note, the meds do seem to be working. My brain feels more clear than it has in years.... maybe since moving to Utah. I have smiled quite a bit today too. But there is this constant thought in the back of my mind...

Am I me anymore?





"How is Brooke doing? Is she okay?"
I don't know. You tell me.

Class of '09

I was looking through my yearbooks and came to my final year of high school.
I looked through that yearbook.
I looked again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
But it was quite clear;
you never signed it.

I miss...

I miss having you around to find things that are out in the open. I am just blind.

I miss your hugs. No other hugs feel the same. But were they full of lies?

I miss seeing you cuddle with Wei-lo. Did you throw him away too?

I miss my kitties.

I miss knowing there is one person who knows everything about me and sticks around. I guess I suck so much it couldn't last.

I miss your stupid videogame music.

I miss you asking me what you should wear.

I miss making you kandy. You didn't let me keep the beads. :(

I miss crying in front of someone that doesn't make me feel stupid for doing it.

I miss giving random, stupid nicknames.

I miss having a best friend.

Wishing...

for my apathetic side to be quite a bit stronger.



I feel like shit.
Where is my vodka??

You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma

I finally did something I believe I should have done a while ago. I said goodbye to a person that has always been the one saying it to me. I'm pretty sure I mean it. So why is it I feel an emotion he never felt when leaving me?



The feeling of,
Sadness.

Sooo...

I'm in a relationship.

I can honestly say that I didn't see this coming. I was at a point where I was fed up with anything dealing with the words relation or ship. Also male, boyfriend, boy, etc...

It feels as though my life is taking a whole different direction. Moving back in with my parents, meeting new people again, and now dating a guy who seems to be pretty great.

So why is it that even now I find myself scared of what could come to pass?
...I need to stop being so





ridiculous.

Difficult Personality

"I am aware that I have a difficult personality to get along with, but look at it this way... I'm giving you tons of opportunities to grow." -N.W. 

Unconditional Love.

After having hard facts hit me today (although I have known for years and years) I decided to look up a quote that could maybe help me feel better. As I read this I thought. YES! Exactly! Then I got down to who said this lovely quote...
and laughed.
But hey, he didn't write it. He just read what was given to him. So yes, I still like this quote. And it expresses my beliefs so well. Plus, an even bigger bonus, maybe my parents will believe it because it came from him.

"The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love. As a child wanders and strays, finding his bearings, he needs a sense of absolute love from a parent. There’s nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional."

-George W. Bush

Rain in my heart.

IT. IS. RAINING :]

I have the balcony/patio door open and the screen door doing its job

This is all so lovely

The smell

The sound

The feeling

I needed a nice rainstorm

This rain I wish I could share with the world

This kind of rain always improves my mood

After going back to work

Learning some things I didn't want to know

Taking care of my sick kitties...

I just want to say thank you

Thank you to the universe

For sending me this rain.

You Can't Handle The Truth!

http://mormongate.com/index.html

The Mormons, and apparently Catholics, are much more powerful than I originally thought. This is not a safe world we live in... and I live in the heart of all of this evil. Thoughts are flying through my mind at a million miles per hour right now. What else are they capable of? What else have they been a part of that we have not found out about because it is so well hidden?

I knew it was bad.
I just didn't know it was this bad.
With lies come brainwashed members.
With brainwashed members comes money.
With money comes power.
All while being tax exempt....
The extent of this corruption will never be known.

I can't handle the truth.

August 23, 2005

WATCH: 

 

READ:

 

 http://everything2.com/title/Utah+Rave+Bust+-+Versus+2

PeaceLoveUnityRespect 

With a motto like that I can see why they were treated with such brutality. ;)