Sunday

Find Peace

-D

Mother's Day

    Today I find myself sitting outside, just a few blocks from where I temporarily reside. It is Mother's Day. I have The Salt Lake Tribune strewn by my side with "Is access to abortion in Utah about to end" in bold, my anxiety is screaming within me. My food doesn't seem as appetizing now that it sits in front of me. Online I am reading that it is the fault of all of those who didn't vote for Hilary Clinton. I am reading that this isn't a big deal, and everyone is blowing this out of proportion. There are wives who suddenly have discovered the man they've been married to for 15+ years isn't quite as great as they once thought. 

If you find yourself sitting across the table from a man, ask him what his thoughts are on abortion. There isn't a "too soon" only a too late. Having just wasted 3 years of my life with someone who refused to ever get a vasectomy because it was a surgery, and it would hurt yet said if "it" mattered that much then I should just get my tubes tied; I must plead with anyone reading this: do not be me.

He and I both knew early on that we did not want children. Through the ups and downs of birth control, the pain experienced after intercourse, the worry that my IUD had moved through my insides and that I was exploding; I finally pleaded with him to please get a vasectomy. He refused. Let me repeat myself: he did not want children. He also did not know how many women he had impregnated previous to our relationship. When he brought up that there could be a chance we (he) would be contacted anytime down the road for child support I nearly lost my shit. Still he refused to get a vasectomy. He hated using condoms. I can't make sense of it even now.

I've had an abortion. Some may see that as wrong, selfish, or murder. Today is Mother's Day and I sit alone. My mom is somewhere in Utah County. For me personally, I knew I wouldn't be able to give a real, actual living being what that being would deserve. So before the thing inside of me became a life I put a stop to proceeding. My mother gave birth to 4 children, with an abusive man dictating our whole existence. There are days where I resent her for bringing me into this world. Who has the right to tell me and any womxn that our purpose is to be a mom. What does that even mean? I look around me and I see shit parents everywhere.

My abortion is not a dirty secret. It is a success. I did the right thing. So no, we aren't blowing anything out of proportion. My choice over my body shouldn't be something voted on, especially by men. My body and the healthcare needed is a right. Hilary Clinton is owned by men. This isn't about voting for a Democrat over a Republican; they are essentially the same force.

Fuck that shit. Fuck this shit.

Fuck This Shit

 

fuck this shit

I've Had an Abortion

    It's quite terrifying to be back in a state that will surely stomp on my rights as a Womxn. So let me make it clear right now: I have had an abortion. It is my right to decide if I am ready and willing to give birth to a baby and then raise that baby into a healthy, happy adult. 

If you don't want an abortion, then do not get an abortion.

I swore I'd never "be one of those women" but as I stared down at that pee stick and yelled "FUCK" repeatedly; I understood how exactly harmful that way of thinking can be. We cannot possibly know what it is like until we are there. This is where empathy comes into play.

Abortions are not fun. Abortions are not 'an easy way out'. Abortions affect us all differently, and denying access to abortions will impact the communities we live in. The wealthy have access to whatever they want regardless of which laws are passed. This is about the working class. This is about taking away our choice for our own body. We are seen as product on a production line, with our bodies being used for labor and re-populating the labor force. The wealthy want us unprepared. They want us beneath them, they want us struggling, and getting by paycheck-to-paycheck. I say no more.

MY BODY, MY CHOICE.

WE ARE WOMXN.

#EndForcedMotherhood

I matter. You matter. We matter.

GUESS WHO'S BACK

Bedsheets

 

Girl Banksy

"Out With Lek 2"

Sacramento, CA

My Last Week

 

This last week has been a lot. Amongst everything going on, this morning I realized I forgot to think about Kori on Earth Day.

On April 22, 2015, Kori May was stolen from this earth by a semi-truck driver who hit her head on. 

Kori knew who she was. She never questioned the image she portrayed and felt no need to apologize in a world that convinces young girls that we always have something to apologize for. She would capture photos and moments of us, but I'm sad to say I have no pictures with her outside of our 9th Grade panorama and from our photoshoot as "The Seven Deadly Sins". I am not in possession of these things, but I am manifesting that they will reappear back in my life.

Kori always surprised her friends with cute little notes or a gift she had made with her own love and care. Kori loved plants and always learned everything she could about any new addition to her family. She once bought a Venis Fly Trap which we named "Nom Nom Nom". When the lil' guy didn't make it, she made sure I knew because she knew I would want to know. She just did, without being asked. That's the kind of person she was. She had goals, dreams, and desires. She went after each and every moment. She built the life she wanted. She left Utah and always encouraged me to do the same. She reminded me often that there was a whole big-ass world out there and that I needed to see it. She would randomly write me loving, inspirational, and thoughtful messages. They always came when I needed them most. She was so aware of everything. She cared about animals and lived a life that showed that. She cared about the environment and our Mother Earth.

The irony of her death being on Earth Day

was not lost on most of us.

So yeah, I will live a better life because she can't.

Kori May

November 25, 1990-April 22, 2015

Parole Hearing for Cristian Alcatar

    Today I chose to attend (virtually) the parole hearing for one of the men that robbed me 10 years ago. He didn't seem remorseful. He never said sorry; not once. All I heard were excuses. He was young. He hung out with the wrong people. He has suffered from depression since being locked up.

I saw his family logging in behind their own computer screens, and the anger took hold. He was asked if he had a plan for progress if he were to get out, to which he said he didn't. He was going to move back in with his sister in Orem, Utah. He was congratulated for his support system. The same support system that tried to help them not be caught after they (he, his brother, and a friend) had robbed countless people. He was told that they'd seen a positive improvement from him.

He had literally started a prison riot in just 2021.

I was watching ONE WHITE MAN determine the situation of something he knew nothing about. While the previous guy heard it be asked if there were any victim's present; Cristian was not given that information. He didn't know I was there. He didn't know I was watching them. They didn't ask him how he felt after what he had done. They didn't ask if he had remorse. They mentioned that he had multiple offenses from prison outside of the riot. When they brought up his graffiti charge from his arrest 10 years ago, they asked if it was from before or after the robberies, as if that would determine if he'd learned his lesson. He hinted that he couldn't remember, but that it was right around that time. I yelled into the abyss. He and I both know he continued being a dumbass after the night of April 4th, 2012. He continued to commit crimes even after what he'd done. He knew what day that graffiti charge was from. That misstep is what got him caught. Read that again: the popo caught him for graffiti and not for his violent reign on Utah County. He knew the day. He hadn't learned his lesson then and I do not believe he is a changed man now.

So to his dick-ass replies of :

"I was just a kid..."

"I had just turned 18...

"I suffer from depression now..."

"It's been hard because I lost so many years, so young..."

"You know how it is..." (when remarking on being in a gang)

Well, where do I fucking start?

C,

I was just a fucking kid. I was 21. I had a fucking future grasped in my hand. I was working two jobs and I had just registered to return to college. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was in the 4th grade.

After the robbery, my head was so fucked up that I didn't even start seeing parts of myself again until I was 29 fucking-years-old. It's been hard to sit with yourself? Yeah, I can fucking imagine that must be hard.. I do know how it is. What I don't understand is how you cannot look around at all of the fucking people who don't join gangs. I hope you enjoy Orem, UT. I will memorize every detail of your fucking face. I will know you the second I see you. You won't have a mask, and I won't need one. I wanna talk, truly I do.

Oh, and that incredible support system you speak of. I don't have family. Yet here I sit, working on myself. I have many plans set in place to keep making progress. I do these things because change takes work. You're shit.

Sincerely,

- The "Bitch" at a tanning salon

Brooklyn Subway Mass Shooting

Another shooting, and a monster among many, is still out there. 

These are hard times to not have a drink.

The world is shit.