Almost 32

More and more 

people who party 

are moving 

into the apartment complex.

This is going to be another test. 

Can I sit through loneliness? Can I one day be by myself without the constant fear of never being happy, and okay? I tell myself that "drug friends" can never be real friends, but I've met some pretty amazing people. I think we always ended up talking because we were there for some of the same reasons. We just didn't want to be alone, because it hurt too much.

Am I able to pass up the excitement of meeting a stranger and having a magical moment? I don't know if Disney movies fucked me up. You hear people talk about that shit. No, I think all of the Romantic Comedies prepared me for my idea of "Love". If a boy is mean he likes you. The bad boy always reforms and falls head-over-heels-in-love with the wallflower. There are meet-cutes, and they never lead to anything truly awful, outside of hilarious drama. And in the case of Enough (my favorite movie when I was a young girl) you end up like J-lo and you kick the abuser's ass. You beat them at their game.

Do I wish I could go over there and make friends, if only for my nights off? Sure. That's an old part of me that I must dig out. The fact that I'd rather escape than deal with what sits inside of me, it's a hard spot. Every time, (which is often) that someone in AA talks about how they drank for fun and shirking off their kids, families, commitments; I think: Geeze, that must be nice. I drank to escape myself. I stopped feeling comfortable in my body at such a young age, I was never allotted boundaries, and the trauma kept piling on. 

I don't know if I will ever be okay. Which is all the more reason I should get used to being with myself. I don't ever want to be the monster in someone else's story. I don't want to see my father. I don't want to belong to Nick. I don't want to be Camron. I don't want to think like Parker. I don't want to be as broken as Zack/Zach/Zackary.

And quite frankly, I don't want to be anything like most of the people I have dated. That's fucking sad.

I’ve often been alone.