Wanderer

    There is a difference between wanting to have someone and wanting to be with them. As I've reflected back on my relationships of all sorts, I see a pattern. There was a lot of me wanting to be with someone. I gave my time and asked questions. I tried to talk, even if we were just fucking; I wanted to know something about them, really anything. Isn't humanity based on connection?

Many of them though only wanted to own me. For a night, a week, a few months, a year and a half, or maybe even 3 fucking years. I was never truly living with those that claimed to like me the most and for always. Much of my time they locked up inside; controlling what I wore, doing something to ruin my mood if I was about to go out without them, shit-talking my friends, then shit-talking me. This was acceptable to me over and over and over again. I accepted the love I'd always observed and was told I deserved.

My father set me up for failure. Zackary was always going to come into my life. It could have been Nicolaas, Camron, Parker, Britt.... all of them breaking me down. I was being prepared for The One of Many Names. Nobody believes they are capable of falling madly-in-love with a monster. However, the normalization of predatory behavior, drunken abuse, love-bombing, and drug use are exactly how Zackary and I came to be. My bar was so low that he entered my body after just a shrug of his shoulders.

I was so much more. I am so much more. It's how I'm here now: alive. I grew and shifted; chose to open up to those scary parts within myself. I stared at who I'd become. Who I was still becoming.

I stood up. I fucking got out.