No Improvements.

As scattered as my thoughts are it is so very clear to me that I need to leave. For a week, two weeks, a month. I just need to go. I yearn for the ocean and sunshine. I yearn for understanding. Of myself, and life. But life as it is, keeps me rooted in the very place that sucks away my light. Jobs and my parents. It makes me angry that I can't make a choice to leave because of anchors. Holding me down from flying free. My self discovery shall never happen if I cannot be light as a feather. Right now, my anchors are my enemies.

I wish I was brave enough to just go. And say fuck these jobs that I hate anyway. And parents that will get over it in the long run. I am starting college in the fall, and after that I will never have the chance to be free. Why can't my parents just understand.

I need to go before I lose it. That robber took from me, but he also gave me something. The realization that I have not done enough to die happy.

The truth is,

You don't just have to fear monsters under the bed and in your closet anymore.

Today, I'm Not Recovering.

My anxiety is VERY bad right now. I think the empty house is getting to me.
I can only take care of the chickens, cats, and dogs for so long.

Which is what led me to run a little over a mile. That is my only improvement/good thing I've done today.

1. Ran about a mile.

There is so much I want to express right now, but I was told to write of good things. I'm breaking the rule today.

It seems as though people think it possible to replace certain memories with new ones, but a new face is added. It's like taking a picture and cutting out the face, then putting in a new face. And Viola! The old memory never happened. That's not right. It's not. It just isn't.

I want to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love. Is that too much to ask for? And it's not like I'm on the prowl for anything that walks. No, I've just been waiting. But it's not happening. My serendipity isn't approaching. It's almost as if I had that one chance, but that one chance meant so much more to me than him. And now I'm royally fucked.

Everyone keeps saying all of these things. Things to help me, or things that they believe will help me. But I just want things to be quiet for once. I want my brain to shut up as well. He didn't shoot me. That's what I know. And I shouldn't be like, "what if this" and "what if that".

I just want a vacation. Today is awful. It's like I can't avoid these moments. And they eat me alive. And now they are bringing back past heartwrenching traumas to help eat me alive.

I want to destroy that boy who did this to me. I want him to know that he is evil, and I hate him. I was just a girl doing her job, expecting to head home in few hours, maybe grab some grub, or a coffee. I had really, REALLY wanted a coffee that day. I remember that. What if I had never enjoyed another coffee? Now, I want a coffee now. But I don't want to drive. It's pathetic, but I haven't driven since April 4th. And I don't want to do it alone. My brain won't stop buzzing. And my heart won't stop hurting.

I am taking a clonazepam. Maybe I'm taking two.

Vegan Soup For The Soul

It's after 1 in the morning and a friend brings me soup.

Can you say splendiferous?

I feel like crying; happily crying.

Somehow I have gone through so much sh*t and ended up with this small support system that beats any other system.

I feel horrible for not seeing it sooner. I have often wondered if anyone would notice if I were gone... aka... dead.

And I now truly feel that I would be missed. Maybe not by 100 people. But 10 is enough for me.

You know those Chicken Soup books that used to be all the rage? Yeah,

soup really does help heal the soul.

New Tattoo.. and My Improvements...

I went and got some ink. My original plans were something else all together and I had my appointment set up in advance. But after this near death experience I came up with a whole new design. (The other design shall be completed at another time.)

The swirl represents "crazy life, or crazy things that may be thrown at you" the swirl then goes into a sort of tree "which represent life, notice the one leaf growing off of it" then there is the sparrow. Yes I know, everyone and their dog gets a sparrow. But I looked up the meaning and it goes as follows: "The sparrow is ever vigilant in her goals. She is a reminder that idle hands and idle minds should be avoided in order to live a full, healthy life. The sparrow speaks of higher thoughts and ideals. She beckons us to keep our burdens as light as we can in order to avoid a heavy heart."

Yup, so that tattoo pretty much sums up everything that entered my thoughts as death was at my door aka head.

My Improvements For Today And Yesterday:

1. I got out of sweat pants.

2. I went out to eat at a VERY crowded restaurant with my mother's friend and her husband. (thank you by the way, it meant a lot.)

3. Obviously, I went to a tattoo shop... in the city known as SLC. This did mean I had to take half a Clonazepam.

4. My biggest achievement and the one I will forever be most proud of: I went back to my salon. I sat in a chair in the lobby and just sort of got the feel of things. This led to me needing to take a whole Clonazepam.

More updates to come...

My Improvements For Today...

My Victims Advocate suggested that since I enjoy writing I could write of my improvements on any given day.

Today I:

1: slept without a pill
2: showered
3: went out in my backyard for over an hour and played with our baby chicks.

Today I believe I have smiled and laughed more. But I can't be sure. I do know I haven't had any major anxiety attacks.

Although I'd like to go into details about yesterday, I was told to write only of the good things. Just know yesterday I was very angry with life.

Life.

Not just life, but -living-.

Tonight, I realized I didn't want to die.

As I had a gun pointed at my head and chest and saw my life slow down right there in front of me I knew I wanted to live. Live. Live. Live. My life would not be taken away from me by a boy that will never grow up. A selfish, mean human, that didn't care if I had children, a husband, a boyfriend, or a mommy and daddy waiting for me to get home.

Nobody gets to take my life away from me.

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.”

I am going to be more.