le sigh.

Is it too much to want a guy that says,

"Babe, tonight, don't plan anything. Because it's going to be me, you, and a dinner under the stars."

I've NEVER had a guy that takes me on a date. A real date. Not a: "Hey, we should go to dinner. What do you think?"

I'm definitely not saying that I didn't enjoy the time I spent with a person.
But I am saying that since him... I've had nothing even close to acceptable.

And that is sad.

That is pathetic.

Because come on, even someone never took me out for a nice date.

Boys are really.... lazy these days.
Get up and move you ass hats!

I mean.... *cough....

please someone special, come soon.

actually don't.

I'm not ready for you.

my last kiss.

No one ever thinks their last kiss with their love is going to be a planned last kiss, but ours was. Now, looking back, I'm thinking his plans were a little bit different than mine. You see, I didn't think it would really be our last. I think he knew the whole time. I'm kind of angry he asked for it now, ya know? Yet...

I wish I could remember the feelings more.
I wish I had treasured our last hug.
I wish I had treasured our last hang out on the same bed.
I wish I had treasured our last little disagreement.
I wish I had treasured his last laugh with me.
I wish I had never helped us get here.
I wish I could get away from myself.

I wish he knew.
I wish he cared.
I wish he understood.

I wish that I didn't care.

I'm glad I do.

Blame It On The Rain.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back up off it.

back the fuck up off it creepers!

PSYCHO! (trigger warning)

The other night I had one of one THE worst experiences of my life. No joke. I really don't want to have to type this out, but this needs to be shared...

I had finally decided to catch up with an old friend. This old friend obviously had a peeked interest in me... I just didn't know how much. We hung out for a few hours with some other people. After a while he asked if he could talk to me upstairs.... this is where it gets scary... WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This is pretty much our conversation: (imagine a creeper trying to kiss you on and off the whole time, grabbing your arms when you say you just want to go back downstairs and try to do just that, and THRUSTING your face upwards saying: "Look at me when I'm talking to you.")

HIM: "I've had many opportunities where I could have kissed you tonight, but I didn't because I didn't know your thoughts on the matter. I cannot deny you are physically attractive. But it's more than that. You are mentally and intellectuality stimulating. Sex is not my word of choice. I prefer "mating" or even better "sexual reproduction". I can neither deny that I would very much like to sexually reproduce with you if given the opportunity. What are your thoughts on this matter?"

ME: -my face was literally something like this :S- "Ummmm... I mean... that's... just... not going to happen. I'm sorry. But no... just... no."

HIM: "But why?"

ME: "First of all, I dated your older brother a while back. Second of all you are younger than me. I NEVER date someone younger than me. It just wouldn't happen." (I was trying to be kind with my reasoning because in my mind he was this little boy that I had once adored... whom had just happened to turn into a CREEPER.)

HIM: "Intellectually that just doesn't make sense."

ME: "What sort of answer are you wanting here? I mean... it's just not going to happen. That's my answer."

HIM: "What would your thoughts be on me kissing you?"

ME: "That is also not going to happen." -us going back and forth on him trying to get his way and me saying NO WAY YOU CREEPER!... except in a nicer way. But just when I thought he couldn't make it anymore scary.... 

HIM: "Biologically I am the perfect choice for your age. My sperm count best matches up with your fertility cycle. You are ready to be a mother. Did you know that Brooke? There are very few who would have my offspring and even fewer who I would want to have my offspring."

ME: "nooooo.... I'm not.... ready... to be a.... mother. That's just... hahaha... not true." (at this point I was almost in hysteria, hence I finally let out some laughter, but it was like scared laughter... and I kept waiting for someone to rescue me... but as always I had to save myself)

...Some of the guys came up and said they were heading to Wally World, I decided then that I was getting the hell out of there. And I did. And I am still in shock about this whole thing. Random pieces of this time haunt me when I am trying to go to sleep. People, there are creepers out there. Beware.

Sorry,

I apologize for getting down again.
I'm trying to be a happier person outside and inside my blogs.

But damn it's hard. :P

I'm going to continue trying though.

"People must first discover happiness with themselves before seeking it with another." -ME

hahaha.

I'm outtie.

Miserably Still Loving Him.

aggghhh. laughter only lasts so long.
it's like i'm determined to be miserably loving him forever.

stupid. stupid. stupid.

Single Female

him: "You're cute, just so you know."

me: "Define cute...."

him: "Cute.... attractive? It wouldn't hurt my eyes to see you."

My single status always brings many stories.

but I'm so sick of guys just wanting me for sex.

last night

I had a dream

And in this dream I was back in a small town in Colorado. It looked as if it was going to rain. My mom was driving me through this busy street and I was trying to find this little diner that he and I had gone to. I couldn't find it. And I couldn't find him. So I started crying. My mother said to me, "Brooke, everything's going to be okay. It really is. You can stop crying now." We were then put through this almost... hot wheels track... type of road. And I was scared we were going to fall off. It felt like a roller coaster, only nothing was holding us to the road. I started to panic even through my tears. My mom said, "It's going to be okay. I can get us through this. We are almost across."

Then I woke up.

I can't tell you EXACTLY what this little town looked like now.
Or what it was named.
But in my dream it was so clear.

The landscape.
The buildings.

The grocery store with healthy food.

The name.

Sometimes I hate my dreams.

Learning Not Mourning

I am in a "take everything as a learning experience" stage.

So, when I receive a text from my ex that goes as follows:

"haha you're ridiculous. You don't care about anything but yourself. And if you did... you would notice the effort I've made and am still making. You act as if you know what I'm thinking and am doing when I'm not around you, when all I've ever done is try to be the best friend/boyfriend I can be. Sometimes things are hard for me but that doesn't mean I'm not giving my all. But you know everything so why am I even talking."

Well, first of all ERIC, you haven't talked to me, you are texting. May I point out that whenever I tried the whole serious talk thing YOU started to raise your voice and act like a little emotional whiny butt.

Second of all, (and this is my learning experience) I am taking this as my Karma. I often sent angry texts, most MUCH worse than this, to a special someone. I'll take this. I'll let it sit on my shoulders for a bit. I'll move on.

I am Scorpio, feel my sting.

Scorpios hate with the same passion in which they love.

Scorpios are all about curiosity.

These folks are super-keen on learning about other people and figuring out what makes things tick. They are helped in this by their keen sense of intuition. Part of what makes Scorpios seek information is their understanding that knowledge is power.

Scorpios like to be in control and they use secrets to get it. They can also be quite pushy when it comes to making sure they get their own way. This makes them valuable at work, but some people will be intimidated by them.

Scorpio folks are intense, passionate and filled with desire. However, this is not easy to see because suspicious Scorpios are expert at hiding their emotions. Scorpios make deadly enemies because of their terrible tempers, and they will certainly seek revenge on anyone who does them wrong. They also can take a trivial matter and turn it into a huge deal.

That said, Scorpios are very perceptive about other people's feelings, and they are usually in the know about who is doing what and with whom. Some Scorpios can tune in to ever wider vibrations.

We Are All Going To Be Okay.

We just have to allow it.

I may have treated people badly, I may have made HORRIBLE choices.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I have a job.

I am going back to school in the fall.

I have my family and my kitty.

I have a few close friends.

That's all you need!

fate is fate.

I am not going to mess with it.

What I am going to do is live life to the fullest. I am going to be happy with myself! No more distractions.

I, Danae Brooke Conley, will make it.

I'm going to be okay.

Possibly,

just possibly...
I could be pissed off.

For you see, when your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend contacts your ex-boyfriend via Facebook that just might be a button pusher. Really? Who does that?? Stay out of my life. A psycho has found a psycho. Awwww, it's adorable. Now leave mine and my own the hell alone.


I could not possibly be more annoyed at this time.

When anxious:

I clean.

Is that bad? I have done laundry, cleaned the laundry/cat room, AND boiled eggs for yummy egg sammiches.

Sadly, my room and bathroom have already been cleaned by moi during another of my anxiety attacks.

Someone give me something to clean!

Or money to shop... yes, that would be even better.

True Story.

Him: "Do you even believe in love?"

Her: "I used to."

If only I could put the emotion felt. Then maybe it would be better understood. Sometimes I wish I could share my memories with another. Sometimes I am glad I can't.

Sometimes I hate another him.

Sometimes I hate that I can't hate him.

Honestly, I have this huge fear that I will never be able to love again, and there is nothing that will be able to change that. I constantly feel like a part of me is missing. A part of me that I haven't been able to find. I don't even know if that part of me is out there to find anymore.

I literally don't feel. There is nothing more I can write or say to try and help anybody understand. I can only reach this certain point and then there is... nothing.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I know there is someone better out there for me. 

I gave it to the wrong person. Can I please have my heart back?

I don't want to be numb anymore.