Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Heartwrenchingly Honest:
http://marynshope.blogspot.com/
I just discovered this mother's story of her little girl's journey, and it has broken my heart.
I've been so scared of becoming a mother and failing my children, but what happens when "God", "The Universe", or Science fails you both?
I just want to hug this woman and tell her she did everything right.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Nightmares.
Pretty much, on the daily, I've been plagued by nightmares. I wake up either in panic or wanting to cry. But these nightmares are not like the nightmares many others experience. These nightmares are filled with different versions of real-life experiences I've had with "my family". Those people are always causing so much contention but there is never resolve. And that my friends is just plain sad.
Why is it that they believe me to be "the bad child", the "angry child", the "selfish child"? Yet no one else seems to see me that way. And when I'm not with them, I'm the better version of myself.
I've realized I have no interest in ever seeing anyone of them again.
And that my people, is in a way, a huge weight off my shoulders.
I am only moving forward.
...another realization, it is only when I have really been seeking the love of a father that I've made horrible decisions. Since letting that -badness- go, I've been making much better decisions. What does that say about not only me, but any girl like me?
We live in a really sad world, and if I ever become a mother, I'll do it as close to right as possible. WITH THE RIGHT MAN, that is ready to be a real father, and I'll be a real mother.
Love: one of the most important things in this world. Yet we don't see enough of it.
Why is it that they believe me to be "the bad child", the "angry child", the "selfish child"? Yet no one else seems to see me that way. And when I'm not with them, I'm the better version of myself.
I've realized I have no interest in ever seeing anyone of them again.
And that my people, is in a way, a huge weight off my shoulders.
I am only moving forward.
...another realization, it is only when I have really been seeking the love of a father that I've made horrible decisions. Since letting that -badness- go, I've been making much better decisions. What does that say about not only me, but any girl like me?
We live in a really sad world, and if I ever become a mother, I'll do it as close to right as possible. WITH THE RIGHT MAN, that is ready to be a real father, and I'll be a real mother.
Love: one of the most important things in this world. Yet we don't see enough of it.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
College, Parents, Crapload of Suckfest...
As of 10 minutes ago I am officially unregistered for college. I put that I would be returning in the fall of 2013, but let us get real people. My life never works out that smoothly. I cannot even find a job. I have no criminal past, I am a hard worker, and I have had a variety of jobs. But I am not finding a job.
My phone bill was due on the 13th.
I still have $125 left to pay off on my credit card.
And I honestly cannot sale anymore of my clothes. My closet size was already cut in half. HALF.
I've been telling myself that it's okay because worldly items don't matter in the end. I mean, what is better:
A backpack of things that you really depend on?
Or a closet of shit you never wear?
But really, my parents left me to rot. They don't care if I have to sale my possessions or sign up and become a test puppet for the flu vaccine.
My phone bill was due on the 13th.
I still have $125 left to pay off on my credit card.
And I honestly cannot sale anymore of my clothes. My closet size was already cut in half. HALF.
I've been telling myself that it's okay because worldly items don't matter in the end. I mean, what is better:
A backpack of things that you really depend on?
Or a closet of shit you never wear?
But really, my parents left me to rot. They don't care if I have to sale my possessions or sign up and become a test puppet for the flu vaccine.
If I become a zombie...
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Movie with Mom.
Any people that want to go around and keep saying things like: "Who brings their 6 year old to a movie at midnight?!" need to actually go eat a bar of soap.
I know that if my mom had taken me to a movie when I was 6 years old, and it was just us girls, together, laughing...
I just know it would have been a good thing for my mom to have done.
She was a mom who spent her weekend with her child, and lately I've noticed young moms don't seem to do that as often as they should.
I imagine she is a lovely lady, and her loss hurts me.
Parents should never outlive their children.
I hope the monster who took her away from her mommy gets what is coming to him.
I know that if my mom had taken me to a movie when I was 6 years old, and it was just us girls, together, laughing...
I just know it would have been a good thing for my mom to have done.
She was a mom who spent her weekend with her child, and lately I've noticed young moms don't seem to do that as often as they should.
I imagine she is a lovely lady, and her loss hurts me.
Parents should never outlive their children.
I hope the monster who took her away from her mommy gets what is coming to him.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
A Violation
A great article to describe the extent of this betrayal: READ
A piece of that article...
"...And whatever identity you enter with into the dark, welcome coolness of the movie theater disappears; you simply become a member of the audience. This is why we go to the movies. For that anonymity and that safety. It's the one place parents of teenagers everywhere let go of the worry for at least a few hours because you know where they are and nothing bad will happen. And that's why this horrific assault on the people gathered in Theater #9 in the Century 16 complex in Aurora, Colorado is so painful and a violation of epic proportions.
We sink into those spongy, salty seats with sticky floors to get away, turn off and tune in. Our guards down, we thrill to the chases, the explosions, the punches and narrow escapes, the love, the lust, the morality plays and the lessons learned, the good guys always win and the bad guys get it in the end. The guns and the blood aren't real but we pretend with all our hearts it is. That's the fun and the guilelessness of sitting there in the dark -- give me all you got, I trust you, I'm yours.
That's why we agonize over the long moments when these true innocents -- moviegoers for god's sake -- realized something terrible was really happening."
Words I couldn't express until now.
A piece of that article...
"...And whatever identity you enter with into the dark, welcome coolness of the movie theater disappears; you simply become a member of the audience. This is why we go to the movies. For that anonymity and that safety. It's the one place parents of teenagers everywhere let go of the worry for at least a few hours because you know where they are and nothing bad will happen. And that's why this horrific assault on the people gathered in Theater #9 in the Century 16 complex in Aurora, Colorado is so painful and a violation of epic proportions.
We sink into those spongy, salty seats with sticky floors to get away, turn off and tune in. Our guards down, we thrill to the chases, the explosions, the punches and narrow escapes, the love, the lust, the morality plays and the lessons learned, the good guys always win and the bad guys get it in the end. The guns and the blood aren't real but we pretend with all our hearts it is. That's the fun and the guilelessness of sitting there in the dark -- give me all you got, I trust you, I'm yours.
That's why we agonize over the long moments when these true innocents -- moviegoers for god's sake -- realized something terrible was really happening."
Words I couldn't express until now.
Cold
I've just had one of the most disgusting conversations of my life.
People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because no one tried to fight back.
People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because they didn't protect their loved ones.
People accusing US, victims of gun violence, of being cowards for not fighting back when a gun was in our face.
How dare anyone speak or write of these things.
I am shaking in fury.
Anyone that believes this should try having a loaded gun pointed right at them.
And to make matters worse, this loaded gun will be firing rounds.
Get real people.
These victims did all they could in the situation that was presented upon them.
I feel like I should weep for how cold many in this country have grown to be.
People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because no one tried to fight back.
People accusing those in the theater of being cowards because they didn't protect their loved ones.
People accusing US, victims of gun violence, of being cowards for not fighting back when a gun was in our face.
How dare anyone speak or write of these things.
I am shaking in fury.
Anyone that believes this should try having a loaded gun pointed right at them.
And to make matters worse, this loaded gun will be firing rounds.
Get real people.
These victims did all they could in the situation that was presented upon them.
I feel like I should weep for how cold many in this country have grown to be.
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