Gun Nuts.

It's Coming.

The year anniversary of me not being killed.
I'm dealing with anxiety sent straight from the darkness of hell.
My therapist said I'd deal with this, which is all just lovely, except for that fact that I've not seen my therapist since being disowned by my family.
I guess it's all up to me to get through this.
And I know I will, but it sucks.

In other news, I'm not doing a very good job of keeping my fingers still online.
Can people really not put their guns down for 3 seconds and insert themselves into the world of common sense?

I'm going bonkers over here.

Sydney

I put myself in others pain, it's one of my greatest weaknesses and yet strengths. As I was reading it was as if I was seeing into myself a few years ago. Depression is a real thing, and you can't get through it alone.

http://sydneytaylorbruning.blogspot.com/

I am so very sorry for all that are dealing with her loss.

Hold Your Head Up.

10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self:

1. You are not ugly.
2. You deserve good friends; find some.
3. Don't be afraid to speak up for what is right.
4. Falling for the seemingly nice guy shouldn't happen so easily, let it take time.
5. Do your f*cking homework.
6. Spend more time with your siblings.
7. Hug your mom.
8. Don't feel bad if you want to spend a day in bed reading.
9. You don't need that ice cream, eat some veggies.
10. You are a good person, don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

Obligation; No more

There is a girl I work with. And her parents love her very, very much. The relationship they share makes my heart ache. I've never had that with my own parents. There has always been this word in the air, my parents never tried to hide it much, "obligation". That's what we were to my parents. The children they had made. The children that should have been made out of love, alas, were not.

As I watch from afar, the life of families that pass me by, I realize that I never would have found a sense of happiness with those that share my blood.

I also realize that The Szugyes give me more of what I have ever wanted from parents. They hug me, and let me cry, then hand me a glass of wine and tell me jokes. They let me talk. They let me believe. They let me learn, search, and most importantly: fly through this world as if it's my own adventure, my own story to write.

My blood gave away the title of "Mom and Dad". And in turn gave me one of the greatest opportunities I've ever been handed.

Breathe in, breathe out.
The world has so much more to offer than we could ever think possible.

Heartwrenchingly Honest:

http://marynshope.blogspot.com/


I just discovered this mother's story of her little girl's journey, and it has broken my heart.

I've been so scared of becoming a mother and failing my children, but what happens when "God", "The Universe", or Science fails you both?

I just want to hug this woman and tell her she did everything right.

Artificial Nocturne.

Pursuit of Happiness

Nightmares.

Pretty much, on the daily, I've been plagued by nightmares. I wake up either in panic or wanting to cry. But these nightmares are not like the nightmares many others experience. These nightmares are filled with different versions of real-life experiences I've had with "my family". Those people are always causing so much contention but there is never resolve. And that my friends is just plain sad.

Why is it that they believe me to be "the bad child", the "angry child", the "selfish child"? Yet no one else seems to see me that way. And when I'm not with them, I'm the better version of myself.

I've realized I have no interest in ever seeing anyone of them again.

And that my people, is in a way, a huge weight off my shoulders.

I am only moving forward.

...another realization, it is only when I have really been seeking the love of a father that I've made horrible decisions. Since letting that -badness- go, I've been making much better decisions. What does that say about not only me, but any girl like me?

We live in a really sad world, and if I ever become a mother, I'll do it as close to right as possible. WITH THE RIGHT MAN, that is ready to be a real father, and I'll be a real mother.

Love: one of the most important things in this world. Yet we don't see enough of it.