Circle The Drain

This is the last time you say,
After the last line you break,
It's not even a holiday,
Nothing to celebrate.
You give a hundred reasons why
And you say you're really gonna try.
If I had a nickel for everytime,
I'd overbank.

Thought that I was the exception,
I could reroute your addiction,
You could've been the greatest,
But you'd rather get wasted.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You say you have to write your rhymes,
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise,
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll,
But you're really just a joke.
Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won't remember in the morning.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.

-Katy Perry

Space Bound

Eminem has been my savior this past week. A week. The slowest, hardest week of my life.
There is so much I could write, but it's just going to be repetitive and more painful to me. So I'm going to try to write the good that has happened since he left me to rot.

Places I have made new memories:

1. Dennys
2. IHOP
3. Pleasant Springs
4. Victoria's Secret
5. My car
6. My room
7. My parents' house/backyard
8. Movies 8
9. Arbys
10. My bed
11. Maceys

The doctor said I need to make new, better memories. That is how I will start to feel better. So bring it world.

Now, a song that I listen to a lot, a song that was written for people like me, who have known people like him.

"We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
Cuz you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cuz if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cuz I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'soever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coaster;
Somethin' I won't go on till yu toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova
And I'm a...

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with yu, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with yu, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same
You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, now that you're goin jus git.
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

And I woulda did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our
Love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250,000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you"

I'm pissed off, get murdered.

We are not friends because "I got mad and yelled and then wouldn't talk to you".

Why are you always lying?

How Is Brooke Doing... Is She Okay?

How am I doing?
Well....
that information is for friends only.
Which you so obviously are not.

If my mom were to be honest, this would have been her reply:

"Well you see, after leaving her in the dirt all broken and defeated she sort of snapped. Mental breakdown would be more exact. She has panic attacks all of the time. She cries a lot, although that has started to cease. Is that a good thing though? Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, she is on meds now. We felt doping her up was the best way to go. The doctor was so worried about her he told me to take her straight to a "Crisis Team" at the Provo hospital if anything were to happen. Yup, there is such a thing as a "Crisis Team". You know, you really hurt my daughter. And I don't think you can even start to comprehende what you have done. Oh, and thanks for the beads, it's the least you could do for her. Asshole."

She said she replied with:
"She's fine."

Now, I'm pretty sure fine can not even begin to describe how I really am. *shrug

On a good note, the meds do seem to be working. My brain feels more clear than it has in years.... maybe since moving to Utah. I have smiled quite a bit today too. But there is this constant thought in the back of my mind...

Am I me anymore?





"How is Brooke doing? Is she okay?"
I don't know. You tell me.

Class of '09

I was looking through my yearbooks and came to my final year of high school.
I looked through that yearbook.
I looked again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
But it was quite clear;
you never signed it.

I miss...

I miss having you around to find things that are out in the open. I am just blind.

I miss your hugs. No other hugs feel the same. But were they full of lies?

I miss seeing you cuddle with Wei-lo. Did you throw him away too?

I miss my kitties.

I miss knowing there is one person who knows everything about me and sticks around. I guess I suck so much it couldn't last.

I miss your stupid videogame music.

I miss you asking me what you should wear.

I miss making you kandy. You didn't let me keep the beads. :(

I miss crying in front of someone that doesn't make me feel stupid for doing it.

I miss giving random, stupid nicknames.

I miss having a best friend.

Wishing...

for my apathetic side to be quite a bit stronger.



I feel like shit.
Where is my vodka??

You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma

I finally did something I believe I should have done a while ago. I said goodbye to a person that has always been the one saying it to me. I'm pretty sure I mean it. So why is it I feel an emotion he never felt when leaving me?



The feeling of,
Sadness.

Sooo...

I'm in a relationship.

I can honestly say that I didn't see this coming. I was at a point where I was fed up with anything dealing with the words relation or ship. Also male, boyfriend, boy, etc...

It feels as though my life is taking a whole different direction. Moving back in with my parents, meeting new people again, and now dating a guy who seems to be pretty great.

So why is it that even now I find myself scared of what could come to pass?
...I need to stop being so





ridiculous.

Difficult Personality

"I am aware that I have a difficult personality to get along with, but look at it this way... I'm giving you tons of opportunities to grow." -N.W.