Who Says?

yes, this song does lift my mood.

thou hath been beat.

The nights like these are when I WISH dearly for Xanax.

I feel all uptight, sort of nauseous, and like I'm ready to attack at any given moment.

Just a random thing: I hate the word "nauseous". Who really knows how to spell it when put on the spot?

Anyway, I feel very... antsy right now. I need something, but I don't know what! I need... calm. I need... peace. I need... care.

Help.

Men!

damn them.

damn them all.

if hell exists, go there.

you selfish, horny, lying, ignorant creatures can leave me alone.

starting NOW.

My Advil better start working.

By the way,

My father is for sell. Want him? He is going for $275. It will help me pay my rent in two months.

:(

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad.

I have not been this sad since, well, you all know who.

Except this time, I am not angry along with sad.

So it's sucks so much more.

Anger where are you when I need you?

Oh, that's right...

Thank You Pristiq.

You do wonders, I would much rather be sad than angry. ;)

Gahhhhhhhh, I just want to scream. It's so much easier to be okay when you are out doing stuff. But now I am stuck with my thoughts, my heart, and food. Food that I could emotionally devour right now, but I shant.

I still haven't really, really cried. Except for this space of 30 seconds that was really pathetic, and I am glad no one walked in on me. I think I need to weep. Does anyone want to watch The Notebook with me?

please. :/

...

Today I:

1. Broke up with my boyfriend.

2. Broke up with my job.

3. Should be breaking up with my parents.

clickaclack.

the sound of the imaginary bullet i just put through my brain.

i feel like no one will ever listen to me. why do i even try? no one wants me to be happy. they want themselves to be happy.

they want me to be mormon.

they want me to be their girlfriend.

they want me to put out.

they want me to clean up kid shit day after day.

well i want to leave.

leave you all.

& lose some more.

So what if I turn to alcohol to be happy. At least that is what my mind is saying. My body has other ideas.
I am sick.
I am also sick of being sick.
My kidneys suck.
My ovaries suck.
The health of my body overall sucks.
Physically & mentally, I am beat.


The good side of all of this is that I have lost a significant amount of weight. I enjoy how my stomach looks, once again. :)


p.s. You don't have to count calories when you are eating close to nothing.

fuckin' perfect.

I wish I could backspace my life.

I just backspaced the hell out of this post.

My freedom was taken long ago it seems.

I miss not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. 

Now I am stuck with my own thoughts. Wanting to shout them to the world. But never doing it. And I know I don't have any REAL friends. So that's a bummer. I have to go to work in about an hour. I'm afraid today will be the day that I scream, "FUCK THIS JOB!" and then throw down whatever I am holding and head to the nearest exit. My dad would never allow me to stay in his house. My dad is a douche. How many days can a father ignore his daughter's existence? I don't know... I think I'm going on 2 weeks now.

Here is the truth: I blame parents for fucking up their kids. Maybe if I had a good, strong, firm relationship with my father I wouldn't constantly FUCK UP the kind of guys I allow into my life. Maybe I wouldn't trade sex for some hope of "love" "caring" "honesty" "companionship". Here is the truth: I blame religion for fucking up parenting skills. Unconditional love can not exist when religions are pounding down conditions. "Jesus Said Love Everyone" -a Mormon song. Well, read the fine print:

unless they are gay, black, speak their mind while also having tits, want nothing to do with religion, have pet unicorns, walk backwards while sucking on a rainbow lollipop...

I backspaced the hell out of this post again.

I guess that means I am done.

sad&tired.

I knew it couldn't go on forever. Where do I start...

My relationship is failing. And I am sad. It's crazy... I truly believed after Nick that I just wouldn't care like I did with him. But this is getting pretty depressing. I don't even know how to explain how I am really feeling. The closest I can come is this:

It's a mix of Camron and Nick. I'm fed up but at the same time the idea of losing him makes me want to cry. And I probably shouldn't say Camron... just because this fed up is different. I am fed up with being disappointed. Camron was just a douche.

I really feel sick. It's like all of this stress is tearing my body apart. I have been soooo tired these past few days. And my head won't stop hurting! I am also biting my nails again. "yippee".

I was looking forward to Spring Break because it meant no work for me, but I am now worried that is just going to lead me to sitting around dwelling on my depressed state. Also, I have discovered the joys of opiates. This is not a good thing. Codeine you started me on a path that could be destructive.

Oh, I'm taking the ACT on Saturday. Wish me luck! I have not taken a math class since 11th grade. :S I am just a tad worried. Anyway, this will lead me to... dun dun dun duuuun:

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL IN THE FALL!!!

hungover... again.

am i an alcoholic? perhaps.