Run My Life...

There are those that can't be responsible for one second and make horrible decisions. 

There are those that can't have fun and end up miserable.

There are those that ruin the happiness of others.

There are those that let their happiness be ruined.

What is living anyway?! Be nice. Be good. Be honest. Be ethical. Go to school. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Who decides the way life is supposed to be run?! Can't I be happy my own way?

one of those nights...

I am once again having one of those nights where I would much rather stay curled up in my bed with the laptop then go out. I am enjoying not wearing a bra. I am enjoying having my pants undone. I am enjoying my messy hair. I am enjoying snacking on food that I shouldn't. Okay, that's a lie. I fear I will gain weight. Le sigh. Damn you calories.

 

I want a break from the same-old, same-old.

I want to get in a car and drive to California.

I want to sleep on the beach.

I want to run around in a bikini and not care what the fuck I look like, because I'm never going to see any of the people around me again.

I want to buy a souvenir that I can wear around my neck.

I want to tan in the sun... well maybe get a sunburn.

I want to come back with another tattoo.

I want to smoke weed while watching the sun come up.

I want to make love in the cool breeze.

I want to walk around barefoot and not get frost bitten.

I want to know that my life is going to turn out okay in the end.

I want to not have a job for a month or two.

I want to tell my dad that he is mean.

I want to move out again.

I want to get shit-faced every night, pass out, wake up, and then do it all over again.

I want to not have a care in the world.

I need to stop wanting so much.

FIGHT.

life effect

Sorry for wasting your time
Five long months on the telephone line
Hours of asking if you were fine
And saying I was fine, too
Sorry, but I've got to go
The birth was quick but the death was slow
There was so much I didn't now
So much I never knew about you

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
It's called the life effect
Will it always surround us

Who made you happy last night
I don't know his name, but christ can he fight
As I fell, he told me you had a light
A light that shone inside you

I found myself a decent man now
I love him because I can
The bravest that I've ever been
Was when I ran away from you

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
It's called the life effect
Will it always surround us

And so we disconnect
The room goes quiet around us
Nothing left to protect
The end has finally found us

The day is almost over
It's almost time for bed
So now you've finally lost me
Rest your weary head

good&bad.

I had THE coolest dream EVER last night. I was at a rave that lasted for days, but there were also comedians there performing. So maybe it was more of a festival of awesome. But anyway, in my dream I met Chelsea Handler. We were all partying it up. It may have also been some form of Las Vegas.... Anyway, I wish I had dreams like this EVERY night.

I awoke to find my buhbay Brewster sick. :( His tail is literally dead. And his back legs are not working normally. Paralysis? Stroke? I just don't know. We are taking him to the vet tomorrow. I handled it pretty well... until I was driving home from work. It was then, as I was jamming Taylor Swift on my iPod, that I wept like a little baby. I don't know what I will do if it's something that will just get worse... and then I have to put him to sleep. MY CHILD DYING is NOT something I can handle. I haven't decided if I should contact his father yet. Most of me thinks he wouldn't give a shit.

Happy Birthday, Mister Ephebophile!

Happy Birthday to you, 

Happy Birthday to you, 

Happy Birthday dearrrrrr Mister Ephebophile!!!

Happy Birthday to you.

:]

hugs&kisses.

A Lesson Learned...

"Hold your head high,
don't ever let them define the light in your eyes."

Dredg.

I'm so sick, infected with where I live

I am back from the doc and dun dun dun duuuun:

I have influenza. Jealous? You should be. It's awesome.

Thank you children who can't wash their hands!

Thank you parents who send their sick kids to school!

In other news,

I was pretty much told I am too skinny and too stressed.

Hence, I have not had a real woman "fun-time" in over 5 months.

Here is what I have to say to that:

"There is no way in hell I am going to allow myself to gain any weight. In fact I plan on trying to lose more weight."

The meds are making me sleepy. The doc gave them to me so I can actually sleep. My fingers are getting kind of numb and my eyesight is blurring. Nice, very nice.

Goodnight moon.

Three Is The Charm.

Wish me luck.

Today will be my third visit to the doc in 3 weeks.

MAYBE I will actually find out what is wrong with me,

AND MAYBE I will get better.

Or is that too much to ask for in this time and age?

I mean, after all, doctors' salaries are "suffering" so it's not like I can expect them to actually focus on the job at hand.

I mean, who becomes a doctor to help people anyway.

I mean, this is only America.

I mean....

fuck it.

GO NURSES, GO!

Sick. So sick. Help!

I am one NOT, hot mess right now.

IF someone were to be watching me right now this is what they would be seeing....

1. My best friend, Mr. Toilet Paper Roll getting yelled at every time I have to use him. But the joke is on him, he is almost out of existence.

2. Me using all sorts of profanity before and after I sneeze my guts out.

3. Me grumbling about stupid things that an 8-year-old would probably be complaining about. I should know, my 11-year-old brother even made fun of me.

4. My hair making me look like I just had my life rocked in bed, sadly, it isn't so.

5. Pills, pills, and more pills. Pills that are not doing a damn thing.

6. Water, that I want to drink, but can barely drink.

And now Mr. Toilet Paper Roll is gone. R.I.P.

Time for Mr. Toilet Paper Roll Jr.

This blog post is stupid.

I should go to bed.

I wish I could breathe!

-tear-

Oh wait... no, 

I just have a cold.

Someone didn't like that I told the truth about him.

Your dishonesty is not my burden to hold.

My Bully

Well, one of too many.

Anyway, I get on Facebook to discover some friend requests.

One of which is:

COREY  FUCKING LARSEN

*gasp!*

Now if anyone is wondering why that is so "gasp" worthy, let me explain.

He made fun of me nearly EVERY day in 9th Grade. One day I actually ran out of class crying. I never got an apology. I never even felt like he had remorse. And NOW he wants to be Facebook "friends" because?! What has this world come to? It seems as though bullies literally don't comprehend the pain they cause. It will never go away. He is one of the main reasons I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

Hey Corey! How about you pay for a nose job and then "big nose", "grudge girl", "Pinocchio" will accept the friend request...

Deal?

blegh.

It has now been 3 weeks of me being incredibly sick on and off.

My mood is suffering.

My optimism is suffering.

And my head is going to explode.

I am missing a party right now.

Oh vodka, why?

I will think of you all night.

:(

xoxo

Another 3-day weekend destroyed.

I hate my job.

I hate how unappreciated, and underpaid I am.

...

He was always my gold.

I will always be bronze.

The Truth

Dearest followers,

I have something to confess. As someone who prides herself on honesty, I must tell you...

I lied.

I lied with my words and pictures. And I feel horrid about it. The truth is my last relationship was anything but picture perfect. I haven't been too upfront about what happened. Which is weird, I know. Since we all know I love to vent the truth out to the online world. So here are the facts:

1. While I was smiling in any pictures I posted of Camron and I, quite often I was feeling down and exhausted.

2. He was a bully, and when he drank, he was an even bigger bully.

3. He threatened to cheat on me/break up with me in the first week of dating. All because I was hanging out with friends without him. Yet I stuck around.

4. That trip to Idaho I posted about quite a while ago... complete fail. I spent too much time weeping in the hall of the motel. Two months in and he was acting like my father on his worst days. Yet I stuck around.

5. He would make fun of my nose.

6. Every time I would find a way to hang out with my friends he had to come along. He would then drink, and decide I was a cheater in waiting. He then would make me upset in front of my friends, embarrassing me, and making me worry I wouldn't get invited to go hang out anymore.

7. The biggest smack came at one of these get togethers. (The 80's Bus Party) He drank A LOT. Treating me more and more badly with every chug. And by the end of the night this is what I heard from the person that "loved me"

"Now I can see why he left you."

He brought up marriage and I knew I had to get out.

Anyone reading this is probably wondering why I decided to write about this now. Well, my sister is the only one that knows about him and who he is. I feel like this is something that needs to be talked about. People need to know. Women need to know.

I have got to stop doing this to myself.

The Great Discussion...

After having a great discussion, I have realized I've never experienced unconditional love. My hope is that one day I will be good enough for someone.

Root Beer

vodka.

Mmmmmmmmmm.
Numb.
Numb.
Numb.
Being numb feels good.
Feeling numb is being good.

In a bad way.

...

"When you live with another person for 50 years, all of your memories are invested in that person, like a bank account of shared memories. It’s not that you refer to them constantly. In fact, for people who do not live in the past, you almost never say, “Do you remember that night we...?” But you don’t have to. That is the best of all. You know that the other person does remember. Thus, the past is part of the present as long as the other person lives. It is better than any scrapbook, because you are both living scrapbooks."

-Federico Fellini

Break Even

Things He Called Me

"heartless bitch"

What kind of men refer to women as bitches?