Buzzzz.

I have gone from thinking about suicide all of the time to thinking about alcohol all of the time. I'm quite sure my doctor would say that is not a good thing. I know it's not a good thing. I want that numb feeling every second of the day. And I can't get it. But maybe I can today... But I know I shouldn't.

"Hey. Is Brooke Here?"

hahahahahahaha! hahahahahaha! hahahahahaha! hahahahahahahaha! YES. I sat around. Waiting for him; to show up at the expected time. (because he never wakes up for work) I had nothing better to do. I wanted to wait for him to show up at my door. I wanted to hug him. Talk about the good times. Laugh a little. Be good ole' buddies. hahahahahahaha! hahahahahahaha!!!!

...

The key that unlocks energy is desire. It's also the key to a long and interesting life. If we expect to create any drive, any real force within ourselves, we have to get excited."    -Earl Nightingale

Sorry For Possibly Offending You

Texts between my mother and a twat: 

Nick: Since your daughter has been paid today, I would appreciate if I recieved the 55 dollars that she owes me by tomorrow.

Mom: She does not get paid until the last day of the month. And my daughter's name is Brooke. She will pay you.

Nick: Oh, I thought it was the last Friday of the month... Sorry for possibly offending you.

So, after 4 years he can't remember my name? Hmmmm.... Well.... I feel great! And he still can never own up to being a jerk. (He possibly could have offended my mother, but just possibly, probably not though.) He really does have himself convinced he is a great guy. Oh the world he must live in. All sorts of wonders to behold... Now, let's clear this up.... I get paid on the last Friday of the month IF it's the 29th or 30th. Since today is the 27th would it make sense for me to get paid? Now, after a year of living together you would think a smart human would know this. But he is neither a human, nor smart. Soooo... I guess it's to be expected. AND the money I "owe" him is for MY phone. We are on a family plan together. So, yes, I will give him the money I OWE T-MOBILE.

Walk Away

Music. Lyrics. Calm Me. Please & Thank You.

___________________________________________

I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I apologize for the cruel things that I did,
But I don’t regret one single word I said.

Just walk away (make it easy on yourself)
Just walk away (Please release me from this hell)
Just walk away (there’s just nothing left to feel)
Just walk away (pretend like none of this is real)

Please forgive me
If I told you that I cared.
Would you be sorry
If I swore that I'd be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall.
I’m so sorry but I never cared at all!

Just walk away (Make it easy on yourself)
Just walk away (Please release me from this hell)
Just walk away (There’s just noting left to feel)
Just walk away (Pretend like none of this is…)

Just walk away (Make it easy on us both)
Just walk away (There was never any hope)
Just walk away (You already know the deal)
Just walk away (Pretend that none of this was real)


-Five Finger Death Punch




to your fucking face

Camron Jesse...

The man who came into my life by accident; but stays on purpose.

:)

It's Nights Like These...

I hate it when my brain won't let me sleep. Maybe it's also my heart... sending the bits of pain back up to my brain. Reminding me constantly of allllll the many disappointments I have had to deal with. Oh, also, I talked to Jordan. He may have meant well (not that I think he actually gives a shit) but talking to him just made me realize that NO ONE understands how I feel. "Move On!" "Move on, Brooke." "Move on, let it go." It's what I keep hearing and reading. I AM OVER US BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP!! Have been for about a year. But it's only been about ONE GOD DAMN MONTH since he finally proved to be nothing more than a horny, porn addicted, loser, jerk face. I just want to be able to sleep without dreams/nightmares. Without anxiety attacks. Without crying. Without angry thoughts day and night. NO ONE wants to know they wasted a lot of their life. But when the actual amount is 4 years it's a little fucking hard to "move on". I am worn out. I am. And not in the emotionally wrecked sort of way that I was. Although there is still some of that. I am drained in the mentally wrecked sort of way. Because when you are given meds to help you stop being so depressed they don't really stop you from thinking. And thinking is all I do. Yup, that's me. Jealous?

Chuck E. Cheese Memories...

I found pictures of Nick and I in one of my books when going to read.
Pictures from when we went to Chuck E. Cheese for a birthday party.
I didn't/don't know what to do with them. Sure, I would really like to crumple them up, scream a little, then BURN them.
Instead they had been sitting on my "cuddle bag".
I had just been passing by the them; occasionally glaring...
Then Camron saw them.
My first thoughts were: Oh shit, he's going to get all upset.
Instead, he said, "Oh I like this one (referring to the one of us kissing). Where should we put it up? *laughing* How about here. And this one can go here..." I replied, "Oh thanks, you know how happy seeing his face makes me feel." So now my room has 3 Nick faces, just sitting around randomly.
The big thing about this is, he didn't get rude, he didn't cry, he didn't yell at me. All of the reactions I would have expected to come. Because my expectations of boyfriends are pretty low at this point. He always proves me wrong though. :)
And he made me realize something. I am not property to him. I am a human. A human who has lived other adventures/disappointments. A human who has made choices NOT involving him. And he accepts that. It made me feel even more as if I was only ever property to Nick. A body to be seen around with. That's what girls are to him it seems. Something he can shine up real nice (with compliments, hugs, kisses, the right twists in his stories) then when they start to appear less shiny to him he can move on to other girls. Other online girls. Other "projects" to call his own. Well Nick, I give you a big, fat F- on the "Brooke Conley Project".

Somewhere, I have other Chuck E. Cheese pictures with him too. From another time. Another time of him fucking me over. I'm never going to Chuck E. Cheese again.

Dear Doctor, that is one place new memories will not be made.

Boredom leads to bad, bad thoughts...

One day my blogs will no longer be about Nick. But until that day comes...

"No morals are instilled in me, so remorse, I really don't feel any."

-Nick Piepenbrok

Ohhhh, thank you for finally explaining why you were always such a complete ass to me. All I wanted was an explanation. I feel much better now. :)

p.s. Those are actually Eminem lyrics. Nick doesn't know how to take responsibility for anything. I can only dream.

My Dad's Birthday... and Camron.

Yesterday was my Daddy's birthday. He turned 48! I'm sure he won't be pleased with me announcing his age. haha. But wow. How time flies. For my Daddy's birthday we went to Ma-maw and Pa-paw's house. Where we had a delicious dinner and then cheesecake. Mmmmmmm.

Camron came, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. My grandparents, although very nice, are also VERY Mormon. But it went so very well! They loved him. (Which leads me to wonder why no one ever told me how they were not fully supportive of Nick and I... it would have saved me from soooo much heartache and disappointment.) Anyway, Camron was a big hit with his "Yes mams" and "Yes Sirs", and he helped prepare things and clean. It was so... different. And SO MUCH better. My grandparents couldn't get over the fact that he was in the Army and was considering going into law enforcement. The big bang came when Pa-paw showed Camron his indian artifacts and Camron starting talking about it with him. My grandpa was so impressed. Camron, you rock my world. :)

The night went grandly! My dad was much warmer towards Camron. And everyone got along. It just felt... right... you know?

I hope you had a great birthday Daddy!
Camron, I am so happy I have someone as great as you.

It's funny.

That day at the pool when I was going to run away because he was there. You made me go back. And that's how I met Camron. You have brought so much bad into my life. But you also sort of brought him into my life. I guess in a funny way I owe you a thank-you.

One big thank-you.

Brooke isn't coming... is she?

Fuck You.

How is it I let you hurt me still?
Your words, and lack thereof.
Well let me tell you something.
Having sex with a 17-year-old. ILLEGAL.
Giving alcohol to a 16-year-old. ILLEGAL.
You think you are the shit? You are not.


You claim you are "The Best Guy Ever". My sister and I have been laughing about this a lot lately. You are actually "The Worst Guy Ever" because you used me more than any other guy has. So know this, You ARE worse than Scott. You did the same thing to me, but in a relationship.

Circle The Drain

This is the last time you say,
After the last line you break,
It's not even a holiday,
Nothing to celebrate.
You give a hundred reasons why
And you say you're really gonna try.
If I had a nickel for everytime,
I'd overbank.

Thought that I was the exception,
I could reroute your addiction,
You could've been the greatest,
But you'd rather get wasted.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You say you have to write your rhymes,
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise,
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll,
But you're really just a joke.
Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won't remember in the morning.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.

-Katy Perry

Space Bound

Eminem has been my savior this past week. A week. The slowest, hardest week of my life.
There is so much I could write, but it's just going to be repetitive and more painful to me. So I'm going to try to write the good that has happened since he left me to rot.

Places I have made new memories:

1. Dennys
2. IHOP
3. Pleasant Springs
4. Victoria's Secret
5. My car
6. My room
7. My parents' house/backyard
8. Movies 8
9. Arbys
10. My bed
11. Maceys

The doctor said I need to make new, better memories. That is how I will start to feel better. So bring it world.

Now, a song that I listen to a lot, a song that was written for people like me, who have known people like him.

"We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
Cuz you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cuz if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cuz I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'soever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coaster;
Somethin' I won't go on till yu toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova
And I'm a...

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with yu, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with yu, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same
You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, now that you're goin jus git.
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

And I woulda did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our
Love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star
Cuz I'm a

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250,000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you"

I'm pissed off, get murdered.

We are not friends because "I got mad and yelled and then wouldn't talk to you".

Why are you always lying?

How Is Brooke Doing... Is She Okay?

How am I doing?
Well....
that information is for friends only.
Which you so obviously are not.

If my mom were to be honest, this would have been her reply:

"Well you see, after leaving her in the dirt all broken and defeated she sort of snapped. Mental breakdown would be more exact. She has panic attacks all of the time. She cries a lot, although that has started to cease. Is that a good thing though? Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, she is on meds now. We felt doping her up was the best way to go. The doctor was so worried about her he told me to take her straight to a "Crisis Team" at the Provo hospital if anything were to happen. Yup, there is such a thing as a "Crisis Team". You know, you really hurt my daughter. And I don't think you can even start to comprehende what you have done. Oh, and thanks for the beads, it's the least you could do for her. Asshole."

She said she replied with:
"She's fine."

Now, I'm pretty sure fine can not even begin to describe how I really am. *shrug

On a good note, the meds do seem to be working. My brain feels more clear than it has in years.... maybe since moving to Utah. I have smiled quite a bit today too. But there is this constant thought in the back of my mind...

Am I me anymore?





"How is Brooke doing? Is she okay?"
I don't know. You tell me.

Class of '09

I was looking through my yearbooks and came to my final year of high school.
I looked through that yearbook.
I looked again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
But it was quite clear;
you never signed it.

I miss...

I miss having you around to find things that are out in the open. I am just blind.

I miss your hugs. No other hugs feel the same. But were they full of lies?

I miss seeing you cuddle with Wei-lo. Did you throw him away too?

I miss my kitties.

I miss knowing there is one person who knows everything about me and sticks around. I guess I suck so much it couldn't last.

I miss your stupid videogame music.

I miss you asking me what you should wear.

I miss making you kandy. You didn't let me keep the beads. :(

I miss crying in front of someone that doesn't make me feel stupid for doing it.

I miss giving random, stupid nicknames.

I miss having a best friend.